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Multiple Man 07-06-2006 03:26 PM

No Hope, No Peace
 
What happens when there is no hope left. There is no where else to turn. Everyday is the same day. The same feelings. The same dread. I have no idea what life is or what its suppose to be. Especially for someone like me, with no gifts, or talent. Im not blessed with looks or personality or charisma. Life hasnt been too kind. I got trapped somewhere, some place dark a long time ago. Ive been there ever since. I hate myself. So intensely. I cant stand the sight of my own shadow or reflection from the mirror. What I am going through is beyond my understanding and way beyond my control. Life is short. I wish it was shorter.

I exemplify the meaning of lost. Because in my life right now thats all I am. I know what I want. Im just too stupid to realize I cant have it. And somehow I keep chasing my own tail. Round and round I go, it never stops, no reason to know. I dont have anyone. No friends, no family, noone to talk to. I keep the radio on all day just so I can feel Im not alone. Silence is the worst. Oh I never want to be left alone with my own thoughts. My own misery.

I have to keep in mind that there have been people before my time and after my time that have suffered greater. But to each their own hell it really isnt a condolence to me. Having a terminal disease wouldnt be so bad right now. I have nothing to live for. I wonder if there is someone out there like me. Who just realize they have nothing to offer the world, and nothing the world can offer them. And just have absolutely no purpose in life other than waiting to die. Because thats all my life is, just waiting til everything goes dark forever.

I pity my mother. She had no idea the atrocity that came from her body. Part of it is my fault. Forgive me mother. Part of it was the abuse. I was weak. I was hated. I was young and vulnerable. And I couldnt overcome it. I could have been a good man. I wished to be. Im just a product of my enviroment. The results of what happens when you destroys someones dignity and heart. When your entire being is just destroyed.

Ive taken many drugs. Ive had years of counselling. But I realize there is no cure for a man with no soul. Ive lost everything within me that matters. I look and the mirror and realize I am the worst of everything. A ugly man that noone can love. Talentless. No passion for life. Just nothing there. As blank as my stare. I may as well not even cast a reflection in the mirror. There is just nothing left of me.

I envy the normal. I just wish for one day I could live as someone else. Just for that day to feel what its like. Not to suffer. Not to be ugly. Not to be lonely. Id give anything. I wonder if there is anyone here that could describe it to me. From the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall asleep. Whats it like. Having a spouse. Children. A life. A purpose. A soul. Is it everything I ever dreamed it could be? What does it feel like to be embraced by a loved one? To be around your family on birthdays and holidays. To see your childs eyes filled with joy and promise. I live in mental poverty. Sanity slowly slipping away because my severe envy for a life of my own is causing my breakdown.

All I have is tears. They fall and fall. And it doesnt mean a thing. They serve no purpose. They just fall. Endless streams. This is my life. But I cant accept it. So I suffer. And suffer. The headaches, the misery, the constant anxiety. The loneliness. The darkness. Always there. Follows me in my dreams. Shows me terrible things. I like to pretend. Like im normal. Talking to a empty room. Pretending I have friends and were having fun. Pretending I have a son and Im throwing him a baseball and chasing him around. Id rather be awaken from a child crying in the middle of the night in their crib, than myself crying in my bed realizing I just woke up to this nightmare of a life I have. I lay in bed, squeezing my pillow, trying my very best to imagine what it would feel like to embrace someone you love. To hold someones hand. To kiss. Imagine life without those things. Is there really any other purpose to live. There wont be any wedding bells for me. No screaming children needing me. No friends to confine in. No life. No joy here. A normal average life couldnt be anymore unattainable for me. Just a 28 year old man staring at a future of more suffering, more misery, and more lonliness.

