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Old 06-26-2006, 09:44 PM   #1
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valeran HB User
Not sure where to begin...

I just registered for this board, and yes, I am a depressed individual. I'm not sure where to begin, so, will start at the beginning. I started out as a child... just kidding (for you Bill Cosby fans).

Really though, I'm not kidding. That is where, after much introspection, it did start with me. You see, I grew up in a househould under a father who didn't allow, refused to accept, failure of any kind. I graduated high school 28th in my class and with a 3.84 gpa. College wasn't for me, so I joined the military. I graduated from the 4th hardest "tech school" in the Navy (at that time). What I'm getting at, is that I NEVER failed, at anything. If I got hurt, I just "sucked it up" and went on. When I took schools, I was always Honor Roll, Deans List, Distinguished Graduate. In my jobs, I was promoted quickly, or, just fought with my bosses who didn't do as good of a job as I did.

And this is the crux of my depression. I never failed... until now.

You see, 3 years ago, my body failed. I put out my back while on the job. Oh sure, I still worked, and likely, made it much worse, until I just couldn't work through it anymore. That was my last day of work. I finally got surgery on my back last year and it is only now that medically, I am doing much better. Mentally? I guess the old adage of "an image cast in stone" is applicable. The surgeon flat told me that I would never be able to do the jobs I used to do. My jobs were my life. I know that sounds... well... wierd... but, they were. I was part of an elite team. I was in high risk jobs. All of the training, all of my experience, is now basically useless. Everything I have tried since has failed; college courses, opening my own business, everything.

I do little, if anything, any more. I almost left my wife, but, I didn't because I told her why I wanted to leave and she convinced me to stay. I have tried to fight this fight on my own, and I am losing this battle as well.

For someone who never failed in his life... it seems as if all I do now is fail... and I know my wife is trying to be supportive, but, I can see it in her face. She is tired of it, of this situation.

So... here I am... putting it out there to others who maybe have been there, done that... what now? I'm not big on drugs. I tried avinza, the long-term pain (morphine-based) drug. It turned me into a zombie. I don't want more drugs... I want my life back. I only sleep now because I have sleeping drugs (ambien). I don't eat alot. I put on a brave face to my wife, but when I'm alone, I finally can break down until she gets home.

I guess... like the title says... I'm not sure where to begin...

 
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Old 06-26-2006, 09:55 PM   #2
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Not sure where to begin...

First off welcome to the boards. Have you considered counseling? I would imagine going from a demanding job to nothing would be difficult. I had to quit my job because of depression and it is hard having to depend on others. A switch here. Have you tried any natural products such as st.john's wort or SAMe. Again welcome to the boards, there are a lot of people who are very supportive and helpful

take care
trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 06-26-2006, 10:01 PM   #3
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valeran HB User
Re: Not sure where to begin...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
First off welcome to the boards. Have you considered counseling? I would imagine going from a demanding job to nothing would be difficult. I had to quit my job because of depression and it is hard having to depend on others. A switch here. Have you tried any natural products such as st.john's wort or SAMe. Again welcome to the boards, there are a lot of people who are very supportive and helpful

take care
trg247
Yes, I did consider it. A friend of mine who is a confidante even suggested it. I rejected it, because, well... I didn't figure paying somebody a few hundred an hour to tell me what I already knew would be "beneficial", but would just add to the financial burden. Does it truly help?

No, I haven't tried anything product-wise... other then a bottle of whiskey of week... a sleeping pill a night.

I did try to get a college degree, something to fall back on, but that fell through because of money. I tried to start my own business, relying on my knowledge and experience, but, that has fallen flat.

I guess it would help to say that I am not a spring chicken, and the thought of having to start all over from scratch after 20 years is just... well... too much.

 
Old 06-26-2006, 10:11 PM   #4
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: Not sure where to begin...

Counseling is effective for a lot of people but not for everyone. My doctor does not belive I am stable enough so right now I am highly medicated, 3 antidepressants, 1 anti psycotic, 1 mood stabilizer and 1 sleeping pill. But prescriptions can be life saving or make things worse depending on the person

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 06-26-2006, 10:22 PM   #5
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Posts: 8
valeran HB User
Re: Not sure where to begin...

Quote:
Originally Posted by trg247
Counseling is effective for a lot of people but not for everyone. My doctor does not belive I am stable enough so right now I am highly medicated, 3 antidepressants, 1 anti psycotic, 1 mood stabilizer and 1 sleeping pill. But prescriptions can be life saving or make things worse depending on the person

trg247
Most drugs don't work with my system. Not that they don't work "well"... I mean, they don't work at all.

I was prescribed 3 different pain relieving narcotic prescriptions for my back pain; oxicontin, vicodin, ultram, then anti-inflammatories. I ended up taking two oxicontin's, two vicodin's, and two anti-inflammatories... at the same time... then I still had to get drunk. People I knew who watched me do it couldn't believe I was still standing (ok, it was at the bar, and it was 3 weeks out of surgery)... but hey... I still drove home (safely I might add, I know when I am "not safe" to drive). I can even bypass the ambien (as I've taken it, then not slept), most of the time, I have to get drunk and take the ambien just to sleep. Only the avinza worked, and that worked "too well", making me a total zombie.

My system just fights off most drugs. Even the pain management doctor told me to use alcohol to relieve the pain, not drugs, because my system doesn't respond to many of them.

As for the counseling...

I just don't know. I want to get better... but... we can't afford more bills. Yes, we can't afford what we have now with me not working... but (ugh)... I just hate thinking of putting out more money that will be wasted (like the 6 thousand I put out from my settlement to start the failed business).

 
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