oh my gosh! you sound so much like me. i am a christian also. 43 years old. i'm dealing with major depression too. its a fight for life. literally. i have been suicidal but not so much now. i'm on prozac that is helping me deal with other issues better. i tried to avoid meds at all cost. i was in counseling but it just wasn't enough anymore. i was doing self injury and HAD to go on meds. so i know part of my depression is chemical and also genitics. runs in my family.
i get nervous and anxious. right now i dont' really want to deal with people. i want to withdrawl. depression is a monster. i take ambian cr to sleep some nights other wise i get maybe 4-5 hours. but i dont' like to take it all the time.
i dread christmas coming. dont' like the holidays anymore. both my parents died around the holidays. not at the same time. then i lost my old beloved cat of 22 years that sent me into a major depression. its been over a year now but apparently according to my professional counselor i've been depressed all my life and never knew it.
i feel like a total failure to myself and to God. admiting i can't deal with this depression anymore. i cant'. I remember His word says He will not let us endure anything we can't handle but still I have to wonder sometimes.
well, i've accepted that i have a illness. depression is an illness and we need help. as much as we dont' want to admit it even christians need help. we are only human. you gotta give your med more time. i did't believe it when they said it takes up to 8 weeks for a med to work. i know that for a fact now. i've been on prozac for about 3 months now and its fully working. i get down still but not like i was. being suicidal is the worse and i'm not there right now like i was. also i wonder if your hormones are going nuts. i had to have a hysterectomy so never went through perimenopause. i hope you feel better...