I talk to myself all the time. Convoluted conversations that always end up with no answers and no resolutions. What are you? What happened to you? Is it all my fault. Or is it really how the world sees you and has treated you. Im sorry. Im sorry. I had so many dreams. Im sorry. Forgive me for being weak. Forgive me for not being stronger. But I cant change how the world sees me and I cant make anyone love me. The lonliness cuts through me so deep. I fell in this hole so long ago. Is there truly no way out. No hope for me? I dont really believe in miracles. And I dont believe in you. Your gone, and i cant bring you back. I lost you. I remember you were happy once. I squandered my life. Im in prison serving life. What can you do now. Is it already too late. So much fear. You have so much fear. So much anxiety. Where does it all come from? Is there anything left. I do love you. I do. Im sorry that I hated you so much and for so long. It was because I could not understand you. It was because you were different and ugly and everyone else hated you. I believed them. My skin was so thin, I let them all carve me like bread. Abuse me. Gave me every reason to hate myself. I wish I didnt have to be me. Ugly. Black. Insignificant. Unintelligent. Overweight. No self worth. All the essential ingredients for a miserable, lonely failure. I was born this way. There is no cure for it. I was born in a world where I can never find peace.

justme321 07-07-2006 12:47 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Oh, I wish I could help you. I can't imagine the despair you are going through. I came to this board looking for help for myself, and saw your post.
Please keep posting, even if it's just a small note to let me know you are okay.
Depression is such a terrible affliction. Have you seen a dr. to check to see if there is any medication that can help you, or is there some place you can go for group therapy?
I know, that sounds good, but I can't do it yet either.
Years ago, I went through a depression that left me housebound for years, and through medication and group therapy, I pulled out of it, but what they gave me put 50 lbs. on me, so even though the original depression was better, I went through another depression because of all the weight I gained.
It took me 2 yrs to get the weight off, and I've been fighting it ever since.
I sometimes wonder why some people have depression and some people don't. I've seen people that can just overlook everything and just be happy.
I have no answer for you--I wish I did, but please don't give up.
I hope for you to overcome this depression.

Therag 07-07-2006 12:44 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Hi. Like what justme321 said, I wish I had the answer but I cant.

The only thing I can say is that you are not alone and we all care for each other on this site.

We all suffer the feelings you feel. We all have feelings of worthlessness and despair, we all feel talentless and uncharismatic, ugly and all the other feelings that we suffer.

How many people do you see who are not particularily good looking or charismatic, but are happy? It's all the depression that's to blame, the horrible curse.

Take care, and hoping you will feel better.

Therag

Multiple Man 07-07-2006 08:10 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Im never really ok. Just, holding on really, to the edge of a burning thread. Is there a such medication(one I havent already taken) that could really help me. Im currently on Prozac and klonapin. I think its true what they say about the medication though. It can only really mask the real problem, which in some cases there may be no cure for. Or its just a puzzle thats nearly impossible to solve, could take years to solve. I dont know which catagory I fall under but, only time will tell. I guess when it all comes down to it, I have to fight. I dont know if I have any of that left. Fight what? Fight a monster you cant even see.

kathryn00 07-07-2006 09:06 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Hello! I wish you weren't so sad. I have felt that way, too.

You probably already know what you need to do to fight this. You just need a little hope.

As you get better, and you will, you will find that what you are going through is what is going to make you the person that you really are. You have probably never really been that person.

And it will be a much better person. A person who cares, emphathizes, is compassionate. You will be able to recognize this in every person you meet. And you will smile at them in understanding. And you will make a difference in their life. Even in prison. People want someone that understands them.

You have picked yourself apart, you have analyzed everything, your soul is empty. You have the choice to fill it up with whatever you want. You are afforded an opportunity that not that many have.

Don't give up on the drugs. They really can be your friend.

Hope things get better!

Love,
Kathryn

Multiple Man 07-09-2006 07:03 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
You know for many of us the sad thing is that we spend so much time fighting this disease and oneday you wake up and realize all the years that has gone by that you could have savoured, enjoyed with your kids or family, travelled, or accomplish your goals in life. I look back at the last 12 years of my life and they are so empty. No memories of anything significant or happy. No acheivements. Nothing.

You start wondering if having hope is just something prolonging the suffering or is it really there, is it really a way. Can I ever feel happiness again. I remember that person once. I knew him. Ive been looking for him ever since. But hes buried under so many years of depression and misery.

