Ok if this can be labelled "normal" then what is labelled "crazy?!"
Ok i need to update my last entry because people becuase of my bad wording got the impression i was attenion seeking becuase i worded it wrong and i need everyone to know the truth and i need to prove that just is not but i am doing i genually know dep sown i have some illness for what i am about to write is going to be deep, deeper than i have ever expressed myself.
"Fictonal Characters" In My Head
Ok this is how far back it goes. In P.3! There was this person in my class who i wasn't exactly friends with but i liked them. I decided that i wanted to be "them" and one day at home getting dressed for school, i jumped into "them" and got it drilled into my head i was them. I did this for a long time with this person. There were other incidents after that one, and then cam another one of P5. I had bought a packet of footballer cards and decided wouldn't it be cool if they were all like kids and i was there mother? So i put all the cards out and decided which age each one was going to be. One day i decided i wanted to be them so i jumped into "them" taking each one in turn and "living them". I did this for a long time. In P6 there was a certain soap line going on the TV and i thought "hey" i'll turn this into a "story" so i "married" them in my head and they had "children" and lead a nice little life. I thought about this one a lot and one day it stopped. Shortly after i seen a man of the TV liked the look of him and thought "ok so i'm going to make him my dad and he will be married to my mum" This one didn't last too long but i did think about it quite a lot.Then in about P7, I got obsessed with the people in my class and decided they were ALL my family, i used to "play" with them in the garden and at that age you do NOT have imagiary friends unless your crazy! Next one is the one which is destroying me. I began to like a new band and became obsessed with the two men in it. So i decided that i was going to be going out with them. I had things planned years in advance about what was going to happen in the "relationship" this was a very drawn out progression. But at the same time i decided that that same man was now in this story my dad. He for some reason was working at are school and for some other strange reason bam! it was unleased he was my dad and bam! next thing i'm living in Sweden with a sister who hates my guts and slit my face with broken glass or lite a firework in my face, beat me up or put me down! Starting first year i realised that wasn't "real" enough so i dropped the sister and for a VERY short period life was good, but then i decided life's a ***** and in this family everyone is talented(note: this is a real family that live in Sweden that i have become obsessed with) the family consisted of actress, news reporter's, many singers and i was the failure, the girl who no-one liked the object of the family which was made fun of and ignored; a living joke. She then began to slit her wrists, jump off walls trying to break her arm jsut so she could feel pain(note: because of this i tried to jump off walls in an attempt to break something but was unsuccessful) She was hospitalized for mental health(note: i think to be honest "she" is me in many ways but i don't like to admit it) Came out of hospital never got any better. My many idea's were of her commiting suicide. This is the "story" which is going to and is beginning to destroy me. It is taking over my life in all aspects and its getting worse and worse. I cannot go an hour not to mind a day with a thought about it. I think about it all the time. I could be in the bath, watching TV, on my Ipod and she'll be there. Its gotton so bad that i could be eating and thinking "God, i must be eating like a freak" and feel as if "they" are watching me, judgeing me! I can't do anything anymore and because of this i now feel that my real family judge me for everything. I don't even like speaking now because i feel what i am saying is wrong and after i say it i feel both my parents and "they" are judging me both at once. The two men that started this have become an overbaring obsession. As they are famous i have hundreds of pictures of them on my computer rambling dates beneath them years and years in advance with a notw which says what is going to happen that day. I search and search the internet for any new pictures i can find of them or new information its like i'm internet stalking to be perfectly honest. But back to the "swedish me" sometimes and i mean a lot i could be thinking about her and what she is doing that moment and without even noticing it i jump into "charator mode" to be honest its scary. Even at school i pretend and try to be her and even though she is a failure, i even think i'm not as good as her and can't pull it off. I try not to go to bed because i know she and the rest will torment me and the many "stories". There is another realy bad story but it makes me so sick i don't want to tell it. Wait there is actaully another two. What you have read is just about 1% of the drama that actually goes on inside my head.
Ok i will admit all i do is lie,lie,lie. It can range from smalls things like: "Mum bought me a present" to silly things "my granmum is getting married" to large and dangerous things which i do not and will not talk about. Alot the things which go on in my "story" i will bring over through my lies. It makes me sick even thinking about them, i have dug myself into this massive hole and can't get out of it. I don't know why i lie, i really don't and to be honest i've been lying since i've been no age. It's always lies and someone is going to find out one of this days and thats it i'm done. But seriously since i was no age, its been one lie after the other started off as stupid things no-one would believe and then it got worse like things that could actually happen. My lies make me feel sick but there's no returning from here, i just cannot stop lying, i just can;t
I'm completely and utterly self-cousious. I am a mess and have no friends. Ok, i'm a depressed freak and who the hell wants to hang about with that. What i hate most about this is whenever once in a blue moon someone wants to be friends, i just resent that person because i feel there better looking, more talented, more loved, more cared for. Now don't get me wrong my parents are great but i'm just so lonely. I resent people because they don't have my flaws, they are everything i'm not, everything i want to be but something i will never be" Sometimes i feel i'm being watched, i'm very anixious and i end of telling thin air to "f***k up and leave me alone" i think that what is watching me is the "swedish me" in my "story" thats whats scary. I also have this wierd thing its like i'll crave and crave for someone to give a damn about me and when you do at first i'm all like "he/she's great, niceist person i've ever met" then bam! i feel like we're getting to close and i'll freak out and want space and then i'll free that person'd lower than scum why honestly i'm the scum not them. I do this with my parents as well which is the horrible part. I also, and this is terrible will put other's down and be nasty and sarcastic just so then for a brief split second everything is about there flaws not mine, but after that seconds past, its back to me being the failure. I can give to out well but the minute someone says the smallest thing to me i'll get so upset and cry like a baby.
I have an awful amount of anger built up inside sometimes i want to trash my room, but i know i can't because my mum will ask me why and i won't tell her the truth. Its an awful feeling to have all this anger, when the time is right, like if i'm outside i'll jump off the wall and try to break something or hit a tennis racket against the wall. I just wanna reck my room, i wanna reck the things i love most because i know after i'm done i'll feel so bad and then i'll probably hit myself. The only good thing is my parents really care about me so i know i can't go around smashing things and not have to give an explaination. If i had parents which weren't so lovely i probably tell them to "****** off"
Now after reading that your trying to tell me i don't have a mental health problem?! Also read my other post which talks about my depression and you ask yourself how is this girl not crazy? From the age of 7 i've been losing it, so what the hell hope does my future have. I will say one more thing; the story world in my head, if i could get it happy i would happily let it take over my life if it meant not having to deal with my problem, and thats the honest truth.