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Old 06-07-2006, 09:52 AM   #1
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lost0322 HB User
He's pushing me away....HELP!

What do you do when you want to be there for a depresses person and he doesn't want you to be? He said that he feels like he is bringing me down with him. Let me give you some background on our relationship. We have been dating for 4 1/2 years now. I'm 23 and he is 26. His depression has always been a part of our relationship. I have pretty much known from the beginning he was depressed. I made a choice that I love him with my whole heart and I want to stick by him, no matter what.

So, as you can imagine, this has been a roller coaster of a relationship!! Up and Down with no warning signs at all. For the most part, I'm sitting in the seat right next to him, taking every up and down with him. It feels like when he really hits rock bottom, he starts to push me away. He really gets "mean" towards me (not physically, ever) but hurtful. I keep telling him, I made the choice to stay, I made the choice to be here for you I am making the choice to not walk away when things get tough. And I don't I never go back on my word. I am always there for him, no matter what.

My biggest fault is that I cry. When I don't understand, I cry. When he cries I cry. I just wish I new how to better deal with his depression with out crying!
I listen to what he has to say, I give him a shoulder to cry on when he needs one, I even try my best to give him space when he needs it. I support and encourage his decisions about medication and life changes. I don't pressure him about marriage, moving out or the amount of that he spends with me. All of the time he says to me, "your to good to me" , "I don't know why you put up with me" or "why do you love me so much" All I say is that it just feels right! I want to be with you. Although my answer doesn't seem to convey my feelings. I just don't have the answer, I just do! I feel like my life would be empty with out him in it. Actually I know it would be... because that's why I'm writing to this ****, I need help!

He is officially at the lowest I have ever seen him. He sits and cries. He has officially ended our relationship, and I can't take it. I feel angry, hurt and confused. I want to be there for him, why wont he just let me? What did I do to make him push me away like this. He says he just can't do this to me anymore and that It's not fair to me. Why should I have to put up with someone like him. I deserve so much better, and should just forget about him....

So now, he wont talk to me and it's killing me!!! I just want to know he is ok, and I think I deserve to know that he is doing ok. Why do I always get pushed away? Why do I always get he short end of the stick? Why can't he just accept that I love him no matter what and I am choosing to be here for him. He said that he has to end our relationship because he knows I never will. He knows that I wont ever walk away from him, ever! You know what, he is right, I never will/would. I'm trying to be the best support system that I can be.

At night, I stare at my phone, praying it will ring, praying that he needs me, but it doesn't!

He has done this to me in the past. He'll push me away for a few day's then call back and say he is sorry, he love me and wants me to be in his life. And I always take him back. But this time, I don't feel like he is going to call. I just feel like he really doesn't want me, at all!

I have read all sorts of books and done tons of research on different med's that are out there. Different alternative therapy, but nothing seems to work! I just don't believe that there is nothing out there that will help him, I just don't believe it!!!! You can't tell me that this is how he is going to spend the rest of his life, I can't accept that as a reasonable answer!

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read this, it really means a lot to me!

Hopelessly in love with a depressed person,
Kelly

 
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Old 06-07-2006, 10:14 AM   #2
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Join Date: May 2006
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WanderingSoul HB User
Re: He's pushing me away....HELP!

Wow.. okay this is going to sound harsh, but this is my impression.. You are CODEPENDENT. You really do need to back off and give this guy his space. In my experience, any time someone says to you, "You are too good for me," they are usually right!!!!

I know you care about this guy a lot, but he's pretty much told you in every way possible that he doesn't want you around. And the more you latch on and smother him, the more he's going to push you away. You are not his doctor.

The fact that you said you would feel empty without him is a BIG red flag that you need to do some serious work on yourself... that is not a healthy relationship. That is not love. That is need. There is a world of difference. I know it's cliche, but until you truly love yourself, you can never truly love another person, because what you might think of as "love" is really just the fulfillment of the need to be needed.

Anyways.. that being said... you are definitely welcome to keep posting here, but you should do it for yourself, and not on someone else's behalf, you know? You are a valuable person in and of yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel like a whole person, even if you are not in a relationship.

 
Old 06-07-2006, 10:18 AM   #3
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tootsiepopbreeb HB User
Re: He's pushing me away....HELP!

Hi Kelly,

I wish that I could tell you that things are going to work out for you and that everything is going to be all right, but I don't think that I can. I suffer from depression and like most of us with this illness, when we are at our bad points we are mean, grumpy, weepy, etc..... It has nothing to do with you.... Let me say that again.... It has nothing to do with you. Most people with depression are depressed because of a chemical imbalance in our brains. We really can't control how we feel or what is going on. Depression for everyone is different and for some people it takes a long time to find the right medication or therapists to feel better.

I am sorry that your heart is broken. I too have had my heart broken many times. The pain will get less and less as the days go on. Right now I think you are greiving for the loss of your relationship. Not only was he your boyfriend but he was your best friend. So I can understand that it is even tougher for you.

Please just know that whatever he is going through right now is inside him. Most people with depression do not feel worthy of love or affection. We have a lot of guilt for everything that we put our partners through but we just can't help it. I have days were I am mean and snappy and I unintentionally hurt my husband. Afterwords I feel horrible, apologize and say that I am going to try harder, but something happens, and out comes the grumpy, sad, person....

Anyway... I hope that you can start to heal soon. Everything happens for a reason. Things will look up for you. I truly hope this does not make you feel worse. I am sure he is doing fine. Does he have a therapist that he sees?

Take care of yourself
Bree

 
Old 06-07-2006, 10:30 AM   #4
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lost0322 HB User
Re: He's pushing me away....HELP!

WanderingSoul:


I appreciate your response, and that's all fine and dandy but do I do when he calls? He'll tell me he love's me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. all that stuff? Should I just ignore him?

 
Old 06-07-2006, 04:40 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 532
WanderingSoul HB User
Re: He's pushing me away....HELP!

Hmm, that's a tough one. Maybe you could say that you think you both need some time apart? But I can't tell you what to do, and truthfully I don't know what the best option is. That is something you need to figure out for yourself. Maybe you guys will end up together and it will be for the better.. it's just that the way you were describing it didn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

 
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