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Old 12-02-2006, 05:56 PM   #1
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julie6672 HB User
my story

In 1990 I was with my friend when she got knocked down and killed. This really messed me up completely. For a long time, every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my friend being knocked down, it got so I didnt want to go to sleep because thats all I could see. So I stayed up for as long as I could usually till about 3 or 4 in the morning, then wake up around 8 in the morning. I couldnt get it out of my head that it should have been me that got killed and not my friend. She had everything going for her and I've done nothing with my life so why did she have to die and not me. I remember times when I would stand at the roadside waiting for a car to come but I never had the nerve to step in front of it. In 2004 on Christmas Eve my Grandfather died and 8 months later my niece killed herself. These were probably the only 2 people in the world who I ever felt close to and their deaths pushed me over the edge and I finally found the courage to see my doctor. She put me on Fluoxetine (40mg a day), its taken a long time but I do feel that I am coming out of this dark tunnel now but I still feel so down all the time. I can function (just), but can't seem to get out of these depressive thoughts. I've been like this for 16 yrs and not sure how much longer I can go on for. I still can't sleep, still up till 4 in the morning and awake between 8 and 10. Can't hold a job down, so tired, can't keep awake, my family dont know what to say to me anymore. They have been so patient with me but they just dont know what to do anymore. I wish I could sleep. Christmas is coming and I know I shall spoil it for everyone, like I usually do. I love Christmas but I just can't seem to let go and enjoy myself, its like if I enjoy myself something bad will happen, crazy I know. Sorry if this is all confusing, I really can't think straight, thanks for listening.

 
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Old 12-02-2006, 08:11 PM   #2
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Location: ontario
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: my story

I don't think the med you are taking is doing its job or possibly a change is in order. Death effects everyone differently and also the day we deal with it. I had a client who was torn over the fact her best friend called her practically begging her to go out with her. My client didn't feel very good so she stayed and told her friend so. Her friend was killed half an hour after hanging up the phone in a tragic car accident. Now my client carried this with her for along time so I had her write a letter to her friend saying everything she wanted to say to her friend and once she was done with the letter she tore the letter to pieces. It did not "cure" her but it did help to get all of those buried feelings out. You have carried your friends death for along time maybe its time for a rest and to put those feelings away.

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 12-03-2006, 07:22 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: my story

Hi Julie, I think that you need to discuss your feelings in counseling.

 
Old 12-03-2006, 05:19 PM   #4
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julie6672 HB User
Re: my story

I have discussed the possibility of counselling with my doctor but, unfortunately, in the area where I live there is a waiting list of between 6 to 12 months, which really isn't very helpful. I do manage to get through the days, and the fluoxetine has helped but I wonder if this is as good as its going to get for me.

 
Old 12-04-2006, 11:13 AM   #5
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: my story

Julie, I would get on the wait list ASAP then so that your turn will come up.

Last edited by Sannah; 12-04-2006 at 11:14 AM.

 
Old 12-04-2006, 11:59 AM   #6
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whackedback HB Userwhackedback HB Userwhackedback HB User
Re: my story

Quote:
Originally Posted by julie6672
I have discussed the possibility of counselling with my doctor but, unfortunately, in the area where I live there is a waiting list of between 6 to 12 months, which really isn't very helpful. I do manage to get through the days, and the fluoxetine has helped but I wonder if this is as good as its going to get for me.
Julie- Getting to a therapist might be that long, but what about getting up with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker? I've used one to help me through my parents' deaths, and it did the trick.

wb

 
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