Frustrated with being depressed
Bear with me with my rant, because with new medication I can't seem to organize my thoughts. I have been suffering from depression since I was 14 years old. In my family depression doesn't exist. It just a politically correct phrase to describe feeling blue. During my high school years I just had to" snap out of it". Something I have struggled with until the past months.My mom just preceived me as being lazy and contrary. I used to stay up all night. I couldn't sleep at night. My mom thought I was doing it on purpose and told me just to go to sleep at a decent time. Again and again i would try to adapt to a normal sleep pattern but it would only last for a week or two. She thought I was doing it on purpose even after I tried to explain many tme that I couldn't help it.
It started to get worse as I started to enter the working field. I have only been able to keep two jobs long term and that was just for a year a piece. My senior year I just had a break down. I was working a part time job, was a full time high school student, and I was taking college nursing courses. I just remeber being constantly tired. I couldn't sleep at night and four months ran on nothing but caffiene because I was so sleep deprived. Come Christmas break I couldn't handle any of it anymore. I dropped out of school, college courses, and quit my job. I didn't go anywhere or do anything. I just stayed in bed for about 7 months watching t.v. I couldn't manage to do anything. The thing that still hurts me about everything is that my mom didn't do anything. She didn't object or try to keep me from doing that. If anything she wouldn't let go find another job because the nearest town was 10 miles away and she didn't want me to drive her car or "waste the gas". So I stayed depressed for 7 months.
At that time I had the tables completely turned on me. My mom broke her ankle, had to have surgery, and had to stay off of it for 4 months. We couldn't get any kind of government assistence because there was a legal adult in house-me. So the day after I had start working her job at a gas station. So once again I was running on no sleep to try to make ends meet. I had to deal with way too much as an 18 year old with severe depression. She was too proud to accept any help from the family. She completely had to depend upon me. I had to work a full time job, pay all her bills and had nothing to show for myself( I only got about 20 dollars out of my check because and "extra" money that I could have had went to her credit card payments) I had the stress of having to care for another person when I needed care myself, and I was exhausted. My depression has always physically drained me.
Well she got better then after I didn't have to work anymore I was back to the same state that I was before. I spent 6 more months living the way I had before. And once again I was just let be. It was easier for my mom to deal with then to pay any attention to me.
Fast forward to college- I got my GED and apply for an easy college which I got into. My mom basically dropped my off in Araknsas with just some clothers(what fit in the car) and hasn't seen me since. I have had to completely live on my own ever since. I can barely make it too. Everytime I get a job I can't keep them long. I keep them for about a month or two. Because I have all the obligation of being a full term student and working to survive. I just get so physically exhausted from it. Since being in college (1 year and 3 months) I have had 8 jobs. Not one of them has lasted longer then 2 months. I didn't use to be like this. I use to keep a job a lot longer. I feel helpless. Whats worst is nobody around me understands. My S/O gets mad at me for quiting jobs when time again I have told him that I don't like that I do that and I don't even know why I quite them. Just something in my head tells me "hey, you don't really need this job. You know you would be happier if you just quit. This isn't the job for you. You can easily find a new one". Its like an impulse that I can't control. Every job that I have had this past year I have actaully liked. Then I can't phycially do them I all I want to do is rest.
Then my mom and everybody gets mad at me when I do bad in school. I start of each semester doing good. I am able to get my homework done and do well, then I start getting tired. I can concentrate very well and I start to miss classes. My S/O doesn't understand that either he thinks I am just being lazy and procrastinanting (my parents think this as well) That I just put off doing my homework and I don't take my classes seriously. But once again there is an impulse I can't seem to control that tells me right before class "You don't really need to go to class, missing today won't matter. Its just one day. Besides you have read the chapter, you already know what the professor is going to be talking about". Then one day quickly turns into missing weeks of classes.
I have started to see one of the school therapist and I have tried to explain this to her and she doesn't even get it./ I have told her my whole past of me dealing with depression and I know she doesn't get it. She looks at me and say "I don't really understand why your here" Its so frustrating to deal with everybody. GRRRRRRRRRR!! It feels like there is nobody there for me. Everybody in my family expects me to succeed but won't do anything to help me. I have always had to help myself. They won't even help me out financially. It seems the only thing that helps me through these days is knowing that I am on the medication and I can get better. And the thought that in the end, with only myself to depend on, that it will make me stronger and better off.
Last edited by Calamity3039; 11-23-2006 at 04:05 AM.