First of all--you are not a "coward" or a "loser"!! I know it's easy to feel that way when you're depressed, but depression has a way of lying to all of us--it only tells us everything that's "wrong" with us, never anything that's "good"! And lots of times, even the stuff we think is "wrong" with us is only in our minds, it's just the depression talking trash to us!
And you are so right--people who are lucky enough never to have been depressed honestly have no idea
what real depression is like--how hard it is to do anything when you're feeling so bad! So they say things like "Oh cheer up--what have you got to feel so bad about?" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "Keep busy and you'll be fine" or "You just have to think positive!" Frankly, when I hear people saying things like that to a depressed person, I want to strangle them!
(Well, not really, but it is extremely annoying!!)
People who haven't had depression don't understand that we can't just "snap out of it". That it isn't a matter of not having enough will-power, or of not being "tough enough" or whatever. Depression is an illness like any other. I mean, if you caught pneumonia, would your friends tell you to "snap out of it"?? I doubt it! They'd probably tell you that you need to see a doctor and get some meds to make you well. And exactly the same thing is true of depression!
And about the promiscuity thing--remember that we all make mistakes, I'm sure every one of us has done things we're not very proud over. That doesn't make us "bad" people, it just makes us human!
And yes, I think that when we're depressed we're a lot more vulnerable--we do tend to feel lonely and it's only natural to crave warmth and affection. So please don't be too hard on yourself with the "guilt" thing, okay? (And remember too that depression just feeds on guilt--sometimes depression has had me feeling guilty over things I've never even done
I'm not too sure what to tell you about the girl you got involved with. Maybe she's as unsure as you are about what to do next. Maybe you were both expecting it to be "only" a one-night stand but instead you began feeling something for each other. That can be very confusing! It sounds like both of you are trying to sort out just how you feel about what happened, and about each other. And while I think it's a good thing that you explained to her what was going on with you, she still may be feeling a little hurt that you were avoiding her at first. (And I'm not saying that you should feel bad about that, you were caught off guard by her wanting something more than a one-nighter and you were fighting depression on top of that--no wonder you didn't know how to react! I wouldn't have either!)
Maybe some of the guys on here can give you better advice--as a female I'm kind of coming at it from another angle, if you know what I mean! But I would guess that she is still a little confused over her own feelings. It's also possible that she's feeling like she got a little "pushy" and scared you away, so she may be sort of embarrassed to talk to you right now.
So I don't know, maybe she just needs some time to work out how she feels. And it also could be (just a guess here really) that she decided you told her about the depression just to spare her feelings--I mean, she might have thought you kind of made up something just to make her feel better.
I would just give it some time. Let her sort thru her feelings and decide what she wants to do--I figure the ball is kind of in her court now, right?
And meanwhile--you need to get some help with that depression! Do you have a therapist or doctor you can talk to? Are you taking any meds for your depression? (They can help a lot, you know!
Therapy and/or meds are a healthier way of dealing with depression than the choices a lot of us tend to make--like drinking too much, or taking pills (the wrong kind I mean!
) or looking for one-night stands. The drinks and drugs and sex only give us a "temporary" high, and they can have serious health consequences, as I'm sure you know. What depressed people really
need is to get rid of the depression for good--and that generally means therapy, and sometimes the right kind of meds.
Take care of yourself, okay? You sound like a really nice and thoughtful person--it's kind of you not to want to hurt Jen's feelings, a lot of guys wouldn't be that caring!
Keep on posting and let us know how you're doing, all right?