I walk around so sad most of the time. I have no one to talk to, to listen, to hug. I have so much love that I want to share and it kills me that I have to suffer alone. I have trouble explaining myself 95% of the time and am constanyly worrying that whoever I'm talking to will think I'm crazy. I cry so hard and out of control at times people run the other way. If my BF only knew the power he had to make it all better then would he? I feel why would he want to be around me all of the time when I'm so sad. I want help others, do so much with my life but it's wasting away bc I dont have a friend or anyone to listen and seriously tell me that my life is worth saving, that they will stand up and say this is enough....I wanna help. You know even the thought of someone making that effort is enough to get me through another day. I love my BF so much and he thinks I don't care, I dont love him....it's all about me. If he only knew!!! I would give up my life to be with him, to help him and for us both to be happy. I just want things to be a certain way. It hurts when he says things to make me smile...special things about how important I am....etc. etc. but then I know in the back of my mind that he has said similar things to just friends of his. I'm more than a friend and wish that he would treat me differently...he flirts with others and although I'm not sure intentionally I wish he would realize that he doesnt want to or I dont even know.
Its almost as if I'm hopeless. I need help and not from a doctor. From a friend, family....someone that isn't getting paid to do so. If they only knew that when I cry and they say..."look at how you're acting"..."what is going on"....things like that (and not in a mean way) but still that makes it worse. Then I cry even harder and harder and it gets bad where no wonder no one wants to stick around. I wanna know that no matter how bad it gets someone will always be there and if they only knew that would make a lot of things in life better. If they would STOP talking and just tell me how loved I am, how special and important that maybe I'd stop crying and calm down. Just like a child crying....the more you yell they cry harder...the more and longer you leave them alone while crying...the harder and longer they cry.
I'm scared and don't wanna waste my life anymore. I dont know what I need but I love my BF so much I'm scared he'll stay away and find love in another girl who isnt so dependent on him but is happy? I can be everything he loves about me...everything he needs if he'll just stick with me through the storm.
Thanks for listening.