In 1990 I was with my friend when she got knocked down and killed. This really messed me up completely. For a long time, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my friend being knocked down, it got so I didnt want to go to sleep because thats all I could see. So I stayed up for as long as I could usually till about 3 or 4 in the morning, then wake up around 8 in the morning. I couldnt get it out of my head that it should have been me that got killed and not my friend. She had everything going for her and I've done nothing with my life so why did she have to die and not me. I remember times when I would stand at the roadside waiting for a car to come but I never had the nerve to step in front of it. In 2004 on Christmas Eve my Grandfather died and 8 months later my niece killed herself. These were probably the only 2 people in the world who I ever felt close to and their deaths pushed me over the edge and I finally found the courage to see my doctor. She put me on Fluoxetine (40mg a day), its taken a long time but I do feel that I am coming out of this dark tunnel now but I still feel so down all the time. I can function (just), but can't seem to get out of these depressive thoughts. I've been like this for 16 yrs and not sure how much longer I can go on for. I still can't sleep, still up till 4 in the morning and awake between 8 and 10. Can't hold a job down, so tired, can't keep awake, my family dont know what to say to me anymore. They have been so patient with me but they just dont know what to do anymore. I wish I could sleep. Christmas is coming and I know I shall spoil it for everyone, like I usually do. I love Christmas but I just can't seem to let go and enjoy myself, its like if I enjoy myself something bad will happen, crazy I know. Sorry if this is all confusing, I really can't think straight, thanks for listening.