How can you fight something you cant see. You cant see it on a Xray. You cant bandage it, it never heals. It never heals. Doctors, counsellors, and family dont understand it. And neither do I.

sparrow999 07-09-2006 05:59 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
I know what you are talking about. Exactly. And I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this is how my life is going to be. After 1-1/2 years of therapy and meds it is no better. Nothing interests me. I feel nothing, even for those I love. I know I love them, but I can't feel it. Many nights I have cried out to God to take this pain from me. I've wished for someone I could talk to, someone who understood. But there are no support groups here. I think that only someone who knows this experience themselves can really understand. You try to tell a normal person and they just say something like things will get better - just take it one day at a time. Well, that sounds good for someone with a minor problem.

I tell my psychologist that I know what he is telling me to do is logical. I can understand that I need to get more exercise. But emotionally I can't do it. I strangely want to do things that will feed my depression. I'm not sure he understands the hold this thing has on me. My psychiatrist says he has done all he can do. I'm on 5 meds and the only other thing is ECT, and I won't do that.

Now I'm thinking that I just need to lower my expectations of having a happy life. At first I had hope. But as time passes that fades. I wish I had an uplifting experience that would inspire you, but I don't. Perhaps someone in this board will.

SOE 07-11-2006 09:23 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
I see you.

marshmallow 07-11-2006 09:35 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
multiple man I am sorry for the way you feel. You said you have no talent but you do! You sure know how to express yourself and write. I find that a great talent. You have more to give the world than you realize. I hope you start seeing the good in you.

Pandora_0729 07-11-2006 05:21 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Multiple Man, your words touched me. Im a huge fan of literature and poetry and I can tell you that you are definately a talented writer. I know exactly how you feel, while I was reading through your words, its as if I was reliving my past, having flashbacks of old memories that I wish to forget. Let me share my story with you and maybe it will help you find hope.

I was born in Alexandria, Egypt and moved to NYC when I was 3 years old. My
parents moved there in hope of a better life and so that I could get a proper education. I was an only child leading a normal happy life up until I was 17 years old. It was a cold December evening when my parents went away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary. They never returned home.
The roads were very bad...they hit a beer truck and died in the car accident.
My world had crashed. I was a helpless 17 year old girl all alone in a big city. I moved in with my best friend who lives 15 minutes away from me. There, I mourned the loss of my parents for 2 weeks. I didn't eat, sleep and only got out of bed to go to the washroom. I cried to the point where I was like a vegetable. I just lied there, motionless. Finally after those 2 weeks I had to get a grasp on reality and get a part time job to support myself. My best friend and her family were really good to me and got me a job at the local cafe. I came into work 6 days a week like a zombie. Its like I was never really there, my mind was somewhere else. By this time I was already deeply depressed and it just started getting worse and worse. After work I took up bad habits and did almost every drug you can think of. My personal favorite was cocaine. It started off with once a week, then couple times a week, then every day. I was blowing my money on drugs to the point where I couldn't afford to pitch in for food anymore. So instead of doing the right thing and giving up drugs, I started stripping and sleeping around so I can get more money to buy drugs. What a disgrace. The only pleasure I felt in life was from drugs and sex. Yet none of those men ever cared about me or loved me. They probably had wives and a family but they were being unfaithful and picking up [[I]removed[/I]] like me. I looked for love in the wrong places. This went on for 2 years. Within those 2 years I moves several times, because my best friend could no longer support me. I lived in shelters. I had also already had 4 abortions. I disgust myself as im writing this to you. Finally when I was 20 years old, I left the shelters and the big city and moved into the country with my great aunt. She was 71 years old at the time. She helped me a lot in those days because she made me realize things. She sent me to rehab and helped me get clean. It was a long and hard process but thats a whole different story that I wont share here. Nonetheless, within a year I became drug free. However, that was not the end of my sorrow. I woke up from that nightmare just to stray into another. It was always dark where my aunt lived. She was old and poor and didn't have the money to pay for her electricity so she never turned on the lights. Infact, she didn't even have light bulbs. Instead, the house was filled with candles. She would sit by the candles at night and read her books. Ah, she had so many books. And it was here that I fell in love with literature and poetry. She introduced me to a whole new world. I was felt life only when I read. I spent years isolated from the world in a dark house reading bibles, history, philosophy, fairytales, and the adventures of heroes and monsters. I would never leave the house and I would never be caught dead even showing my face during the day. I grew to hate the light as if I was mad at the sun. Finally, the day had come when my aunt was 76 and dying of cancer. She said that she only had several years to live and told me that I needed to move on. I accepted this because I knew she was old and she had lived her life. One day she had a very long and important talk with me and she made me realize something. All these years I thought that I hated life when infact I love it. I read all the time because that was my escape. And even though it wasnt real, it was still a dream and not a nightmare. So I asked myself what I wanted more than anything in the world. But I need not ask for I already knew the answer: I wanted to see it. I wanted to see everything that I read about. And not as a tourist but as an explores and a wanderer. So I made a plan. I would no longer waste my life. I would live it. I would take everything it has to offer and give it nothing in return. I went to teachers college and got a degree for being a high school english teacher. It became one of my greatest experiences. I interacted with the kids, I socialized, I formed a bond with them and you it felt good. With the money I was making I refurnished my aunts house, gave her new floors, furniture and bought her the brightest light bulbs. Now the reason that i chose to become a teacher in the first place was so that I could travel when I would get time off. I've been pretty much all across Europe and Asia and seen some of the most marvelous places in the world. I took pictures everywhere I went and posted them all over the house in memory of my beautiful travels. At age 79 my beloved aunt passed away. I made the decision to sell the house and leave the country for my final destination: Alexandria, Egypt...or what I call "home". When I stepped off the plane into the hot air, I was reaquainted with an old friend: My long lost sun. With the light shining down on me I felt like an angel. And when I finally laid my eyes on those pyramids, it seemed liked nothing else in the world mattered. There was no more pain and no more sorrow. Im am still living in Egypt and I teach English at a local high school. It was fate that my mother named me "Pandora" because I ended up having to open my own box of suprises.

