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Old 07-27-2006, 12:53 AM   #1
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JB68711 HB User
I don't know what to do

I feel like I realized I will never be happy. I'm 20, and I've been battling with depression over the past 6 years. It has had its ups and downs, and now it feels like I'm at an all time low. It feels impossible to deal with, instead of hard to deal with. Most of the time, my mind is clouded with really negative thoughts... just thoughts that bring me down constantly. Whether or not it is associated with me directly, or if it really has nothing to do with me. It's to the point that if I'm watching TV or a movie, and something tragic happens, it hits me really hard. I just get this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and horrible things go through my head. It's as though the mere thought of something bad happening to someone else makes me feel just as sad as that person feels. Even just the thought of the world and the horrible things that go on brings me far down.
It also gets in the way of me doing things, or even comprehend the point of doing things. Sometimes it seems like it would make more sense for me to just sit alone and wallow in these thoughts, because they seem to incessantly consume my mind anyway. And it would be easier to do this alone in my room, because I can't seem to distract myself from these things for more than a moment.
Even though it's an easy way to get away from things, sometimes I'm scared to sleep. I feel like being so depressed and hopeless will result in me not waking up, simply because there's nothing to wake up for. Do I feel like death is a solution? Possibly, but I'm still scared to die. I mean, sometimes I want to die... but I ALWAYS don't want to want to die. I'm just scared that I will never be happy for more than a moment. And the only moments I am happy is when something makes me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, but something that is amusing shouldn't be the only cause of happiness. That's not normal. I don't even remember what it feels like to go to bed happy or even content. I always dread the day that is ending and the day that is coming... because I know that a day gone has been a day wasted, and a day coming will be a day wasted. The question on my mind is, is the day wasted because of these thoughts, or are these thoughts because of the day wasted? Like... am I depressed because I'm not doing anything with my life, or am I not doing anything with my life because I'm depressed? Sounds like a conundrum to me.
I don't know how to get help or how to find a solution... at this point I can't see a psychologist or obtain medication because I don't have insurance right now and cannot afford it. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be stuck in this state of mind forever.

Last edited by JB68711; 07-27-2006 at 12:56 AM.

 
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Old 07-27-2006, 03:48 AM   #2
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Re: I don't know what to do

i hear you. i feel the same way. never seem to be happy. never seem to enjoy life. i dread night time sometimes as i can't sleep that well and i fear its another sleepless night. when i do go to sleep i wake up early. i am constantly feeling hopeless, worthless, despair. its just never ending. depression is also an illness but the good news its treatable and with the right treatment...meds..you can live a more normal life.

i have gone to a church that offers free counseling. is there one near you? i'm not sure if all churches offer free counseling but its a start. look in the phone book and call a few and see. "non denominal" ones are bible based and should be able to help.

i have been down way to long so i'm now taking medication. i don't know either how i would deal with this if i didn't have insurance. i have been to the point of wanting to die. its not that i want to die i just want these feelings to stop...no matter what. depression is bad. well, i hope i was of some help. you could also call a hotline number. just tell them you need help but can't afford it. see what they say. i've never had to call one though.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 10:53 AM   #3
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wannaBcured HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

Hi ..start a new thread and title it something about needing "Free Services" or "no insurance and need help". I know there are free services available.
In the mean time, tell me about yourself? What is your day like? Are you going to school, work etc. You sound like a smart guy. You just need a little bit of help I think. You are doing the right thing by reaching out on here. I hope someone has some info for you.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-03-2006 at 07:07 PM.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 06:39 PM   #4
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Re: I don't know what to do

Thanks for your replies, Mokie and wannaBcured. I don't know about the whole church idea, just because I don't know how they counsel. I believe in God, but I want more than a religious point of view, I guess. I don't want to be told stuff like "Just have faith and everything will work out", you know.

