Lately I've been increasingly tired physically and mentally, and have been getting pretty bored of life. Not that I've ever found it great (if you've read my posts over the years), but lately it's been different.
I have no motivation at all. I have everything I can ever want, but, it's not that I want more, It's just that I just feel like sleeping all day. Very few things interest me but nothing so much that I would be motivated enough to get up and work for.
I've hit rock bottom before. Now I don't feel sad.. there's nothing to be sad about. I have a great family, a beautiful wife and my self esteem is average. So? What else is there? Now what do I do?
I spend all day thinking of the bad things happening throughout the world. Bush, corruption, death, war, religion.. and I feel powerless to stop or do anything about it. How can people be so ignorant.. there's no such thing as Christianity, nor Islam (I was born a Muslim), nor any organized religion. God might exist, but Jesus or Mohammad (assuming they're real) were human beings. Not that I'm against religion, but why kill over it? Sheesh..
Anyway! I'm attending my classes and I'm doing fine. School is easy if I'm motivated enough to go. I've been getting straight As in every class I've ever been in, whether I was interested in it or not. The problem arises when I get so bored and I simply stay home and sleep. I took two semesters off and went to different countries to find spiritual enlightment (not really, but that's what I was hoping I'd bump into) or just any kind of motivation. No luck..
Now I'm back here and *yawn*..
OK, no more ranting, let me get to my real problem. I procrastinate. A LOT. I go to class late every single day. If my class is at 3 PM and I wake up at 7 AM, I still go there late. I have no sense of time and find myself just day dreaming or staring a lot. I can listen to a song over and over and think no time is passing when in reality 30 minutes passed.
I have a huge todo list full of simple/complex things, but nothing on it gets on. I look at it, I tell myself I will do this and that, but I get up and end up doing something else. The thought of doing something on my todo list makes me sick. The thought of keeping a schedule or any plans makes me feel strange inside.
I'm unable to pay attention in class. If I really really need to, I can, and I usually can pay attention with no effort for a few minutes, but trying to not day dream in the middle of class is a struggle. I either day dream or spend my time arguing with myself in my head.
My short term memory is shot. It's gone. I have no short term memory anymore.
Sleeping doesn't refresh my body, nor my mind. I feel exhausted 24/7, and no amount of sleep or caffeine seems to be able to do anything about it. My brain and body are not in sync, I feel. For example, sometimes I feel motivated but my body is too tired, and other times I feel very tired but can't sleep or stop moving. Most of the time, however, I'm both physically and mentally exhausted and even lifting my arms up is a great challenge.
I'm not as pessimistic as I used to be years ago.
I think about the past and the future, never about the present.
I have conversations with people in my head. They aren't imaginary and I don't hear voices, but I go back to conversations I've had and think about what it would be like if I said something else, or what my friend would say if I asked him X.
I'm always anxious. Mentally I might not be but physically I always look worried or concerned. I feel like this is what makes me feel tired.
I'm thinking about going to the doc' and asking for Amphetamine or Methamphetamine for my ADD. I don't believe in ADD but I think it's great to have around because if the local dealers are dry, you can always go to the biggest drug dealer of all, your shrink.
I've tried Ritalin (Methylphenidate, an "Amphetamine-like" drug) once in another country where it's OTC and I guess it did work. I was energized, in a better mood and felt like doing SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Speed isn't a drug I want to take daily, but I feel like I should because my ADD/depression/mental problems are starting to take over my life again. Any advice?
Benzos works wonders for my anxiety but they just made me feel sleepy and I have to commute a lot daily, so I don't want to be on a depressant because I'm already drowsy enough while sober.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for your time. I'm fascinated with the concept of time..
Last edited by joebloggs2; 09-18-2006 at 10:29 AM.
Hi Joe! I swear I could have written this email myself. THough I am not in school everything else just about is the same. I often can sit for hours thinking or having those conversations though my own in the Bipolar crap shoot. I don't friends out side the net and know I would kill the relationship anyway. On the net sometimes it is hard for me to sit and talk without feeling like i need to be elsewhere. I know in a week I have things that have to be done. My problem is motivation as well. I do try to keep the motto just do it in mind and telling myself the faster done the faster we do something else. Though there is really nothing I want to do. Do you find the net depressive? I know in the last couple of months I have so just curious on what you think. I have not done meth and have no plans to start that. So I can't really comment on it though it doesn't sound like a win win situation to me really. More like well a crap shoot. For a while it might give you the impression of getting stuff done and so forth but it could work out to be a lot worse then the initial problem. I wish I could say more.
