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Old 12-10-2006, 04:37 PM   #1
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mitch911 HB User
need help

hi, im new on here, im 26 and was just married in august, i have been depressed for awhile now, i just switched from celexa to effexor xr this week, anyway my problem is i dont think im in love with my wife anymore and i dont know what to do. recently i found out that a girl that i really liked for a long time really liked me too for that same time, since i knew her, 2 years, i have been talking to her lately and think that i want to be with her but i dont know how to tell my wife now, also at the beginning of the summer i was kinda having feelings like i was making a mistake but went through with it anyway. i feel so sick when im not talking to her or with her, i am like really depressed and dont know what to do, im hoping maybe someone was in a situation like this or someone can help me please, thank you

 
Old 12-10-2006, 04:59 PM   #2
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johnrf HB User
Re: need help

everything i have read says do not make huge decisions while depressed. I know while I was deeply depressed I found it hard to find the "love" i felt for my wife, but as i've come out of it my feelings have returned.

 
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Old 12-10-2006, 05:21 PM   #3
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Re: need help

thanks for replying, but i dont like im in love with my wife, this other girl i have really strong feelings for, like i am falling in love with her

 
Old 12-10-2006, 05:31 PM   #4
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oceandreams HB User
Re: need help

Were you depressed before you married, or did it start after? I think you should talk with a counselor or therapist to help work out what your true feelings are for your wife and the other girl. Maybe you really are in love with the other girl, but it could be that depression is making you unsure and confused. I wouldn't make any decisions just yet until you know for certain what you really want. Take some time to sort things out.

 
Old 12-10-2006, 05:37 PM   #5
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johnrf HB User
Re: need help

Has your depression been diagnosed? Are you seeing any counselors or taking medication?

 
Old 12-10-2006, 05:54 PM   #6
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Re: need help

i was depressed before i got married never really sure why though just came and go, sometimes worse than others, im taking effexor xr, 75mg/day i just started this week, i was on celexa, 40mg/day, and also buspar 15mg/day, im suppose to go see a psychcologist or whatever im not sure what they are called in jan. i am just really down now cuz i like this other girl alot and she has feelings for me too and we just found out after knowing each other for about 2 years, i just dont know what to do
thanks for help

 
Old 12-10-2006, 06:18 PM   #7
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Re: need help

Depression impares your judgement, medication blurs your thought process. I did not realize all of the bad decisions I made til my wife left. There must be a reason why you married your wife and a marriage should be fought for tooth and nail before it is let go.

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Old 12-10-2006, 09:08 PM   #8
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msbibe HB User
Re: need help

Hm. Don't think just because a person is married they are never attracted to someone other than their spouse again. It's a DECISION on their part to honor their vows or to do something else. When you are depressed, like pp have mentioned, decision-making capacity is not what it is normally. Whichever way you go, hooking up with this girl while you are depressed isn't going to show you in your best light. Not to her, and not to your wife. As everyone mentioned....counseling for you, maybe you and your wife after you start to feel more like yourself. And it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell the girl that you aren't in the best shape right now, and that when and if you figure things out you will contact her.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 12:09 AM   #9
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Barry876 HB User
Re: need help

mitch911, does this other girl know your married or she thinks your single?
What happened to you happens all the time.
It happened to Steven Spielberg.
He was married to Amy Irving.
Then he did Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in 1984 and felll in love with Kate Capshaw.
Spielberg and Irving got a divorce and Spielberg married Capshaw.
If you think you love this other girl.
My advice is, you either have to tell your wife or tell this other girl your situation.
Ask the girl what you should do?

 
Old 12-11-2006, 03:14 AM   #10
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jimmyhonda HB User
Re: need help

I got some questions that i like to ask you.

firstly, u said that u got married in august. This year I suppose? How long did you date your wife before suggesting to her to get marry?

In my point of view - it's really cruel to end a relationship like that. Marriage is not a game - it's a commitment that the husband and the wife make together. That's why most people would spend 4-8 years of getting to know each other before getting marry.

i had a friend who dated this boy since high school. After 8 years together, her boyfriend decided to go back overseas because he was an overseas student. When that guy got back to his own country he told my friend that the relationship was "over". My friend was very heart-broken. she even bought a plane ticket to see her ex-boyfriend to ask him "why" he wants to end the relationship. The morale to this story is, women tend to get "hurt" because they devoted their "youth" to a guy.

when u say u "love" this girl are u attracted to her "beauty" or her soul? Because i can tell u that "beauty" does not last forever. everyone of us will get old eventually. we would have wrinkles in our face. Deep down it's the wife not the mistress that will be by our side when we get sick or crippled with arthritis.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 03:16 AM   #11
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Calamity3039 HB User
Re: need help

Honetly, wether you are in love with you wife or not you shouldn't get involved with this woman. You may truely be in love with her, but you not at you best right now. If you and your wife aren't currently working out right now, well then thats how it is. Maybe you need to be seperated for awhile until you are better and your life is on track. But I don't think you should persue a new interest until you are better. You may just need time to yourself. If I were in this situation I would take some time to myself until I was better, then try to work on my marriage. If after I am better and the marriage isn't working, then I would end it. But since you are depressed right now, I wouldn't make rash decisions. Now is not the time for you to be making big life decisions. Wait until you are in a better frame of mind.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 03:07 PM   #12
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Re: need help

thanks for all the responses and help, to answer someones question, we were together for 3 years, it would be 4 this march, its just so tough cuz i feel like i dont know if im still in love with my wife anymore, i know i love her and care about her but it just feels different, i dont want to hurt her either thats what makes it so tough, the feelings i have for the other girl are like really strong, like there is some kind of connection there that i never felt before

 
Old 12-11-2006, 03:20 PM   #13
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msbibe HB User
Re: need help

That's where the choice thing comes in. It's up to you to decide to stay with your wife and cut off contact with the other girl or to do something else. Staying IN your marriage and seeing the other girl at the same time though? That's not fair to any of you, and it's not representative of what you would get with the other girl if you did leave your wife. I forget the stats on relationships that started when one person was married, then divorced, then picked up with the "other person", but it's way more often than not that the relationship breaks up. There's also a relationship board here--maybe they have more insight.

Still though, take care of you, so that you are thinking clearly again. Are you going to see a medication doc in January, or a talk-to-kinda-person? Give yourself a break until after the holidays and your appointment. Doing un-thought through things when depressed will just bite you on the butt.

 
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