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Old 05-09-2006, 06:07 AM   #1
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Question 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

I used to post here a lot a few years ago. I stopped posting because the depression seemed to be fading away, but then I had a crash and dropped out of school, stopped going to work and just started sitting at home chain smoking and listening to music. My depression was getting worse and I was becoming increasingly suicidal, but had no insurance so I couldn't go see a doctor. I started self medicating with Marijuana, and it worked. Just smoking weed a few times a week lifted the depression and life was perfect. This didn't last too long because I couldn't afford pot on a regular basis.

... the rest deleted .. no longer necessary, and should not be cached.


Last edited by joebloggs2; 05-14-2006 at 08:21 AM.

 
Old 05-09-2006, 11:30 AM   #2
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

Wow... I'm really sorry to hear all of this. I feel like I can relate to you in MANY ways.. I'm 18 years old, and I too suffer from depression, along with anxiety, and panic attacks...At first I tried "self-medicating"-- not with marijuana but alcohol, (haha as the marijuana simply made me insanely paranoid/nervous/anxious)-- I was in a relationship of 3 years, that was emotionally VERY destructive, we couldn't connect/relate at all, it was all for show. At first I invested in it because, like you, I thought it would help me to get my life together, plus it was just something for me to concentrate on and "get out of my head"- like quit worrying and thinking of everything depressing, ect.. I'm now out of that relationship (thankgod, as it got very abusive)-and taking Zoloft and BusPar... I can't say I'm feeling 100% better, although i am feeling better then before.

I also have a hard time maintaining friendships with people my age, as I'm not interested in any of the things they are interested in. I have 2 close friends, and well 2 other friends who i can "tolerate" or well "accept" that we will never fully understand one-another.

I have also recently moved, thinking being close to my grandparents would help me to feel better... Soo I moved to Las Vegas, haha which did absolutely NOTHING for my anxiety/depression except make it more prevelent! So I'm back in Washington, (where my parents and other family live) .........

I would recommend you trying to talk to your wife. I mean sit down and well just start talking, tell her how you feel about everything--be extremely honest. I would just be honest even if it could sound insulting to her, ect...Tell her exactly how you feel about everything, and well give her time to talk after you have said everything...Maybe make of list of everything you want to say to her. Tell her exactly how you feel and where your coming from. Maybe explain to her that you desperately NEED someone to listen to you and well her being you WIFE she is in the perfect position. I don't know if you've tried this... But i would just tell her EVERYTHING... She is your wife...and you have the right to do this...Maybe she will open up after all is said... ?? ALso I maybe you getting back on zoloft will help pull you out of this a little? Are you planning on moving back to the US with your wife?
Keep us updated
goodluck
jasmine

 
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Old 05-09-2006, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

You may want to first get back on your meds. Since you know chemistry and you have taken these meds before you will probably do okay. Once you are more stable you can think more clearly.

Marriage problems are not easy and it is better to work things out than end it. You say she is pretty and you like that part. A hint about sex, if you are managing to get your kicks by masturbating or other things, emotionally you cannot get ready to be adventureous with your wife. You also are aware that certain meds will affect this area of your life.

Speaking about the pickle it really is so so minor in comparison to your other problems so don't sweat the small things. After all thoughts about something you have heard about and formed an opinion is alright. Are there certain foods you don't like? Not eating of trying that pickle does not make her a bad sort of woman. You have much to learn about woman but you have time.

I was married for 4 years the first time, 10 years the second and believe me I thought that 3 strikes and you are out when the third one came around would be too much for me to bear. But we have been married 31 years and we work out our struggles.

Don't overwhelm yourself, you can't solve everything overnight but also work on seeing the world thru wholesome things. I know you said you are not religious but even a nonreligious person has a conscience. There is so much that is dirty and bad which puts our brain in a not so wholesome place. Well we can talk about that later.

Today write a short love not to your wife and ask her to give you a kiss at the end of your message. See what she does. But don't get mad if she is afraid, shy or puzzled, okay?

 
Old 05-09-2006, 12:49 PM   #4
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

Hey Joe.....

After reading your comments I didn't know what to do. I mean I have soo much to say. I could quote you on many things and tell you that's exactly what I'm looking for...("Hell, I just need somebody that listens to me. Not somebody who pretends to listen, like my wife, and not somebody paid to listen, like a doctor.") That being one of the main things in life...so simple yet too hard to find. You thought your post was long, if you could see what is in my head waiting to type out you'd realize not only are you not alone but also your post isn't that long. Talking about ones life, thoughts etc. could never be long enough.

