New here, stuff about me.
Hi, very nervous wondering why I'm posting this to complete strangers. Um... I'm going to give a little background info on my life. Yeah, it's going to be boring but anyway.
From the age of 12 to 16 I was bullied by two people I'd been firends with since the age of 7. I suffered with severe depression, tried to kill myself and used to harm myself to cope with it. When I left school I'd gotten over it somewhat and the self harming had stopped. At 16 things were finally moving along I was going to have my braces put on and surgery for my underbite was being arranged. Everything was good until the day I was supposed to have my braces put on. The orthodotist who was doing my dental work was always very mean a lot of the time, and that day the things he said made me run out of there in tears. So my orthodontist treatment stopped. Six months later I was told that the orthodontist who had been treating me was fired due to the ammount of complaints made by his other patients. They said they'd send me a letter to arrange a new orthodontist.
8 months after I was walking home after a night out with friends when there was an road accident in which a person died. I know I saw what happened but I can't remember it, all I remember are sounds. The next day the police came round to take a statement and said if I had been walking home a few minutes earlier I probably would've died. I was in shock but went out as usually until three days later when I found I couldn't leave the house. Two weeks after my so called friends dumped me, because I was to afraid to leave the house. At 18 I could leave the house but only if someone was with me. My doctor diagnosed me with having agoraphbia, but when I spoke to a therapist I was told it was social phobia, which was why I couldn't handle being around a lot of people for long periods of time. So from age of 16 to 19, I was deeply deperessed, terrified of the phone ringing, knocks at the door, leaving the house alone and had no friends.
At 20 my orthodontic work had started back up again and I had my braces put on at the end of november. Now I'm 21 and I'm hoping three months away from my jaw surgery. Now is where the problem begins. I have nobody to talk to and was told back when I had depression before not to bottle it all up like I used to and to talk about it. I try to talk to my mum about things and she says to stop feeling sorry for myself or that I'm not the only one going through this, she is as well. Now I can understand that yes my problems must affect her too, but not to sound me me me, I'm the one actually going through it. I try to only talk to her about stuff once a week, but because of what she says it makes me not want to, now i'm lucky if I get to talk to her once a month. Now she says oh not this again or I'm talking and she's doing something and not replying. I might be better talking to a wall. I know all this stuff is my fault, I don't blame anyone else. I also know I should just get over it like she says, but I don't know what else to do. I've tried medication and theraphy and it makes me worse. The only person who actually talks to me about it is my nan. She suffered with depression after losing grandad, she's the only one who understands. But I don't want to put everything on her, because the family already put too much on her as it is. Half the time I just want to scream and smash things up and other times I just want to cry. I do try not to cry, but usually makes my head and throat hurt. I don't want to be this weak stupid person. I don't know how to cope with feeling so isolated. The problem is now I've started returning to my old ways of coping and harming myself again.
I have no idea what else is left to try. I'm not suicidal, I want to get through this, I just get so tired of fighting these stupid so called illnesses. I feel pathetic there are people out there with real problems, why am I being so weak? I do enjoy some things, I like website design and writing. I'm hoping if I ever get over this to have a career in one of them. Anyway I'm sorry for the long post and all the woe as me stuff. So that's my life so far. Stupid I know.