Anyway, well as I said I'm 20. And as of right now, I don't have anything going on. I dropped out of school when I was 16... not because it was too hard or I wasn't smart enough. Although I didn't do well, I just slacked off. When the tests came around, I would do really well... but I didn't really do homework much, because I had much "better" things to do. After a while, I just gave up on it. I did start improving my grades, but it just seemed like I was too behind to catch up in time. And I dreaded the thought of having to graduate a year late, with my younger brother. I told myself I would go and get my G.E.D., I even took a practice test which I passed. But, typical of me, I never did.
When I was 18 I started taking some classes at the community college, did well... but then after that semester, I stopped... and then started again a year later, and I did well, but stopped again. I have dreams and ambitions, but I can't seem to stay focused or motivated. I'm hoping that this fall I will continue, I really do want to go... and it's sad that I can't even be sure whether or not I will.
My job history hasn't been that much better. I've had 4 jobs in the past like 3 years. How does that even make sense? I mostly seem to lose my jobs spontaneously. I'm a hard worker, and I don't have problems with my superiors. But one day I will just not go. And then never go back. I don't know why, and I know it's stupid. I had my first job at 17, for about 6 months. Next job for about 6 months, the next was 4 months, and then my last was 5 months. And there were months between each job, where I just sulked... for one reason or another. Now it's been two months since the last one. I did go to a job agency a week ago, and am hoping they can help find something I want to do. I know that by not doing anything, it certainly does add to my depression. Looking back on it, it seems as though I was happier when I did have a job and was in school and stuff. But at the same time, whenever I look back on anything, it always seems so much better than it is now. I don't know if that's just me or if that's just life... but at any given point, when I look back on things, they seem so much better than they really were.
As far as friendships go, I've pretty much been isolating myself. I know it's not healthy, but sometimes I just feel like my friends don't understand me... and it doesn't help that I don't understand myself. I just waste away... and I have every problem with it, but I don't know how to change it. I analyze certain things they say. They don't have bad intentions in their words, though sometimes I wish they did. Because sometimes they say things that hurt me, and they don't even realize it... and it just makes it that much worse that they didn't even know. For instance, I was sitting in the car with my friend... we couldn't really figure out anything to do, so we parked. And she started texting on her cell phone. And every time I tried to start a conversation, she would just kind of give me one word responses. After about 15 minutes, she then starts laughing really hard and says "OMG Jeff is sooo funny! I have to read this to you!" And then she proceeds to read the WHOLE conversation she was having while ignoring me when we were hanging out. And I just started thinking of how boring and uninteresting of a person I must be. And this happened weeks ago, but when I think about it now, it still gets to me. Just stupid things like that, just turn me off to people in general.
And I had a bf for about 5 months now (I'm gay)... but after this last job didn't work out, I kept feeling worse about myself. So I kind of stopped talking to him and taking his phone calls 2 weeks ago. I never talked to him about my problems, because I try to be someone else when I'm around him. I don't like the way I am... and I don't find it attractive in the least. I just don't see how I can have a relationship with someone who knows all of this about me, who knows all these problems. Anyway, this post is getting really long, but in my defense, wannaBcured you asked! Thanks to whoever else is reading this.

Last edited by JB68711; 07-27-2006 at 06:48 PM.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 07:49 PM   #5
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GHGore HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

I hate hearing about situations like this, but everytime I do it gives me a realization that so many of us in this boat are wired so similarly.

I am one of the most empathetic people I know. I'm a HUGE softy. As a news/current events junkie I eat up the things that are ongoing in this world and see wrongdoings done to my fellow human with great sadness.

This, my friend, is a character trait, as hard as it may be to suffer. Thank God, you have this aspect to your humanity, don't see it as a weakness and cross to bear.

I hope things start turning around for you, but one of the first big steps you have to take is begin to believe. The situation is treatable. You are the Gamemaster to your life. It's INCREDIBLY hard, grasping and using that knowledge to begin change, but it's what will start the path to recovery.

Some days I'll just MELT into my couch and others, simply by circumstances I'll get out and about... those days, those are the ones I cant understand why otherwise, I would have wasted the day away in my hermitage.

A journey begins with a single step.

 
Old 07-29-2006, 01:29 AM   #6
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Re: I don't know what to do

Thanks for your words of encouragement, GHGore. It can be so much easier to just sit around... but it's also so much easier to regret. I hate those periods where I can do this for days and weeks... and not even worry about it until it's time to beat myself up over it.

I do agree that empathy is a very good character trait, and it's one I've always had and valued. I'm very happy that I can see things from someone else's views and feelings. But lately my mind has just been going overboard with it... to the point where I overreact to it, think too much about it, and ultimately let it bring me down.

