i had such a ****** week again. went to see my doc again. i feel soooooo bad. she said it needs to be a joint effort and that they cant do all the work-but she wasnt mean, it was in a nice way. i told her im trying so hard, i really am, i can understand how to her it seems like im sitting on my *** not bothered just waiting for the pills to kick in-but im so tired of trying every damn day.
its cos i keep self harming, i try to stop, but it only lasts 3 days or so and then i completley blow off big time. ive accepted the cutting, infact yesterday i bought a super super sharp scalpel, i found it strangley exiting, you know when your a kid and you cant wait to get home and play with your new toy-that kind of exitment. my doc says i need to distract myself, i try, i do all sorts of pointless things to distract myself from just sitting there all day! but im always so agitated inside or something, everything i go to do screams cutting and blood, i dream about it, i cant escape it, and when ive been depressed for yrs nothing ever works-i think, well why shouldnt i just cut cos it wont actually matter, while im depressed i may as well do the thing that makes me feel better. its really quite simple.also, i cant distract myself every second of the day-its all so exhuasting.
then now im being reffered for more counselling on top of the other stuff. im terrified of all this. she asked again if there was anything else that is underlying all of this-im such a **** liar! i realy wanted to tell her, but i cant, i physically cannot. i am going to write it down next time. well thats my account of this week, what do you guys think i should do?? how can i tell her about the stuff? thanks xox
what you can do is -- you said it. write it all down. make a little history for her. write everything that you can remember since you were little, and how you feel inside, the rage, the anxiety, the agitation, the sadness that doesn't go away. write about your past. you don't even have to say anything at your next appt. just say, you gave things some thought and put some stuff down on paper, because it's more comfortable for you that way. let her read it. and please, please do not be afraid. it's for your own good!! but, i'm glad you're still going to see her, and i'm glad you're still standing up, so to speak. i'm really concerned about your buying that stupid scalpel, though. please please try not to use it too much. i don't know what i'm saying, maybe i'm an idiot trying to tell you something, when you think i don't even know you, and maybe saying "who the hell does she think she is"....but i don't know why i feel like i have to write you...because i want to see you have a better quality of life, to feel better. because i felt like hell at one time, and i know there's a way to feel better, no matter what. and it doesn't take a scalpel to do that, pucca. i dont' know what else to say to you today. i have to go to work now....haven't been feeling good myself lately, and will have to drag my butt in there--i start late today...
many hugs from over seas!!!
then now im being reffered for more counselling on top of the other stuff. im terrified of all this.
Pucca, you are not cutting everyday so this is an improvement! Getting referred for more counseling is a very good thing. This will be your way out of this nightmare. You sound like you had a better appt. with the doc this time.
hey guys. well i wrote my letter and am handing it to her office tomorrow-im crapping myself. i put everything down, i tried to write it without thinking about her as much and what she'd say, i wrote it like i was admitting it to myself-so there are no lies. if she gets this letter it will mean there is one person in the whole world that will know everything, i will not be hiding everything-i cant beleive im about to hand my darkest secrets over to a woman i met 3 months ago. but hopefully itll move me forward.
just a question, i have wrote about the molestation, how it effects me, bullying, eating issues and all the forms of self harm ive ever done. some is a bit shocking, its quite a lot to just throw at her, it really shows im not as fine as i would appear. i only realised myself when id listsed it all down. do you think she might then refer my to a psychiatrist?? im worried cos i think she may be inclined to think that i need more help-like i need a psychiatrist for some of the stuff?? what do you guys think?? xox
Pucca i think the thing is you do need more help. Yes she might refer you to a psychiatrist, but don't be afraid, it could really help you. Pills alone won't solve your problems, you need to resolve these issues that you've carried around for so long. a therapist or a councler could be really beneficial for you.