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Old 12-12-2006, 12:17 AM   #1
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mel1977 HB User
am I?

It is so hard for me right now to seperate all of my feelings-mental and physical to come to a conclusion about IF I am depressed or not. I am on zoloft for anxiety.
1)I have had a two level fusion of my lumbar spine. Since then, two years ago, I have no desire to cook.
2) I work eve shift, and am on my feet the whole time. I stay up til three am, but sleep for 12 hours. I cant' seem to get up in the am/pm. I wake up but just don't feel like getting up. I don't want to-I'd rather lie there til 2 pm when I HAVE to get up for work.
3) I have gained weight since surgery-but during that time I also: quit smoking, hubby lost job, had to move from NV back to MO and moved in with MOM, spent a year in school 9 hrs a day 4 days a week for 11 months, hubby never did get good paying job. I graduated with honors and work is great, but he still isn't making $$ and we are still stuck living with mom. We are 29 for pete's sake. we had our lives pulled out from underneath us 3 days after we moved into our new condo. We can't afford to move out on our own-and I Am the bread winner. I make 4 dollars an hour more than before I graduated. He makes 3 less than me and he'll have a masters this month! (I make 14). I also switched birth control, that may have helped me gain weight, in addition to sitting on my butt for that school year. I used to be able to say-I will lose weight. AND I DID! Now, I just can't do it. I don' tknow why-it used to make me feel so good. Now I hate how I look, my face, my hair, my body and I know how to fix it-that is the funny part.
4) we don't have sex. right now I feel like going the rest of my life w/o it. I tried wellbutrin but it only helped with the smoking cessation, not the sex drive. I feel really bad-also, my shifts are opposit his, so we don't see each other very often.
5) thinking about trying cymbalta-I have to take ultram to function at work. otherwise I get sore and lose all energy I could have.
I just don't know anymore. Shopping seems to be the only thing that makes me happy and for the past two months, I have spent nearly every friday at the mall. I sell clothes to buy more-I am not hurting our checkbook by anymeans though-please don't get this wrong. Anyway- I know shopping releases endorphins so that is the only way I see how I am 'addicted'.
Hubby keeps trying for these jobs and nothing is happening. I am afraid that one day I'll wake up and tell him to leave bc he can't get a job! I don't want that! It is how I feel though-I can't figure it out. I tried counseling before, but she was off-I felt like I just told her stuff. Plus, ins didn't hardly cover a dime.
Well, this was way too long. I hope you are all having an okay day-I wish I had some good words to pass your way.

 
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Old 12-12-2006, 04:52 AM   #2
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: am I?

Mel, sorry to hear that you are having some troubles. Be careful with that shopping addiction! I think that that alone warrants counseling. Can you try another counselor. Some are better than others and you need to find a match for yourself. Sounds like you are really unhappy with your husband?

 
Old 12-14-2006, 12:02 AM   #3
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mel1977 HB User
Re: am I?

thank you for responding.
Hubby and I have had some serious patchy spots over the years. This past year we talked about seperating-but he has made changes and we are happier. i hate feeling the way I do about it though-is it normal to feel that way? I have a hard time not blaming him mentally, inside my heart. I DON'T tell him that.
I feel like we are in such a rut and I don't see good things coming soon. I don't feel good things coming-I hate living in my mom's house. We are almost 30 and I want our own home again. I just don't know. I feel DOWN.

 
Old 12-14-2006, 05:21 AM   #4
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Re: am I?

Mel, I am not sure what exactly upsets you so much about your husband. For one thing, it sounds like you have a certain image of how a husband should be and he is not living up to your ideal?

 
Old 12-14-2006, 11:50 PM   #5
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Re: am I?

oh, I didn't mean for it to come off like I was angry with him-though I guess it does seem that way doesn't it?
I think it is this: I have always had an easy time finding jobs, and I always make the best of them, even if they aren't my favorite. The field I am in is one where no matter where I go, I will always have a job, and employers will always need me. It isn't so much that way for him-nothing makes him happy and he has been labled a job hopper.
See, we lived in MO. He hated it and swore he couldn't get a good job here after he graduated. So, after about a year (and him not trying) we moved to CA. Things didn't get better-he hated this job for this reason, then moved to another for all the money others were making, but then hated it too-so we moved to NV. Got one job, hated that, then finally got the "dream job" He was fired two days short of a year-for reasons that were in his control at one time. Part his fault, part not. If he hadn't been fired, he was gonna get a ten thousand dollar bonus. ANother reason we think they fired him-anyway-bad blow to him but part of me was resentful that he even let himself get into a position to get fired. Then, we moved home, to MO into my mom's house. A blow to BOTH our egos. I went back to school-he was jobless for nearly six months. Our city is a college town and there isn't much here for someone who was making near fifty grand a year. He went from that to nine fifty an hour-I was hurt for him. When I graduated things were supposed to get better-we were gonna move out and move on. That didn't happen. Even though MY job is great and better for me, he is still making three dollars less than me-and job interview after another--no job offers. He is smart and wants to work-but I think some of his hopping around has hurt him and the fact he has no experience outside of retail and sales-and he wants out of it. I am tired of waiting-and I HOPE it isn't bc of him that he is not getting jobs. He is SURE that now he has his masters that things will turn around, but that isn't true and he makes such a big deal about it to prospective employers and they don't really care about it! I feel so horrible FOR him-but I am drained and am tired. I want out of my mom's house, I want our lives back! I am tired in general. I need a good cry but can't come up with a good time to do it. I will keep supporting him as long as I can-but even so, I can't help what thoughts cross my mind from time to time.
I wish I could tell you my job-we talked one day and I learned something-a big difference between the two of us. See, I am a perfectionist, he is not. I give 110% at work and he told me he gives about 80%. Out the door at five where I stay over if needed. This was more so years ago, I hope since his firing he has learned that just bc the clock says five pm, doesn't mean you just run out the door. Bosses don't care for that so much when you are salary, not hourly. He is hourly now-but we are hoping a salaried job will soon follow.
Did any of that make sense?

 
Old 12-15-2006, 04:55 AM   #6
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: am I?

Mel, now I see why you are frustrated. This and that you are living with your mom. You really need to find some time to cry! I live outside of Louisville, KY. There are a lot of jobs here and it is a really nice place to live (you can get a nice house for less money than most places)! Good luck to you and keep posting if it helps you feel better!

Last edited by Sannah; 12-15-2006 at 04:56 AM.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 11:50 PM   #7
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mel1977 HB User
Re: am I?

I have to just try and figure out what my next step is-I am not sure if I want to see a new counselor until we get moved and money is a bit better. I may leave a note for my doctor to see about the Cymbalta. I also have to decide if I want to try botox again in my upper and lower back for muscle spasm.
I may put in "Steel Magnolias" later this week to get a good cry in-that is a perfect movie for that!
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and reply. Always helps

 
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