Iím currently being treated by a neurologist for chronic daily headaches and I started off on Nortriptyline until I was up to 75mg and it wasnít helping. Then the doctor told me that she thought I was getting depressed and asked me to rate how I feel in the morning, 1 being staying curled up in bed and 10 being springing out of bed and I told her I was at a 4, she told me that most people rate themselves as a 6. (Actually I think Iím more like a 2, but was embarrassed to tell her that). Then she told me that she felt that I seemed kind of angry at her for bringing up depression, and told me to tell her what I thought about at it all. I told her I didnít know and then she asked me to tell her how I felt, she just wanted to talk, but I couldnít, I just clammed up.
She decided to try and treat my headaches with Wellbutrin, which is also an antidepressant and sheís hoping that will help me with my depression as well. But, now Iím really getting depressed and frustrated about how many meds I have to take (I have other medical conditions as well) and the fact that they are not working, (though I have just started the Wellbutin, so Iíll give it a month or more before I decide if itís working or not).
I just feel so embarrassed that Iím depressed, everything about the way I was brought up has taught me that itís your fault if youíre depressed and that being depressed is a really bad thing.
At home, I realize how horrible Iíve been feeling, even the tiniest things make me start crying. I hate my life, I just want to crawl up in bed or lay in front of the TV and sulk. I donít even have the energy to dance or read any more, two things I love. I just hate my life and I hate myself.
I really think that talking to someone would help a lot, but Iím too scared to once Iím face to face with someone I freeze and canít say anything that Iím really feeling. Iím too scared to.
I donít want anyone in my family of my friends to know how Iím feeling and it takes so much energy to hide how Iím truly feeling from them.
Does anyone else feel embarrassed that they are depressed and try to hide it?
Anyone else scared/terrified to talk about to someone (especially face to face)? How did you overcome that?
I too suffered from shame and embarrassment.... but it only plunged me deeper into a black hole that I almost let consume me. I put on a big show for everyone for months and then just slowly began to lose it. I got so bad that I couldn't leave my bedroom. I would sleep hours on end waking just in time to pick up kids from school and put dinner on the table. Everything started slipping... can't keep up on the house when you sleep all the time. My husband was a big part of the problem. We had fallen into a pattern where my feelings were never really addressed while I felt I had to cater to his every whim. I was angry and he was lost. I drank too much one night and demanded that he call 911... it was one of the lowest points in my life, but also a pivotal moment. I realized that the vivacious women that I used to be had slipped away from me and I felt helpless and very sad. I don't have a drinking problem but it was a way for me to reach out without having to admit I was depressed.... WOW how pathetic. I made the appointment to see my dr to start on an AD, after all I needed to leave my bedroom once in a while. I was so angry at my husband that day, feeling that here I was getting meds to fix what he had done to me. Well, news flash I let him do it. We all carry baggage from our childhood and I have never used it as an excuse, but I realized I was so afraid of being rejected that I would do anything- even at the expense of losing myself. Now I see a therapist and we see one together. I cannot tell you had good it feels to ramble on and hear it repeated back to me- validation! WOW. I have always been called super woman and would never ask a friend for help, but I have one dear friend who wouldn't take NO for an answer. It felt so good to not be alone, and you know what she loves me for me. No judgement just a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to laugh with. Of course not everyone will understand, but start with a therapist. You don't have to complete thoughts, you can jump from subject to subject- but the purging and validation really helps. Additionally I tried Zoloft which made me not cry but I slept 16 hours a day, so now I am on Wellbutrin. Only day 2 and I'm really jittery and havn't slept in 38 hours, but hey I'm out of my room and I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I equate it to bungee jumping- the first step is a doozey, but once you jump it smooth sailing. Start talking, purge. It doesn't make us weak it makes us smart!!! Look you already started talking.... well typing, its a good first step. It'll get easier.
I too was embarrassed about being depressed and also had to put on this front so non one would know that I was depressed. It really was hard work and in the end I caved in and ended upgoing to a counsellor which was brilliant. She made me realise that I did need something else and then I went to my doctor. She was brilliant and told me I had nothing to be ashamed about and it was quite normal to feel that way and that made her know that I had tried otherthings and waited for as long as poss before taking on medicines.I then got round to telling my family and work colleagues and they have been great considering I have been a right miserable cow with them!! I feel disappointed that I am still on the meds 18 months later (have tried to come off once but fell back into depression) but know that they are helping me to have a happier life and cope with all that is thrown at me in a better way than before. I have problems with my teenage daughter and I think this is all due to worrying about her but cant be sure. sorry to go on but this is new to me and I think it will really help me.
It's somewhat comforting too know that others have felt this was as well.
Chats on the internet I have found are too much for me, I get scared and freeze up. This is a bit easier becuase I'm calmer and a bit more relaxed.
I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before I am able to open up.
Thinking about it now I realize that no one knows the REAL me. All of my teachers and friends (even by best friend) and family know the outside of me but really everything else they know about me is not true...it's not me. And what's worse is that I'm terrifed that they might someday know ME as I know me, that thought, just the thought terrifes me.
I've never told anyone how depressed I get, I hide it because I feel it's insignificant. At the worst of my panic attacks I still refused to tell my parents (I'm young enough that it's expected that I should) and only one person managed to convince me that I should probably see a doctor. Sometimes I get really worried about myself and I think I really ought to tell someone, but I just can't. I know people know it's there but they have no idea how deep it goes, as my best friend said "I feel like I could say anything to you and you wouldn't be surprised, but I think there's a lot about you I don't know"... it's true, and I don't like it, but I'd rather keep my friends on those terms than make them hate me.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Reading your last post...and your first I think of myself. I think of what advice I would love to hear from someone who truly cared and in turn I could give that same advice to you.
I hope that here we can get to know the real you....regardless if you're feeling depressed or not. You can be and feel whichever way you need to be or are at the time and come here...to talk...to look for support or what ever else you may need.
I care, we all care and I think this is a major part of trying to take care of ourselves....Supporting Eachother!!
I hope you are able to come here and feel there is not a thing you could say that one of us hasn't felt.
I too need to talk....I just wanna cry sometimes and not feel ashamed or that person is thinking "not again" ya know things like that. I know I would feel better knoing that no matter how upset/happy etc. I am that I am still loved and no one will leave bc I have a bad day.
Hope you're doing and feeling ok. Let us know how you're feeling and Best Wishes!
Currently I'm still taking 50mg. of nortriptyline and am on wellbutrin xl 300mg.
I believe that all of my meds have a side effect listed of headaches but I have been on all of them (excluding nortriptyline and wellbutrin) for many years now and my neuro and reg. doc both feel it's not my other meds causing the headaches.
It's really hard to tell if the wellbutrin is working yet becuase I was just on vacation this past week (a small cabin, my family all sleeping in the loft) That's enough to make the happiest person in the world depressed.
I have had some bad side effects though, but I'm just used to having none (I tend to tolerate meds easily) Though one good side effect which has made me a lot happer is weight loss!!