I hate hearing situations on the topic of "depressed" also. Naturally, we want to do everything we can to help that person, but all we can really do is give encouragement and the rest is up to them. I just hope they aren't really as helpless as they think.
As for me, some days I feel as helpless and hopeless as ever. But I know that day won't last forever. (Corny rhyme that just came out... but it works)

Last edited by JB68711; 07-29-2006 at 01:29 AM.

 
Old 07-29-2006, 04:47 AM   #7
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bjeanne HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

JB:

PLEASE, you sound like such a sweet, smart and GRACIOUS human being. PLEASE try to find help. It breaks my heart (see, you are not alone with the empathy "thing") to see this sadness in someone so young. I have suffered a long time. I know HOW you feel, please believe me, I do.

I have to believe that somewhere, near you, is an agency/mental health service that will help you without insurance. Please try to find someone. I really don't believe any one of us can do it alone. I don't know where you live, but where I live, I can dial #211 (like informatin #411) and tell them what services I need, etc., and they can provide me with lists; I pray you have something like that in your area.

No, you are not "overreacting" by being hurt by your friend who was texting someone else while you were right there. The only thing I want you to consider is that if she is young (as you are) and does not have to deal with things the way WE do, then she just WILL NOT get it and as horrible as it is to imagine (like, how clueless can someone be, right). she doesn't know how insensitive she was. If she's a really, really close friend, tell her how it made you feel!

It helps to have someone in your life to talk to, especially until you find counseling.

Until then . . .I'm glad you found this site.

PLEASE hang in there. . as cliche as that sounds. Sometimes, that's all we can do.

I have to believe it will ge better for all of us

GH . . .what you said and how you said it was wonderful . . I'm so glad you saw JB's posting. You helped me, too, by the way. God bless you for that.

JB, take good care, please. . . . people do care! You are NOT alone.

 
Old 07-29-2006, 09:41 AM   #8
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texascritter HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

I have some advise for you. Call your county health dept and explain what's going on with you and your suitation with no insurance. They will cerently be able to help you. Texascritter

 
Old 07-29-2006, 11:18 AM   #9
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caffiene7372 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

I agree with the other posts. Look into a church group. My church has a Discovery Recovery group. Even though it's held at a Lutheran Church, it is a non-denominational. We are very lucky to have a licensed therapist lead the group. I've also found journaling very helpful. It's theraputic to put all the thoughts down on paper. Oh...you don't have to be a good writer either. No one else has to read it. I always ask myself to write about a hurt, fear or frustration (and there's always at least one!). I also find reading very helpful. I could spend hours in a book store looking for fun and educational books to read. A few of my favorite pick me up books are: The Blue Day Book and God Thinks your Wonderful. I've just finished reading a book called Healing is a Choice by Steve Arterburn. Another person struggling with Depression recomended it to me. It's about 10 decisions you can make to transform your life and 10 lies that will prevent you from making them.....

Best wishes to you. Remember, you are not alone

Last edited by caffiene7372; 07-29-2006 at 11:23 AM.

 
Old 07-30-2006, 11:23 AM   #10
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Unhappy Re: I don't know what to do

Honey,
Every post on here has offered great advice and I hope you are able to glean the different methods that will work for you. In no way do I mean to downplay what all these kind people have offered.

But when I read your post, you sounded like the most seratonin starved person I've ever bumped into. I WAS you until they invented Prozac, and the first doctor tossed a sample over his desk and said "Here, try this." The enclosed literature said I would notice a difference in 4-6 weeks. I responded in ten days. Suddenly I could watch long-distance commercials without going into a sobbing fit, I could think "What a beautiful day" without immediately overriding myself with "Yeah, but I have to go to the dentist next week, and life sucks anyway". I was 100% unhappy 100% of the time, but after ten days on an SSRI, my life did a 180. I eventually moved on to other SSRIs as my physical and emotional needs changed, but I have taken one kind or the other every day since that doctor tossed a box of Prozac at me.

