I can't concentrate at work.
I can't even complete some basic tasks. I feel like I am choking and falling apart. I have had minor depression for about 18 years and have bouts of major depression, this one has been going on since October. I just don't know how I can cope. Every day is such a struggle. I have spent weekends shattered, distressed and in lot of pain.
I wonder if it's because of my career choice but then I wouldn’t know what else to do. And I know that what ever I do I will have this blockage. it's like I have this voice in my head saying I can't do this. It's happened before, seams to be a pattern in every thing I do. I don't even think I am any good at anything. I start off ok but then it goes all wrong and I deteriorate to the point I can't function anymore. I only get so far in something and then hit this wall. I get distracted, then go in to a panic and choke. Every time. What is wrong with me, I can't function like this anymore. I could end up jobless and homeless. I've never been career driven but to feel so miserable all day, every day. I even dread it when I go to sleep at night because I worry about what I won't be able to do the next day, to confirm the realisation that I am hopeless and a waste of time. I can't get my head round or understand anything, not able to finish anything, and do such a crap job.
Everyone has to feel some purpose in life but I don't feel I have one. People always say that if you have a passion then you would get more enjoyment out of a job, but I don't really feel anything for anything, even outside work. I just think what's the point in anything. I look at people who have energy to do things in complete wonder. I just don't understand.
I really don't know what I like doing, I don't feel like I get any pleasure with anything, I just somtimes do things because I should, but it's like going through the motions. I force myself to do things. Even having dinner with friends, I keep a brave face but all I want to do is run away and hide. I have socials at work but i have started to avoid them as I just want to disapear. I was on a hen week end a couple of weeks ago and I feel so uncomforatble with being around other people, it was actually painfull. I felt like a scared animal trapped in a cage to be in the same room as others. I become really clumsy and timid, and I think others can sence that. I wouldn't be called shy, I am actually friendly and have mad and effort but I feel I can't do it anymore, I have no energy and don't see the point it anyof it. I have started to avoid people at work and friends, it feels like too much hard work, and I worry that the people work hate me and that friends will reject me.
I go to exhibitions with my boyfriend in hope that I get out of the house to fight it but then I feel intimidated, inferior and useless because I feel I should have an opinion on things but I just don't know anything anymore. Seeign shows or exhibitions should open your mind, but mine is not letting anything in. I feel like a non exsistent object. I just feel like I want to go to sleep untill this life is over.
Last edited by nou71; 06-02-2006 at 04:36 AM.
Reason: felt I needed to add more
Are you seeing a therapist? That might help. At least you are making an effort to get out of the house, you are going to work every day. It takes a lot of strength just to do those things. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can right now.
I have been in touch with some therapists to have a trial run. I will meet with them next week. However I find it so hard to make decisions on who to go with. Just worried that I start with someone who doesn't suit me, and maybe I am hoping that it will make me feel better but I know that there is a possability I could feel worse.
I can really relate to how youre feeling right now. I too had the same trouble focussing and concentrating .This of course makes you more anxious. You feel so foolish when you cant seem to make simple decisions.Dont worry it will get better. I found it helpful , while I was in this state to write things down, even if I never had to before. It will help keep you organized and possibly give you more confidence in what you re doing .Try it even at home. It takes a little patience and it might seem silly but it worked for me. Dont worry about the therapist thing because it s all just a guessing game as to who you should choose anyway. Try one and go from there. Dont try to conquer everything at once .All the stuff spinning around your head is too overwhelming and will create more anxiety for you. Give yourself a break and tackle one thing at a time and work on that. When you feel confident about finishing it (and you will) go on to the next thing. Take as much time as it takes. You are worth the time .You are not useless and you have more value that what you think. Depression keeps us feeling negative about every thing especially ourselves. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing . You are very intelligent and seem like a caring person. Give yourself some of that care. From what you post ,I know you can make it.
Hi Nou - I feel so much for you. This is my first post - I registered so I could reply to you! Like you I've been struggling for months if not 2/3 years to motivate myself with my work (writing - I work at home so really I'm only letting myself down) and finding it so hard to focus and wondering what the point is. I really feel for you and everything you said. EVERYTHING.
Is there anyone at work you can talk to, maybe a sympathetic boss? Has anyone actually told you your work isn't good enough? It may not be anything like as bad as you think it is!
You sound as if you desperately need a rest. Can you take some sick leave and give yourself time to try some medication or a therapist or simply some time to look after yourself?
Sorry I can't be of much help but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and people feel for you and are thinking about you! M xxx
Hi all who answered, thanks for your very kind replies. I'm not sure whether to feel relief or sadness to think that there are so many of us out there who feel like this.
Last year a manager on the project had passed on some good comments on my work. But he left as did the other managers before him and everytime this happened the project changed direction and it had a massive effect on me. My work load changed and the need to have me on the project became less and less, which is when my worthless feelings became stronger. I began to go downhill last october and became pretty bad in february. I hoped that it would pass as I do get bad but improve around mid feb, but this year it's continued to get worse. My work has become really bad, I have been on a very stressful project and the stress and bad management is making that bit harder.
I had been on AD (efexor) for 6 years. I started to come off them in August last year, so there is most likely to be a connection there. I have started to take 75mg again.
I do remember being pretty much list this before I went on these. I am just scared that I will have to be on these for the rest of my life. Which is why I wanted to try to come off them to see how I would get on.
I am meeting for a trial with two therapists this week, to see how I get on. I had a short run of therapy at the beginning of the year that was provided by work and the therapist said that I should look in to long term therapy, even possibly twice a week. Although I'm not sure I can afford that. I have been trying to find someone (from the BAPC and Metania institute) that works in the evening and I find it quite hard to make the decision when looking at the different skills, specialities and qualifications that they all have. I want it to be a decent relathionship, especially that it will be long term. I want I to work. It's so hard to know what to look for and to assess who is best to help you. I have had therapists before where I felt like I didn't trust them fully.
I try to do one thing at a time, but I seam to get stuck on the one thing and I choke. Get so anxious and i feel so panicked all the time, even at night when I am at home I often feel sick with grief, worry and shame.
I do feel like I need a rest. I am holding on as I do have a two week holiday coming up at the end of June. I hope I do pick up though. I have had trouble finding fun and enjoyment in my days off. I just want to be able to escape from myself at the moment. I just want to be normal.