The sex part...I can't stand whats going on there.

I'm 23 years old and every single day I spend thinking....5 hour long fantasies about power, money and saving the world. I'm telling you that's me. I never really thought of it as depression just as I was too bored and wasn't heppy with the way my life was turning out. Not what I had planned at all.

I thought maybe writing here....writing to you and what not would help. Also take some time away from crying bc I can't get my bf to understand me...talk...open up among so many..many many things. I'm frustrated, ****** off and get upset too.

The main thing to do is talk to your wife. You need to do this and believe me I still haven't but I'm working on it.


If you have any advice that others have given you I'd love to hear.

Take care of yourself and hope you stay in touch!!

 
Old 05-09-2006, 01:30 PM   #5
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

"I have very low serotonin". Joe, how do you know that? Just wondering.

Sorry to hear about your problems.

 
Old 05-12-2006, 01:03 AM   #6
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read i

Thanks for the replies.

Quote:
"I have very low serotonin". Joe, how do you know that? Just wondering.
The reason I know is because I experiment with different drugs (licit and not) and see how they affect my brain. On Zoloft, which blocks the re-uptake of serotonin, I feel great. As soon as I get off it, I break again. I also noticed certain things with ecstacy, coffee, even masturbation, etc..


Quote:
Today write a short love not to your wife and ask her to give you a kiss at the end of your message. See what she does. But don't get mad if she is afraid, shy or puzzled, okay?
You probably think I'm a horrible husband. I'm not, I always give her cards/chocolate/whatever. She doesn't get afraid or puzzled. She does seem shy about it I guess. Not shy, but she doesn't know how to respond. I'm sure she wants to open up but she's too shy, or can't.

Now that you brought this up. I want to mention something. Why is it that on anti-depressants, I become VERY romantic and sexually aroused? When sober I never have an interest in sex, and even though I can masturbate, it makes me feel lousy and it's not something I look forward to. What's the chemistry behind this?

Quote:
Marriage problems are not easy and it is better to work things out than end it. You say she is pretty and you like that part. A hint about sex, if you are managing to get your kicks by masturbating or other things, emotionally you cannot get ready to be adventureous with your wife. You also are aware that certain meds will affect this area of your life.
There really is not ending it. In this culture divorce is a very bad thing. It's more like both our families got married, not just us. If I were to end it, which I guess I technically can, it will also cause lots of tension between my family and me. This includes my *whole* family including uncles/aunts/cousins/etc.

To be honest, I don't want to end it. That's the last thing I would want. What I do want is to work things out with her. The problem is that she doesn't seem to be trying very hard. I feel guilty telling her these things because I feel like I'm changing her. "Accept a person for who they are.." <-- I would be violating this, which I normally follow.

For example, I want a wife who's open minded and tries new things with me. The pickle thing is minor in itself, but what it represents to me is that she's not open minded. She has probably never seen a pickle before, but she says she hates pickles. She refuses to try it.. probably just because of how it looks. In my opinion, this is _very_ closed minded. I mean, if she had a reason I wouldn't mind, but just "no I don't want to" is not a reason. This doesn't only apply to pickles, it applies to other things.

 
Old 05-12-2006, 05:19 AM   #7
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

I was in a relationship with a filipina woman for 2 years. Western and eastern cultures are night and day. She too was beautiful in so many ways. But much like your wife, she was very closed off, oppressed, and not very expressive. Im a very deep and complex person so having any type of deep conversation with her about feelings and stuff was mission impossible. The more I dug the worse it got. She was very few in words unless it involved something fun or jokingly. Its hard for a depressed person to be in a relationship with a woman of eastern culture. Almost disasterous. Its not that she doesnt love you or care, its just not something she is not capable of giving you right now. I adapted to her because reguardless of how different we were culturally, she was pure hearted and sweet. You need patience and understanding even when you dont understand. Im not sure she is the type of person you need because it seems your looking for someone on your same level and who you can confine in emotionally and be open minded. The more you push the worse it gets really. She is who she is like you are who you are so you can except her or move on. I choose to accept and it was probably the worse mistake in my life. My depression and anxiety got worse and destroyed our relationship and I could no longer hide it and lie about it or get her to understand. It ended very bad and I got big scar on my heart for it. Dont play with depression man. If you find yourself out of the trap, stay out. Dont hang around poking it with a stick. I dont self medicate. But I wish had a desire to. Everything I go through is raw. Stick to the medication or whatever works, thats about as much advice as I can give you. Youll be fine.