Whether this is the case with you, I cannot know. I pray it is, because its an easy fix. I'm going to offer two bits of advice here as to how to get to the doctor and the medication that you need. First of all, use your computer. Feed in your city and state, and some combination of the words FREE, psychiatric counseling. Keep trying until you find something. If all that fails, and nobody in your area does that - somehow piece together the money for a first psychiatrist's visit. Borrow it from friends, your parents, get that money somewhere. Some pdocs won't take you without insurance, just keep calling them until one will. Just say with an air of great financial stability, "No, I'll be paying cash." and then find out how much cash is involved. Get it!

Once you're in the door and talking to him, he will take it from there. Let him know you're uninsured and you need samples. He has them in his `Secret Place`. He won't kick you out the door for being uninsured, that's his office manager's job. Once you've slipped by her, the hard part's done.

A third resource is the pharmaceudical companies themselves. I lost my job/insurance due to Hurricane Katrina and I had to learn to do some creative begging in a hurry. I approached three pharma companies with a letter saying, "Hi, I can't live without your product (insert product here) but I'm really pathetic and I don't have insurance, and will you help me out?" All three responded in the affirmative and send my meds, three months supply at a time for up to two years, to the prescribing doctor. So there's another resource for you. You find the Patient Assistant addresses online - go to the pharma company by name, and they'll have a thread to their particular PA program.

Don't you feel just exhausted and like this is too much to deal with? Take step one, get on the phone/computer and get yourself into a doctor's office. Step two, find the money to pay for the visit, if you cant find free assistance. Once your head is cleared up and you have some energy to deal with it all, you'll be able to take it from there.

You are not doomed to the life you're living forever. But it is your responsibility to do something to fix it. Take every step you can. PC

 
Old 07-31-2006, 04:12 PM   #11
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Stoney109 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

i am not usually in this thread but i decided to browse..looks like it's not because of any health issue that you are depressed. be thankful for your health. i'm 20, and havent had a day where i had no physical pain or symptom in almost a year, and didnt have a day of breathing normal for even 5 minutes, in 7 months. i used to be very anxious and depressed before all this health stuff happenned, now all i have to be depressed about is my health. it's taught me to be happy for what i have. if you got your health, you don't know how lucky you are. take a walk, go to the park, watch nature channels, meditate, get away

 
Old 08-03-2006, 02:55 PM   #12
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JB68711 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

Thank you all for your replies over the past couple of days. I appreciate your words of advice. Things have become worse though. And I hate to say this after all the help everyone has provided, but I just still "don't know what to do". I find myself thinking this several times throughout the day.

Throughout the past few days, I've just become more zombie like. I've been completely discontent with everything... and all I can think about is the way I feel. I've been feeling more disconnected from the world, from life... from myself. I feel extremely inadequate in every way possible. It seems like as time goes by, I start thinking "Wow... I thought a week ago it coudn't be any worse. Man was I wrong." I just feel empty inside. I can't eat much, and lately I've been sleeping 14 hour days. I'll go to sleep at night, wake up in the morning. And within just a few hours of not doing anything, I'll be tired again and need to sleep... and then wake up in the evening for a few hours, and then back to sleep at night.

Patsy... I agree that most likely I'm deprived of serotonin. Because I've always been moderately depressed... but the feelings got worse after I did meth for the first time a few months ago. These feelings would come and go throughout the day. Sometimes I'd go a day or 3 without these feelings. But it seems they have become worse over time. And recently, someone told me that meth can deplete serotonin. So I think that's my answer. I have managed to stay away from that stuff.

After reading your reply patsy, I decided to tell my mom. I was so worried about talking to her about it before, because I felt like I would be a burden... as I feel about talking to anyone about it. And frankly, she didn't seem to care at all. I told her about all these unbearable feelings I've been going through... and she kind of just nodded along, and said "I'll find you a number." We aren't really that close, though we live together and see each other everyday. We talk everyday about this and that. And we tell each other "I love you". But I think that she resents me for mistakes I've made. I talked to her about our relationship not being that strong, and she blamed it on me for friends that I made in the 7th grade... basically for going through those years where I would rather hang out with my friends than my mom. She told me that she heard about this center that counsels for a low price each session. When I called, I found out that it was $60 a month, for 4 sessions a month. And something about the psychologists being interns or something, like people trying to be psychologists. I'm just so frustrated, because I owe my mom money. And I don't want to be more of a financial burden to her. Plus I don't really want to take any help from her if she truly doesn't care. She was just so nonchalant about the whole thing, and at the end was like "We need milk, so you probably want to go pick some up." And handed me some money.

