well, thought i was doing pretty good. prozac is great. feeling in control of myself. i guess i'm just having some down time. does it ever stop sorry i need to write some words now. usually i try to post some encouraging words but now i have to write and hope to get some encouraging words back.
i volunteered for an event tomorrow with my church. i was hoping to help out today with some gifts but they never called me back. makes me feel like no one wants me around. i know thats' probably not the case but that is how i feel about it. i dont' know. they have a ton of help tomorrow so they probably don't need me anyways. i'll show up for my time then leave i guess. i just feel right now everyone would be better off without me here. i'm just trying to do my best and it doesnt seem to be good enough. nothing i do seems to be good enough. ***SIGH*** oh, well. i guess thats life. thanks for reading
hi. thanks for taking the time to reply today went well. i was only there for a couple hours. so many kids, families. it was fun for everyone. a couple people talked to me from church when I went up to them but that was it. i helped with an obstacle course. those big inflatable things. kids loved it. i just had to keep them from getting off the wrong way. if it wasn't for the other volunteer i would of had no one to talk with as everyone was talking to them. basically ignoring me. i dont' care to help anymore. i'm glad i helped and did my part but also glad its over.
i've been on prozac since sept sometime. so going on like 3 months. its working. i'm not a crying idiot cutting myself like i was. still get down but not as bad. i just get lonely all the time. i feel even more lonely in a crowd then by myself. i've been on the go all week. tomorrow i just want to stay home and just be home.
Mokie, I am sorry that you didn't feel that well with your volunteer work. I remember going to places where no one talked to me but I tried to not let it bother me. I actually usually just get involved in what I am doing (my volunteer job) and usually don't even talk to anyone because I want to focus on what I am doing. One time I volunteered at my daughter's elementary school for their Santa Shop (the children buy inexpensive presents for family members at the school). I was there with maybe 5 other people. Someone had asked for too many volunteers because there wasn't enough for all of us to do. Not one of these other women would talk to me. I have no idea why. I have gone out to do other things, parties, etc. and had no trouble talking to people. I wasn't happy that I had to stay there for a few hours with no one to talk to but I did not let it upset me. People don't talk to others sometimes for many reasons. Sometimes they are shy themselves, they might not feel good, they might be upset, they might be focusing on what they are doing, they might be deep in thought about something, they might be tired. I'll bet that it has nothing to do with you. I hope that you give volunteering another try, please do.
Sannah...thanks for your kind words and exp with volunteering. i was concentrating on my area as well. maybe i come off as not wanting anyone to come up to me. i dont' know. its been bothering me ever since. i've been trying not to cry about it today. seems like such a stupid thing to get upset over. ***sigh*** i dont' have plans for anything right now. if something comes up to volunteer for i'll have to think about it.
i just wish i had someone to just pour my heart, mind to in person. i try to talk to people but its so hard. i dont have many close friends and when someone askes how i am i just say...."okay" . why would they want to hear about my problems anyway. i should of had theraphy last week but i couldn't go. i see her next week. i guess i can wait to lay it on her for 45 minutes. thats not a long time at all when you have a life time of feeling useless inside.
Hey Mokie, maybe if you volunteered in an environment where there were fewer other volunteers around (so that it was just you and the grateful folks that you are helping)? Do you like to interact with children? Children love adult attention and they will be all around you without hesitation! (Sounds like the children were more interested in the ride that you were helping with than any adults that might be around!) How about volunteering at a nursing home? I was thinking about you volunteering so that you could help others and feel more needed. You might find a better fit somewhere other than your church (people at your church probably aren't in high need of help like some other people who have a lot of needs). Does your local newspaper print volunteer opportunities?
Yeh, the average person that you run into everyday does not want to hear about deep personal issues. Before I was able to sort out all of my issues I made the mistake of saying too much to certain people and it freaks people out.
Mokie, you sound very sweet and I am so sorry that you are feeling lonely.