Do you like your major in school? If you are not studying what you enjoy this can be a big motivation killer. You said that you live in the past or the future, never the present. You will always miss life if you are not in the present. You're probably trying to avoid life, though, but I could see how this could start a really bad cycle. 1) don't be in the present in life, 2) no life then, 3) no life, then don't be in the present. Over and over again. I think time is fascinating too, but I am always in the present because that is where life is. How can you have a short term memory if you are not in the present? Anxiety is exhausting. I think that you have conversations in your head with people to avoid living in the present. Maybe try to come out of your head and into the world. Well, good luck to you.
I can sure relate to just about everything you've said. I think that low-grade, chronic depression, along with constant anxiety, wears us down to the the point where we lose all interest, energy and motivation to do anything. I have done a ton of research about depression/anxiety and it seems the more I read, the less I know what to do about it. I'm worn out too. (sorry I'm no help)
I used to be really into computer science and engineering and know loads about computers, so I always have something to do if I sit here. Otherwise I can just read ****pedia or Erowid all day. However, I do know that I will not benefit from this. I find it entertaining and it's more like a substitute for television than anything else.
I love my major. At home I spend a lot of time reading about it. Either things related directly to it, or indirectly. However, I have just started college (I've been there before but I kept dropping out) and for the next year or two I will be taking many classes not related to my major (Gotta get the basics out of the way, useless classes that are overpriced, you know how it is in the US).
I didn't mean I was trying to avoid the present. I want to be in the present but I just can't. I'm too worried about nonsense. I have these day dreams of fame/fortune/power.. things that I know will never ever happen.
I have friends offline but when they ask me to go out with them I usually decline. I can't really say why, I'm just not motivated/interested in doing anything with them.
As for meds, I was thinking of taking an upper (meth, amphetamines, anything) medicinally, NOT recreationally! Under a doctor's supervision and by taking the right dose.
I just feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm young, btw.. very young. I should be out having fun and you know, all that. Instead I'm just sitting here yawning, reading things I'll likely never need to know and thinking to myself.
Last edited by joebloggs2; 09-18-2006 at 03:46 PM.
I don't know how you do it but you just did. You spoke what's on my mind. Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. So, at least we are not alone.
Feeling unmotivated can be really frustrating to me sometimes. Sometimes I wanted to do something and I know I have to but the mind just hold me back. At times, I feel reluctant to even drink a glass of water becoz I felt it's too tiring.
I have been in constant anxiety and worry about everything that is uncertain and insecure in my life. There are too much unnecessary worries sometimes they just worn you out. Sadly, I can't seem to find a way to get out of this pitfall because I am trapped within myself.
I tried to keep my mind doing something most of the time or else my mind will start drifted away and starts wandering about nothingness. I would then daydream about a place where no more hurts and struggling.
This is just a share of my feelings becoz I can't give you much advice for I have never been to doc even though this depression is with me for nearly 6 years. Everytime I relapse, I struggle to make it thru, it's like yo-yo, it goes up and down.
I am taking a semester off from my study too coz I simply just focus in my study. I need time off I guess.
Wow, thank you for making me realize i am not the only one with time and memory issues. My short-term memory is HORRIBLE, so much so that I've left the stove on and almost burnt the house down........ on 3 separate occasions. Very embarrassing, to say the least!
And I also know what it's like to stare off into space for a minute or two and see that an hour has escaped. It's scary, trying to keep up with life, when it keeps slipping through your fingers.
Wish I had some good advice.
