I was hospitalized last week for major depression with suicide ideation. It was not a suicide attempt at all. I took my anxiety med (loranzepam) as prescribed, but I had been out drinking that night. The mixture caused me to act hostile. My husband called 911 and I was screaming out of my head. I went to the emergency room and pulled out my IV. What little I remember is my screaming after they restrained me. I ended up hospitalized involuntarily in the behaviorial health unit. I came home after two days and threw the lorazepam in the trash. Now, I am so ashamed by how I acted I feel more depressed. I'm not in danger of killing myself, because I don't want to die. But, everytime I feel the soreness in my arm where I pulled up the IV, it reminds me of the few memories I have of that night that I sometimes cry. I feel like I am worse off now after that experience then I ever was even though now I am on an antidepressant. I don't know how long it takes for the meds, to kick in, but I hope they will soon.
All I can suggest is, instead of feeling ashamed about what happened, try and learn from the experience. There are things about the episode that tell you things that you need to change. What do you have control over that you can change? For example, you have control over when you drink and how much. I don't know if you have a drinking problem and I know if you do that can be quite difficult, but if you can learn from the experience and not repeat the same mistakes, you do not need to dwell on being ashamed about it.
First, give yourself a break. My God, you are only human. Seriously.
Give the meds a chance. I hope they prove beneficial. I have been on very intimate terms with depression for too many years. Some meds are more helpful than others. Be nice to yourself and hang in there.
Oh gods, I had one drink a few hours after taking an anxiety med and it felt like I'd been out on a bender for hours. Luckily I went docile and wwozy but it could just have easily have happened to me as it did to you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just one of those things that happens.
You know you didn't want to die, you were just on a crazy cocktail that made you do things completely out of character. I hope the ad's work and you feel better, but don't let this discourage you, you were getting better once, then you had a blip, it'll be even easier to get back there a second time.
Don't be ashamed of yourself. I was in a Psyc hospital several months ago. I know how it feels to be ashamed of being somewhere like that. But, I also know that if I had not checked myself into this place, I may not be here right now. When I feel ashamed, I usualy cry on my husband's shoulder, and it makes me feel better for a little while. It may just take time. I know that I am not over my hospital stay yet. Hang in there. Don't give up