okay so ive decided-however empty my little life seems right now-my head doesnt feel like it. so ive come to the conclusion that i have to get rid of some stress factors-as my doc advised. its going to take balls to do some of it thought and no doubt there is arguements ahead.
i have a choice- im failing UNI right now big style, im cutting again(sorry), im having suicidal day dreams, i feel trapped and absolutley out of all hope, im not bothering much with freinds, christmas just spells extra depressing work for me right now, and i absolutley despise my FIRST job, and only job ive ever had, it makes me cut alot, i hate the place and the bosses, its so inflexable, the rota changes all the time and with my moods i cannot be ready for things like that, i dont have freinds in the place, i just dont fit it and im so nervous when im working i feel like crap all the time im there. and ive just worte that god damn letter to my doc which will probably mean and bus load of stress that i have to confront eg-abuse and stuff.
so, i think, as of this saturday-i may hand in my notice. i cant help but feel so weak. my parents will be so angry and i cant even tell them its cos of my health. i just feel im fighting on the losing side here, im literally falling apart peice by peice. something has got to go and i need to get myself organised-i really cannot keep going like this, as my doc said'do i want to be self harming all my life?', this depression alone has already consumed more than 4 yrs of my life, ive missed out on alot, the abuse has virtually numbed me to intimacy with anyone really and i spend my days in a vegetative state between cutting and just doing stuopid pointless tasks-unless im distracted by someone, but i cant be ditracted 24/7.
this is my first job, im 18 and i should have had one before-but its always the same problenm-i cant juggle so many things, im having to chose between important things, everyone will think im just lazy-i think im going to have to just charge throught everyone coming my way and ignore all the comments-which is so much easier said than done. ive only maintained the job for 3 months-but UNI is really going down hill and my exams are coming up.i cannot afford to blow it.
so what do you guys think, i see my doc on friday, im going to say to her about it, i think shell be pleased as it was what she wanted me to do. please help, i feel im going it alone...........again