Last edited by WanderingSoul; 09-22-2006 at 09:41 AM.
can i be part of your group? lol. i'm only saying that because like joe, even when things are relatively going "well," with family and friends, bills, etc, i think about the state of the world nowadays, about people and animals, and then that brings sadness and leads to thoughts about why would God let these things happen, etc., and there are very few people around me who are able to "illuminate" me so to speak; plus, when friends try to make plans (and this used to happen often), i generally made some sort of excuse not to go; then, like wonderingsoul, my short-term memory seems to get worse and worse with time (and i'm sure it's because of all these meds, or all the years of meds i've been on--about 10 so far); then, like depresso, i tell myself i'm blocking my own growth by thinking negatively and having that weak-person mentality, and i stop myself from doing things for whatever reason--i don't really know why. but i do know that i'm my own worst enemy, or, my thoughts are....; then, like oceandreams, despite years of therapy and meds, there is still this "low-grade, chronic depression", going on--this dysthymia that makes me slow to act in mundane things... and after a whole day at work (most of the time i stay late, and get home around 7 pm, sometimes later--since i can't get myself going in the am, even if i wake up at 6am) i get home sooo tired, that all i have time for is to eat something, watch something on tv or a rented movie and go to bed.
i wait for my days off, but then i don't know what the heck happens to them--they fly by and it makes me feel guilty for not having done the house chores, etc. of course, i do eventually end up doing something useful--i manage to clean my apt. at least, to change the kitty-litter, to do a load of laundry, and maybe pick up my mother from the nursing home where my dad lives, since she goes there everyday after work (he's paralyzed on the right side after having suffered a stroke six years ago, and is also being fed through a j-tube, through his stomach that is)....
work is good in that it keeps my thoughts busy--but i have always thanked God (and deep inside i do believe in God)--for having given some people the ability to discover the types of medications we need, so that we can at least manage our lives somehow....anyway. besides the outer obvious and perhaps natural and inevitable changes life brings when one gets older (i.e., ill parents, the ability to carry on a mortgage or to rent, to keep a roof over your head, take care of oneself and one's family, etc.), i'm also thinking, like some people my age do (i'll be 36 next month by the way), about marriage, having a child, building a foundation in my life for the future generation. however, this scares me very much, especially in light of the fact that i need to take these medications to function in day-to-day activities. pregnancy and meds don't go very well together...i know, i know, my primary told me she's had pregnant women who were on antidepressants who gave birth and things were fine, but i can't help it....
i have a significant other in my life, and we've been together just over a year now. he's very supportive, kind, polite, and generous. however, you guys know that sometimes, we have our periods of irritability and angst and anger and irrational hell that we go through. i'm not by any means a loud, shouting type of person, but i see that these things do interfere with our relationship, even though indirectly. and the thing is, i do not want to alienate him from me. i believe that because of my depression, i have had this happen twice in the past--that is, two other men have sort of "pulled out" of the ralationship before, and i think it was because they saw some aspects of me they didn't agree with, didn't like, etc.
then there's another aspect to this illness of mine. i know that once the days grow shorter, throughout fall and winter, my depression worsens. i just pray i'll be able to tap into that strength inside me and keep on going. i did it in the past. i know i can do it again. some days will be better, some will be worse, but they'll keep passing by. and i'll just ride out the darkness.
I feel so bad for you! I used to feel the same way myself all the time. I was widowed (which really was okay - I kept wishing I'd divorced him years earlier) and scared about being alone. I'd never lived alone before. Like you, I had short-term memory problems, was generally confused a lot. I think mostly I was lonely and didn't realize it. I've always enjoyed solitary pursuits, like reading & puzzle-solving & writing short stories to entertain myself. I never realized that interaction with others was necessary for good mental health! Somehow, co-workers just wasn't cutting it. I had no social life. I didn't date. All I could think of ws that there's AIDS out there! Latex condoms are the only protection, other than living like a nun, and I'm allergic to ALL kinds of rubber! The LAST place I wanted to get hives was...well, you know. Are you in any kind of psychological counseling? I found that to be a great help after I became suicidal. Then I met someone and fell in love. It's amazing how much serotonin that can make your brain manufacture! Especially when the one you love is just as in love with you. And I wasn't even looking for a man. (I had been celibate - that allergy thing? - for 6 1/2 years.) It just happened - I got lucky. And do find things to laugh at. It helps a lot. Group therapy is good too since it assures you you're not alone.
If Ritalin helped before, find a doctor & try it again. Know what you mean about religion. I'm always surprised, though, by people who get angry because I don't belong to their's. What's up with that? Religion is a personal quest, dontcha think? It's not like any of us have been dead, seen the supreme deity - whoever or whatever he, she or even it may be - and are qualified to say, "This is the One True Faith! I met God and He told me!" It's all conjecture, isn't it.
Maybe therapy would help. Hope you feel like laughing soon!