I just want to let you know that throughout all my years of depression, pills never helped me. They just numbed my feelings, thats all. They didn't help me rise. I used to believe in God but sadly to say, he didn't help me either. It was "I" who helped myself. I'm almost 40 and I live alone, without a husband or kids and Im perfectly fine with it because I made that choice. If you want to be loved, you need to learn how to love yourself first. You say you are unintelligent and you have no soul yet you poured your soul along with all your intelligence in your words. And looks don't matter because personality makes looks. You can find a person attractive just from likeing their personality-Im sure a lot of people know what Im talking about here. Life needs no purpose. In the end we'll all die and it won't matter how goodlooking we were, how many kids we had or what kind of car we drove. It just doesn't matter. Do whatever makes you happy and don't EVER EVER EVER
take things too seriously.

Multiple Man 07-12-2006 09:50 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Pandora, i copied your post and saved it on my computer. I was moved just by the beauty of your words and how you shared your life with me. Very few things in this world can move me, and your post did. Just the way you opened your life to me was so moving. Ive been wrapped in a cocoon of anxiety and hopelessness. Today, just for this moment I was able to step out of it and breathe a little and feel something inside myself. A spark, maybe a flicker. But I felt it. Im trying to hold on to it. Like rubbing sticks together trying to make the tiniest flame appear. Because once you get the fire started, that burning desire that Ive felt once before is almost unstoppable.

I cant say i read much anymore. Im about on a 8th grade reading level. I love to write. Well, loved. As in I kind of lost the passion because noone ever reads it but me. Its true you read and write about the things that make life so beautiful. Like a fairy tale. But it can be real. To, some. But there are ones who cant seem to escape their fate. I dare not attempt to regurgitate my story here. Its not nearly as remarkable as yours. Both tragically and your triumph. I was born crying. And I will probably die crying. Growing up poor wasnt even the worst thing about my childhood. It was being beaten, abused, and picked apart by every vulture in the sky. I was small. Weak. Afraid. And I couldnt hide it. It was like they could smell the odor of fear from me. My only sexual experience ever was being raped by a male teacher. Had my leg broken. Been burned. Put down, spit on. It was a daily test of survival. Physically and mentally. Your skin and bones heal eventually, but the mind can only take so much trauma. And I was just a kid with a little toy rabbit as my only friend. Looking up at the moon as if it was the face of God and praying with tears in my eyes that tomorrow I wont be hurt anymore.