I just cried... I didn't think our relationship was that bad, or necessarily bad. I just thought we weren't close. She just didn't show any emotion at all. I feel like she's disappointed in me for not being a responsible adult, and for being somewhat of a financial burden for the past couple of years.

I don't even know if I feel like going to some session. I just want to be medicated, I feel that that's what I need. I don't want to talk about how I feel anymore... I just want to take something to help resolve it, and move on. Because if I do have a lack of serotonin, talking isn't going to help it, you know? I'm sorry this post has become so long, but thanks for reading it.

 
Old 08-03-2006, 04:16 PM   #13
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Unhappy Re: I don't know what to do

Hihi -,
I'm glad to see you back on here & still reaching out - although it seems like you're just more worn out with it all.

What you're doing with your mother right now is projecting. You're examining her motives, projecting your mood onto how she reacted when you talked to her. You're projecting because you are sick and your whole filtering system is wobbly. Think of her reaction this way instead: When she heard that commercial about inexpensive counseling, she filed it away mentally for further use. (You think she hasn't NOTICED how wrong you are right now?) When you told her how bad it was getting, she gave you a 100% proactive response, "I'll find a phone number." Which she did, in short order. She's making the visit possible financially.

Because she didn't react the way you wanted her to, you spiralled a little further down into depression and questioned her response. You projected. Consider that she may be frantic with worry and this acting unconcerned thing may be her coping mechanism. My mother used to get mad at me when I was sick with depression. It was the only coping mechanism she had. She was crazy-worried and furious that she couldn't fix it. We were able to talk it through when I was better. It was a huge discovery for me; her anger made me feel like I wasn't worth caring about. I projected.

Baby, I know you don't have the energy to go to these intern counselors right now, but that's the only way the medication happens. You have to make the first move. Nobody will knock on the door wanting to know if you'd like a prescription for a seratonin reuptake inhibitor. Get yourself there, and once you ARE there, make very sure they understand how really low you are sinking and that you feel you are in need of an SSRI. As interns, they're responsible to someone - if they can't write, they find the person who can. Actually, your mom has made it so simple for you - just go do what you have to. Worry about owing her money later. Worry about her reactions later. Worry about you tried meth later. Just move, go!!!

When you're better you won't sleep all the time, you'll want to get out, get a job, get a life. You won't cry at the tv. Pay your mom back then. Have a long talk with her about the way you two interact then.

For what it's worth, I'm very worried about you, so are a lot of other people who responded to you here. Call, get an appointment. I bet they ask if it's an emergency, say "yes!" With prayer, Patsy C. Catsy

Last edited by patsycatsy; 08-04-2006 at 07:09 AM.

 
Old 08-03-2006, 06:06 PM   #14
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wannaBcured HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

Hey ,I agree with Patsy. Your mom gave you the tools, now call the clinic and get started. That is the only way you will get any med's. Don't try to self medicate yourself by drinking or getting street drugs. It won't help, it will only make things worse.
Now go find that phone number and set up an appointment. Get going Mr.....

 
Old 09-03-2006, 04:42 PM   #15
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JB68711 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do

I wanted to update everyone, seeing as though my last reply was a month ago and there has been some kind of progress since then. I never started the counseling at the center my mom referred me to, I guess because my priority was trying to get medication.

I registered for school this fall, which I'm happy about because it gives me some direction. I start next Monday and am nervous but still excited. I enrolled for this program that consists of 12 units per semester (full-time student), and it's only a one night, four hour class every Monday... which is great because I've become such an introvert (the thought of going to school every day makes me uneasy), and it leaves me time to work the rest of the week.

I was thrilled to find out that I can now be covered under my mom's health insurance... and this week will be able to start the policy and set up an appointment for a psychiatrist and counseling with a psychologist. I'm hoping to be put on proper medication and be able to get "back to normal". I just hope it will help a great deal and that I wont be stuck like this for long.

So thanks again for all your advice and encouragement. A lot of you have expressed so much hope in your replies and I just wanted to let you know it's helped me keep my head up.

 
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