| | Abuse and depression
background- I've been in therapy for depression since I was 14. My parents didnt have time for me when I was born so I spent the weeks with my grandma and my weekends w/ my parents. My parents are verbally abusive and extremelly controlling. to the point where i was told who I was allowed to talk to, what job I am supposed to have, what to wear, etc. I've never had any real friends as my parents are extremely pregidous against all groups of people. I got kicked out right after my parents found out the man i had been seeing was latino. I lived with someone i knew from school. I then moved back in with my grandma. and my boyfriend basically lived with us, as he never slept at home.
When I had just heard that my grandma had passed away (after a few weeks in the hospital) and I woke him up to tell him. I was crying and wanted to be alone. I got him in the car, and when I told him I wanted to be alone he flipped out. He poored his can of moutain dew on me and grabbed the wheel of my car. he almost caused me to wreck the car. he slammed me against the window and held me down screaming at me that I wasnt going to make him go home. i started sobbing hysterically and then he pushed my head the whole way back and covered my mouth telling me to shut up. I thought then that he was going to break my neck. when he finally let me go, I screamed and screamed until he got out. I had to be given tranquilizers before I stopped screaming and crying.
normally he doesn't physically hurt me. Its only been a couple of times that hes laid hands on me like that. I've never had any marks though. normally its him being verbally abusive and controlling - just things like telling me not to wear that shirt b/c guys would look at me, or what to watch on tv, or that i was crazy and no one would want me but him, name calling and stuff. that i deserved it. b/c since I have depression, i'm crazy.
but its like no matter what he does i still love him. i still cant function alone. I broke up with him about 5 days ago (for the #th time) b/c of his actions towards me. I realize that he doesnt love me. he was raised by his dad to believe that women are insubordinate to men and bad. he is almost worshipful of his best friend andy, who has confessed when drunk that he likes him & wants him. he always drops everything when andy wants him to come over or hang out, even at my expense. i've had to walk several miles home in 100 degree weather, b/c we were out somewhere when andy summoned him. and he left me. he always ditches me for andy, he'll say to stay here, and he'll be right over, but if andy calls, he never comes for me. i wait for hours. and yet he wont let me talk to anyone else. especially guys. or girls sometimes. i'm supposed to stay home and wait for him to want me. I think that he loves andy, only he wont admit it. i dont think theyd ever do anything gay, but that he loves him.
anyhow i dont know what to do by myself. i dont know how to be alone. i dont have any interests - in anything. i dont want to be like everyone else either. i hate every aspect of my life. the only thing that made me want to get up the next day was that he might want me. and hes been out partying w/ andy every night since i left him- and not coming home. I've been just laying on the floor crying and i dont know what to do. i hate everything and i dont have anything. i dont want to be alone. i dont have anything to look forward to anymore in this life.
my therapist says i have depression and am somehow addicted to being abused. that i dont think enough of myself to do anything else.
she doesnt understand how im feeling now. i havent gone in awhile bc i didnt feel that i had the energy to get in my car and go. i need to talk though. i dont want to be alive. i dont have anything left.