What do you do when you want to be there for a depresses person and he doesn't want you to be? He said that he feels like he is bringing me down with him. Let me give you some background on our relationship. We have been dating for 4 1/2 years now. I'm 23 and he is 26. His depression has always been a part of our relationship. I have pretty much known from the beginning he was depressed. I made a choice that I love him with my whole heart and I want to stick by him, no matter what.
So, as you can imagine, this has been a roller coaster of a relationship!! Up and Down with no warning signs at all. For the most part, I'm sitting in the seat right next to him, taking every up and down with him. It feels like when he really hits rock bottom, he starts to push me away. He really gets "mean" towards me (not physically, ever) but hurtful. I keep telling him, I made the choice to stay, I made the choice to be here for you I am making the choice to not walk away when things get tough. And I don't I never go back on my word. I am always there for him, no matter what.
My biggest fault is that I cry. When I don't understand, I cry. When he cries I cry. I just wish I new how to better deal with his depression with out crying!
I listen to what he has to say, I give him a shoulder to cry on when he needs one, I even try my best to give him space when he needs it. I support and encourage his decisions about medication and life changes. I don't pressure him about marriage, moving out or the amount of that he spends with me. All of the time he says to me, "your to good to me" , "I don't know why you put up with me" or "why do you love me so much" All I say is that it just feels right! I want to be with you. Although my answer doesn't seem to convey my feelings. I just don't have the answer, I just do! I feel like my life would be empty with out him in it. Actually I know it would be... because that's why I'm writing to this ****, I need help!
He is officially at the lowest I have ever seen him. He sits and cries. He has officially ended our relationship, and I can't take it. I feel angry, hurt and confused. I want to be there for him, why wont he just let me? What did I do to make him push me away like this. He says he just can't do this to me anymore and that It's not fair to me. Why should I have to put up with someone like him. I deserve so much better, and should just forget about him....
So now, he wont talk to me and it's killing me!!! I just want to know he is ok, and I think I deserve to know that he is doing ok. Why do I always get pushed away? Why do I always get he short end of the stick? Why can't he just accept that I love him no matter what and I am choosing to be here for him. He said that he has to end our relationship because he knows I never will. He knows that I wont ever walk away from him, ever! You know what, he is right, I never will/would. I'm trying to be the best support system that I can be.
At night, I stare at my phone, praying it will ring, praying that he needs me, but it doesn't!
He has done this to me in the past. He'll push me away for a few day's then call back and say he is sorry, he love me and wants me to be in his life. And I always take him back. But this time, I don't feel like he is going to call. I just feel like he really doesn't want me, at all!
I have read all sorts of books and done tons of research on different med's that are out there. Different alternative therapy, but nothing seems to work! I just don't believe that there is nothing out there that will help him, I just don't believe it!!!! You can't tell me that this is how he is going to spend the rest of his life, I can't accept that as a reasonable answer!
Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read this, it really means a lot to me!
Hopelessly in love with a depressed person,
Kelly
