Sorry this is kind of a long post, but if you feel at all like you may be able to help, please read it. I'm not really sure where to begin. I'm 20 years old, and even though I'm at that age where life is supposed to begin, it's not. I can't even find the words to describe my problem.
I guess my main problem is that I'm not doing anything with my life... at all, I'm just not living. For a while now, I just haven't been happy with anything. And I've basically been wasting away. And it's really taken a toll on me and my well-being. When I think about my life, I find everything boring and mundane. I don't see the point in any of it. For the most part, I sleep and I eat (though not well). I feel like I'm not myself anymore. What I'm really scared of, is that maybe I am myself. I'm scared that this is the way I am now. I think about things I want to do, but I don't go through with them. And I don't know why, I guess because I don't understand the point of anything. And I'm not asking what the point of life is, because I know there's no real exact answer. I just don't want to think this way anymore. Actually, I'm sick of thinking altogether. My mind is constantly overwhelmed with worried thoughts, I'm always bewildered with life and the thought of it.
Another problem I've been having is that I'm constantly fatigued and lethargic. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, I feel just tired and useless... even weak. Sometimes, by the end of the night my legs are sore... for no reason. That sore feeling like I've been walking around Disneyland all day, except I hadn't gone anywhere all day. I feel like I constantly have to be sitting down and resting, and it baffles me.
My friends call me and tell me we should hang out cause they haven't seen me in a while. And I don't know why they're still calling me, because I feel so boring and like I just don't have anything to talk about. And I don't... what could I possibly have to talk about? When people ask "what'd you do today?" I don't know what to say, I don't do anything exciting any day. When we do hang out, I feel so uninteresting, even awkward and uncomfortable. Sometimes I get nervous and anxious when I go out with friends... especially when it's in a bigger group. Or when I go out in public at all. I almost feel like I'm becoming agoraphobic. And I used to be really social, I used to go out with friends every day. Some of my friends even get mad at me for not wanting to hang out, or for not calling them back... and I just don't know what to tell them. I don't want to explain any of it, I just want to go out and have fun like I used to. I don't want them to see me how I see myself.
I really feel like I lost my personality. My mind is constantly consumed and distracted with all these stressful thoughts about what I'm not doing, what I'm going to do, why I'm not normal, I even wonder why I'm not thinking normally. I mean, I am CONSTANTLY just overwhelming my mind with these stressful thoughts about life and what I'm here for, and I can't focus normally and I can't function normally.
And I hate that it feels like it takes so much for me to smile, and even more for me to laugh. I can't do either of these in a genuine way, just forced. When I'm watching a TV show, I don't laugh because something was funny and I couldn't help but laugh, I laugh because I know that that's what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be productive and have a plan, and follow through. And go out with friends and smile and have fun and have confidence and I feel like it's so hard to do any of these things. I really don't know why I expect anyone else to have the answers to my problems, but I just don't know how to fix them myself. So if anyone has any advice or any help whatsoever, please respond. Thanks.
Suggestion if you choose one thing that you want to do, then practise focusing your attension solely on it. Try to control the negative thoughts that are coming into your head (it really hard). Make note of them even and try and rationalise them, for instance if you think somethink not worthwhile, question why does everything have to be worthwhile. Try and talk yourself round to being more positive.
I knew with depression that so easy to say and so hard to act on. Also next time one of your friends suggest getting together think what worse sitting here feeling like crap, focusing on all the negative thoughts in my head, or going out with my friends. I mean I am sure that not all you friends are fun or interesting all of the time. So you having a major lull maybe they can help, maybe they can't. At least try.
Depression get worse the more isolated you make yourself, the more time you give yourself to think about it.
Hope that help.
p.s Easy to give advice very hard to act on it myself.