 
Old 05-12-2006, 06:49 AM   #8
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

Quote:
"I have very low serotonin". Joe, how do you know that? Just wondering."


"The reason I know is because I experiment with different drugs (licit and not) and see how they affect my brain. On Zoloft, which blocks the re-uptake of serotonin, I feel great. As soon as I get off it, I break again. I also noticed certain things with ecstacy, coffee, even masturbation, etc.."

Joe, how you feel on any certain drug doesn't prove that you have low serotonin. It's only "thought" to have something to do with depression. Too bad that, unlike like other diseases, there isn't any way to test for such things.

Last edited by Spin444; 05-12-2006 at 08:23 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2006, 07:50 AM   #9
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

You agree with the pickle thing so there has to be something else that gets your goat. Does open minded mean to you that you try everything at least once even if it violates your conscience? You mention masturbation, you also feel bad after so again you are violating maybe your own conscience.

I don't think you are a bad husband at all. How old is your wife? I was 15 when I got married and in my twenties I became a different person. People are always changing. What if she was very independant and demanding? If we look hard enough we can find any thing to tick us off. You do special sweet things for your wife so think about what is your definition of love? What do you mean when you say romantic? What is love all about? As a couple we found out that my romantic was different than his romantic! So we had to make a clarification. We made it a happy funny question like "Which romantic are we talking about, yours or mine?" Then it was clearing the communication when at one time we didn't even realize we were not understanding the others needs.

Did you say you studied chemistry? My husband was taking ginseng for energy and found out it heightened his sexual drive. I take liquid ginseng for energy and my health in general and it does not do that for me. So people are different even with meds, herbs, feelings you name it. Try and have a good day, okay.

Last edited by 2fightdepress; 05-12-2006 at 07:53 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2006, 08:49 AM   #10
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read i

Thanks for the replies.

Quote:
Does open minded mean to you that you try everything at least once even if it violates your conscience? You mention masturbation, you also feel bad after so again you are violating maybe your own conscience.
no, that's not what open minded means to me, but you can't just refuse something without a reason. She acts as if she's 10. She seems too stubborn. You know when you're a baby and you don't want baby food, even though it's good for you? She's like that, except she's 20.

I wouldn't mind at ALL if she had a reason. "pickles make me vomit", "I ate a pickle once and didn't like it", etc.. but just "no I never tried one and I never will" is not good enough. If it was ONLY about pickles, I can make an exception, but this is about LOTs of things.

And about masturbation, I feel bad not because of my conscience, but just because of chemicals in my brain. She's guilty of even *touching* her female organs, it's not even masturbation. She grew up with the idea that sex is something that bad people do, and etc.. that sort of thing, which I want to purge her of.


Sad Man: Thanks for sharing. One thing that scares me is that there's really no opting out of this relationship. Nobody other than her and me know that we have problems. If I leave her, or even say we have problems, it will put A LOT of strain on both our families.

Divorce is one of the worst things you can do here. Families usually will cover it up if it happens. For example if a couple gets divorced, and the neighbor asks the father "so how's your daughter?", the father will say "she's fine, she's living happily with her husband."

I'm too "open" compared to other people. She's the total opposite. I say whatever is on my mind, whether it offends somebody or not. I also go out in public dressed as I wish, I don't conform to society, etc.. that sort of thing. Not even to call me a punk or a rebel, but enough for people to call me eccentric, or stare at me.

We are both going to the US maybe in a year. This will be a HUGE cultural shock to her, and I hope it'll start to change her. One bad thing is that she doesn't want friends. She likes being alone. She has friends here from university but she ignores their calls and never really goes out with them. I'm afraid she does this in the States.

 
Old 05-13-2006, 11:22 AM   #11
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Re: 21 year old, married and VERY depressed. Very long post, but thanks if you read it.

There is a big difference between being male and being female, as far as the way we are socialized, whether in the East or the West. Men have more privileges (sp?) just by virtue of being male. Women speaking their minds are thought of as ******es, while men are thought of as strong.

Your wife is beautiful. Is there anything else about her that you would keep the same as she is right now?

 
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