Man. Im only 28. The things that haunt me.... Sigh. Right now Im in a very critical point in my life. Because something has to give. I know I cant continue this way. But I got a harsh lesson in reality and human nature recently. See I never really had a problem finding hope. I stubbornly never let go of it. Sometimes I think I should. And let life run its course and fate do its duty. I set myself up for failure time and time again hoping. Dreaming. Sometimes hope runs you into a dead end. And ive watched my hopes and dreams crash and break into pieces time and time again. 2 years ago, I had hope in the form of a woman. The only person outside of my immediate family that ever said the words I love you to me. When someone tells you they love you it does something to you inside. Changes you. Changes everything. No, not the woman. Its the love. Especially when the only thing in life I was ever shown was hate. Here I was. Big, fat, ugly desperate black man with mental illness galore and nothing to offer but a heart the size of Jupiter. She lives in the Philippines. I fell inlove with her before I even knew where the country was. Couldnt have found it on a map at that time. Didnt care if it was in the middle of Antartica. I fell inlove before I knew the hoops we would have to jump just to get her into the U.S. Seemed daunting, and riddled me with anxiety. But I didnt care. A woman just said she loves me. Hope, happiness, a life, oppurtunities, and most importantly, someone to love just served itself on a platter and Im a very hungry man. I spent 7-8 months scrubbing tire rims and cleaning buildings at 3am in the morning making about 400/wk and saving as much as I possibly could. Bought a $1400.00 ticket. 30 hour flight. Didnt care, i was in love. Then the day before my flight it hit me. I was oblivious to it. Fear. Imagine yourself running fullspeed to the finish line and all of sudden you stop in one place like your frozen.

The panic attack crippled me. I pushed and fought til the last few hours but the beast would not let me go. Lost money. Lost hope. Thought I lost her too. But I didnt give up. Because if I didnt get on that plane I would return to the darkness that I once were. Where there was no hope, no love, no happiness, nothing. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. How did you get yourself into this Mr. Man. Either face your fear, or face the darkness.

You know they say its better to be with the devil you know than the devil you dont know. I know what the darkness was. I had gotten so accustomed to it. Like now. It hurts. Im suffering. Im sad, miserable in pain but, fear, ooh oh oh my my my. Thats another beast. A powerful beast. One that has stood inbetween me and every goal or dream ive ever had. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of being trapped in a position or situation you cant get out of. I can handle depression. Anxiety makes me want to die.

But guess what. We stayed together. I gave it another shot. I put on some scrappy armour, I got a rusty sword, I mustard up a little courage, and I went to slay the fire breathing dragon. I took a little tiny flight from here to a nearby city because I never been on a plane before. I brokedown my fears. Negotiated with the beast. I was going from one extreme to another. From being a hermit that barely could drive to a local store, to going on the other side of the world.

Triumph. I dont know how I did it. Love maybe. Xanax. Lots of sleeping. All of the above i guess. I got on the plane. 25 hours of fighting panic. And finally, here I was. Standing in front of a 5ft 90lbs woman with tears of joy in her eyes. It was 2 1/2 days I can never forget of course. My fairy tale, everything I thought it would be and more. We were both painfully shy. Which was ok. I didnt go there for sex. I went to feel loved. But of course, you cant run from fate. You cant run from who you are. You cant run from misery. It always finds you. I knew something was wrong. And now Im haunted by the feeling she gave me that I can never have again. The feelings of my arms around her waist. Holding her tiny hand. I can memorize every bone from her knuckles to her finger tips. Her kiss. And these big eyes I could just lose myself staring at. I came home and basically built everything around my life with her. I was looking at apartments and houses. I was looking for a new job. It was like a curse had been lifted. I was happy, smiling. Look at me. You bad boy. You just flew across the world and back. Gonna get married. My family actually noticed me for a change. This was my dream. To just be normal. To be loved. To walk around and not have to feel bitter about seeing people holding hands and kissing because I have that now. A purpose in life. If I didnt live for myself at least I can live for her and our kids. Never alone again. All the pills and years of counselling couldnt make me feel the way i felt that moment....

