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Old 12-10-2006, 09:57 PM   #1
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I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

First off I'm a young guy. Gonna be turning 23 soon.

About two years ago I fell in love with a girl. She was my first love and I did EVERYTHING to make her like me. I was depressed before she came along, but after falling for her I felt like she was the motivation I've always needed.

To impress her and make her want me, I got a job, started going to school (I had graduated from HS but was not attending college), stopped my illicit drug use completely, started working out, blah blah you know how it is.

I did everything I could for her.. from all my heart.. and she still wasn't interested in me. I assumed it was because of my looks. My self esteem was very low at the time.

Anyway, this continued, but I started taking Zoloft. The Zoloft made me feel like I had to move on with life.. I don't know if it was that, because there was a lot of stuff happening in my life at the time. Long story short, VERY impulsively, I ended up getting married to somebody else.

It was a girl I barely knew.. she was beautiful, smart, kind and an overall great wife, and I thought I did the right thing because I didn't know how else to move on.

As soon as I got married, I realized that my first love.. was actually in love with me. The marriage had broken her heart, and that in turn broke mine. I couldn't stop thinking about her and that put my marriage in shambles.

I haven't even been married for a year and I already plan on getting a divorce. The girl I loved prior to my marriage (I feel ashamed admitting it, but I still can't get over her) is still around, but she hates me because she says I betrayed her by marrying somebody else.

Now that I think about it, all the clues that she liked me were right in front of me.

Getting a divorce is going to tear apart my family, my wife's family and my wife. I care about her a lot, but because I have somebody else in my heart, plus I realized that I'm too young to be married, I feel like getting divorced would be the best thing in the long run.

My self esteem is good now. I am a pretty good looking guy, I'm healthy and I'm pretty knowledgeable about things (dork).

I have a job now and I am attending school.


So why am I so depressed? I am not taking any medication. I stopped taking Zoloft because the side effects were destroying my body. I tried a few other anti-depressants with similar results.

I will start meditating, and will probably restrict my illicit drug use to just marijuana and I'll occasionally dabble in a hallucinogen or two.

How the hell do you get over somebody? I love this girl.. the fact that we can't be together is really killing my motivation.

Is this a phase? I know almost everyone goes through a heartbreak and it's all a part of life.. but it's very painful.

I know my problem sounds miniscule, but without lying to make me feel better, please tell me what I need to do to move on. ANY advice is greatly appreciated.

Edit: made this post a little shorter..

Last edited by joebloggs2; 12-10-2006 at 10:14 PM.

 
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:34 AM   #2
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

This girl does not seem to be the kind of person you should want to be with if she messed you around like that. If she kept rejecting you, and as soon as you got married confessed her feelings, it sounds like she may have been jealous that you seemed to be over her.

Maybe going to councleing will help you understand how you can get over her, but in time, and if you finish any unfished buisness with her, you will get over her, but it seems like she messed with your heart alot, and that really wasn't fair on you.

Take care.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 03:30 PM   #3
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

I agree with zoe....she really messed around with your heart, and it sounds like yours is a sensitive one. so it seems like she doesnt deserve you. to get over it, if you do in fact love your wife, put all the energy you would be thinking about the other girl into your wife. and if you havent already, stop talking to the other girl....the big thing....if you get divorced, DO NOT do it for that girl. chances are if you do, she will reject you again....sounds like she only wants what she cant have.....

 
Old 12-12-2006, 10:10 AM   #4
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

Thank you for your replies.

Yes I am pretty sensitive. I don't know about the girl playing with my heart. She might have a little, but it wasn't on purpose. She told me she's sorry if she ever hurt me.. and that she didn't mean it. This has broken her heart and changed her a lot. She's very open now but she barely talks to any guy for fear of hurting them or getting hurt.

Also, looking back at it, there were many clues that she liked me.. but I was so into her that I overlooked them.

I can't help but blame myself, because I know for a fact that had I not been married I'd be with her now.. this is what hurts me the most.

Another thing that hurts is I know if I get divorced she won't want me back anyway.. if anything, because she's religious and her parents wouldn't want somebody like me. A guy, not only divorced but who couldn't hold a marriage for a year.