I can never regain that feeling again. Ever. It can never exist in me again. Because what she did to me erased my soul. treachery at its most egregious form. Too painful for me to even go into details. I saw a movie the other day that kind of describe how that moment was when she told me the truth. A horn sounding. The one you hear when there is a emergency or natural disaster about to happen. And indeed this was a catagory 5 disaster that was about to hit me. The horn would sound, the sky got dark, everything that was beautiful turned ugly. The paint on the walls would just effortlessly peal off and nothing was left but the stains of blood and rust. The sun disappeared. The clouds turned into smoke. Everything turned into rust, and dirt, and the stench of reality filled my nostrils. Like going from heaven to hell in the snap of a finger. Just like when you ironically hear a song on the radio that is eerie relevant to your situation. \\\"I fell in to a burning ring of fire, and it burns burns burns, the ring of fire.\\\"

When you take a mans soul, you make even the devil blush. So dark the con of someones heart. I dont know whats left of me. Im picking up pieces of myself here and there. Im trying to salvage whatever I have left and die on my feet. It took everything I had to get on that plane. It was all wasted just so life could remind me, I dont matter here.

Thank you for your story pandora. I will read it when I need something to move inside me to make me feel alive. You are a beautiful person. A great person. Someone who matters here. Thank you..... thank you.

Lashy33 07-12-2006 04:30 PM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
:wave: Hi multiple man,

I know how you feel how awful this depression can be, and it dose seem after a while your soul and life energy has been zaped right out of you.

Can i ask have you ever experienced any happy times anything that youv enjoyed thats made you feel alive? i find if i can get something even one thing im good at it dose wonders for selfestem, and a large part can be confidence and how you feel within yourself,and you do seem to have a talent for writing.I mean your writings like a professor compared to mine id love to be able to write and express myself as good as you, my writings like a child, so you do have talent.

I can also relate to what you said about looking back over the years and realized what you missed the years that have been wasted on fighting depression.

A psychologist told me i was putting up a self imposed block some subconcious why of protecting myself from past pain, in turn it was causing me not to let people close it was like i felt to unadequite to function in society and have happiness that others take for granted.Do you ever feel this way ?

Anyway your not alone every word you spoke describes how i can feel

Pandora_0729 07-13-2006 07:42 AM

Re: No Hope, No Peace
 
Multiple Man, it made me happy to know that I helped you in some kind of way. If help is what you would call it. I noticed something when I began to read your story. Whether you want to believe it or not, you're a fighter. You just keep on hanging in there and wont let go. That takes strength. Alot of strength. Picking yourself up like to take a plane and fly to the the other side of the world, is a tremendous triumph. You have it in you, even if it buried deep inside the pits of your soul, it's still there. You just have to try and reach it, clear its path once again. You have a sad story, starting from your childhood. I felt pain as I was taking in your words. You're not to blame for being depressed, anybody in your circumstances would feel the same way, it's only human. It seems failure, fear, anxiety and misery are your enemies. They crush you everytime. I know this is hard but the only way to rid yourself of all this pain is to stop them. We all fail in life. We may fail a billion times over and over but the important part is getting back up again. You have fallen very deep in despair so you may have to stand up a little bit taller and a little bit stronger. But you can do it. You did it that day when you got on that plane and flew half way across the world. Only problem is that you fell soon afterwards. And thats okay, because we all crash...but you have to get up again. Nobody is perfect, life isn't perfect and that's the beauty of it. Don't expect yourself to be. Having a big heart is priceless and thats all you need. It goes beyond any quality you can posess. It is the very key to a human soul.
Do you know what makes you happy?
Do you know what must be done?


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