She liked me.. she had told her parents about me and etc.. but anyway, now I feel like it's not fair to my wife that I have this girl in my heart, and I married my wife on a very impulsive decision, so thinking about it in the long run, I don't know if it'll work out with her.

I don't want to stay with her knowing these things deep down, because she really loves me and I think she deserves somebody who loves her back equally, if not more.

So if I get divorced I'll be alone.. lonely.. my worst fear. I have no motivation to get up in the morning or do anything.

The worst part is that it was a mistake I did and I can't turn back time.. the only person I have to blame for how I feel now is myself.. nothing hurts me more than this.

Please help me.. any advice/stories/personal experiences/hope would be appreciated.

Last edited by joebloggs2; 12-12-2006 at 10:13 AM.

 
Old 12-12-2006, 11:32 AM   #5
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

Seems to me you tried too hard to get this girl..You shouldn't have to change everything to try to impress someone..Time heals all wounds, it will take time but you'll be stronger in the long run..I had a relationship with someone for 2 years and made my mind up that it was over and the pain just disappeared as quickly as it came on.. You're mind is so powerful..I would stick with your marriage because if you get divorced for her, I guarantee that she'll be the same and won't want to be with you..She played you like a fiddle and liked the attention, and now she's heartbroken?? Give me a break..I'm 36, been down that road..Yes, people want what they can't have, and once she realized she can have you, it's a no win situation..Save yourself a lot of pain and stick with your wife, she loves you for who you are!!!

 
Old 12-12-2006, 11:33 AM   #6
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

Seems to me you tried too hard to get this girl..You shouldn't have to change everything to try to impress someone..Time heals all wounds, it will take time but you'll be stronger in the long run..I had a relationship with someone for 2 years and made my mind up that it was over and the pain just disappeared as quickly as it came on.. You're mind is so powerful..I would stick with your marriage because if you get divorced for her, I guarantee that she'll be the same and won't want to be with you..She played you like a fiddle and liked the attention, and now she's heartbroken?? Give me a break..I'm 36, been down that road..Yes, people want what they can't have, and once she realized she can have you, it's a no win situation..Save yourself a lot of pain and stick with your wife, she loves you for who you are!!!

 
Old 12-12-2006, 07:28 PM   #7
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

Thanks for the reply Thomas. Read my reply earlier in this thread. I mention that she didn't really play with my heart.. not on purpose anyway.

I totally understand what you mean by this: "I had a relationship with someone for 2 years and made my mind up that it was over and the pain just disappeared as quickly as it came on.. You're mind is so powerful." because when I was on anti-depressants I saw life differently. I saw how she was treating me and etc and I got over her overnight..

but the thing is.. I later realized that she wasn't mistreating me. It was me who was looking too deeply into everything. I was a jealous guy, and very insecure about myself.. so it was 100% my fault, not hers. This is what eats at me. But I can't decide if I would rather be able to blame it on someone else? because I don't think that'll make things better.

Thanks so much for your reply, because hearing people's experiences, especially people older than me, makes me feel better. Knowing I'm not alone and re-enforcing the fact that almost everyone goes through these things.

About my wife.. she loves me A LOT.. and when I was going after that girl, I always told myself 'I wish I had a girl who loved me as much as I love this girl'.. and now my wife does.. but I don't love her back. She's great, but in my heart I just don't love her back.

I feel like it's not fair that I'm with her, but getting a divorce will break her heart COMPLETELY and ruin my relations with my family and her family (we're all really close) and etc..

 
Old 12-14-2006, 08:45 AM   #8
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Re: I made a HUGE mistake. How is it possible to get over someone?

Divorce can a very stressful time in life on everyone involved but people do it everyday and life goes on. I would recommend talking to a therapist before you make that decision it can't hurt. You could be slipping into depression again and not know it. I was using someone that I have cared very much for for a long time to make me feel good and didn't realize it until I was out of control. I will be going to a therapist until I get my depression under control and understand some of the feelings I have kept held close to my heart for over 20 years. Just slow down before you hurt someone. Good luck Indychris

 
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