thats were i am right now. this past week feels like a haze, im like a robot with no feeling. i do everything(bar UNI work and seeing freinds) im supposed to, i havent cut in 1 week now-i feel sometimes i dont need to, i go thruough these phases were i do nothing-just nothingess.
i feel cutting wouldnt give me anything right now, i thought of trying to purge possibly(i never did master that) but to be honest-i couldnt be bothered. im to tired to even injure right now. i dont care, i feel like ive been stripped bare of everything and there is nothing at all left. im just getting more and more frustrated because there is nothing that will make me feel-it scary, what if cutting stops working-ill have nothing.
im soooo impatient. i never got the letter about my therapy,but it was cancelled anyway for something else. now it could be mid january before i even get a letter. when i do get it, the hospital is far away, i dont drive, im broke and i dont even know where the hell it is let alone how ill get to it every week without my parents knowing. its going to be another uphill struggle.
ive bin thinking though, i was a mess last week a bit, but since friday ive been ok, just drifting through the days. maybe i dont need a therapist now? i know its only been 4 days-but im soo lost right now. im in one of those phases were its been so silent for days that you think its all fine and that the idea of you going to therapy is ridiculous-i feel like a prat! i cant tell what is better and what is not.
whats worse is now i dont even see my GP for ages. i hate being one of those stupid dependent people that needs to whinge to the doc every other god damn week-but it helps alot. i have no one else i feel i can talk to, she is the only person in the world i ever told about anything and she was understanding-but now i actually miss her!-how very sad! does anyone else get like this?? i feel like an idiot. please help, im lonely. xox
don't feel stupid for missing your doctor, she helped you, and obvouly you are greatfull, it's natural to miss her now. I too really like my doctor. Can i ask, how would you feel about telling your parents? It may actually give you some relif, and they may not be so hard on you if you tell them. I get on with my parents quite well, and i felt i should tell them even though i was very embarrased at first. My parents were quite understanding about it. and also before my father knew he would get quite angry that i didn't have a job, but now he knows, he hasn't talked about it, i think he realises, i'm trying but it's very difficult for me.
I think you are getting the urge to purge because you are used to hurting your self, but you are doing well for not cutting yourself, please do not try to find alternatives, because you are doing very well
I used to make my felt sick, but it wasn't an eating disorder it was because for a long time i was terrified people were poisioning me, i'd eat food and get the fear i'd die, because i thought someone had done somthing to the food, then i'd have to throw up to stop the anxiety. It wasn't nice though, it burnt my throat, and gave me stomach pains and sickness. It's over now and i'm very glad.
Pucca, I was wondering how things would change for you once you let your doctor know all of your secrets. Did your change in feelings occur after your letter and after you saw your doctor about the letter? I think that you have spent most of your time and emotions since 8 yrs old keeping this secret and now you have let it out. What fills the vacuum now? There is nothing there now because instead of having normal development for someone your age you were focused on maintaining your secret. It's time now to develop normally and I do think that you need counseling to do this. Call your doctor. She will see you until you get in to see someone else. She offered to listen to you. You are not being weak by needing to talk with someone every week about these issues! Stay on that wait list for counseling.
hey, thanks for replying guys. well, i always liked my doc, she's one of those likeable people-remember i posted about getting weird obbsessions with certain people, *females(not in a sexual way though)*, i think about them alot, i miss them and i just think they are amazing people for no obvious reason other than i think theyre great. this is what its like only i feel i could just sit in the presense of this woman all day and be happy enough. every time i go to see her its like a massive outlet, i can finally be myself for 5 minutes and she wont judge me. i liked her before i told her of the abuse. i really want to know what she actually makes of my situation, cos i have no concept of severity or how pathetic it all is, i want someone like her to say its ok to be sad but that itll be ok no matter what.
to zoe-i see your point about telling my parents, but it really aint gonna happen for me. i have to do everything myself by nature(i dont do well when they want to get in my head), even if they were to know id never open up and id feel so much worse for having to cope with everyones feelings then-i like to do things myself alot, apart from geting help from my docs and stuff. they are the only ones i feel i can open up to, i dont feel stupid around them and i know i can just cut them outta my life if need be at any moment- if they really hurt me i can just slam the door and stomp off for good and hate them with a passion while never having to see them ever again. i can leave the office and not think about them or have to face them again until the next time every week-it makes it easier sometmes.
by the way, i ended up cutting asgain. i went on a real downer for some reason at the end of the night, i felt soo trapped again and cut my thigh-but not much. it did provide some releif. im ringing my doc tomorrow anyway to ask a few questyions that im confused about. well thats all for now-what do you think-is it werid i miss my doc like this? xox
Pucca chick, I think that it makes sense that you want to spend a lot of time with your doc if she is the only person in the world whom you feel good around. It is actually really good that you are feeling this safe and secure with someone. I think your issues of not wanting to tell your parents revolve around you not feeling safe letting anyone close to you - that you don't trust that people will not hurt you. You can only feel secure letting someone get close if you know that you can run and run fast. Also, sounds like you don't want to have to deal with your parents emotions after you tell them. You have weak boundaries because your boundaries were violated with the molestation and you cannot deflect other's feelings very well yet. You just soak up other's feelings like a sponge. When you can start working on strengthening your boundaries in counseling you can learn not to absorb other's feelings. Sorry that you had to cut again but you didn't cut for a while and you did really well with that!
hey sannah-your very perceptive. you always seem to be able to read me very well-i really appreciate the advice .
your right about the need to be able to run away fast from a person. ive always had problems trying to not soak up everyones emotions-its tiring, its disabling in that its hard to make a right choice about anything and not be destroyed-cos in the end someone will always be unhappy with it or disagree-you cant please everyone. its so much easier said than done though, i cant just block it out once its there, if i told my parents i could never ever change how they feel again, im afraid ill destroy them and not be able to fix it. there is so much less guilt, embarressment and stuff to deal with when no one knows-its just me.
i rang my doc again, she was really nice again. i wanted to cry this time, its been a long time since i cried. i could feel myself starting when speaking, but i held back-i didnt think it was a good idea to go calling her and then crying down the phone.i find it so hard to tell her how bad it is, she knows a bit from what ive described-you know harm ive done, but every time i have to speak to someone, i have this mask. when talking to her its quite casual, i dont seem very emotional and im sarcastic, but really somedays i just want to burst into her office and lie on the floor and cry hysterically and scream until she somehow either comforts me or fixes everything. there is nothing more she can do for me-its scary, i feel unfixable, what if they cannot help me?? ill be stuck like this.
ive always had problems trying to not soak up everyones emotions-its tiring, its disabling in that its hard to make a right choice about anything and not be destroyed-cos in the end someone will always be unhappy with it or disagree-you cant please everyone.
Pucca, it is not your job to please anyone! You need to do what is best for you. One day you will learn to not absorb other's needs and feelings and then you can make your decisions and not be burdened with what others want or even if they are happy about it.
Boundaries are those invisible lines that you draw around yourself which serve to regulate who passes through to you and when (their feelings included). When you were 8 and molested you did not want that boy violating your boundaries but you were only 8 and he had the power and you were never taught that it was okay for you to say "no". (The old fashioned way of raising children was that adults had all of the power and children didn't have any. I don't raise my girls with these all or nothing absolutes). Because your boundaries were violated at such an early age you never learned that you can regulate these boundaries. Your boundaries are either up or down. No one can get near you or there is nothing stopping a person from entering and doing whatever they want. You can learn that you have a right to say who and when can get close to you and exactly what they can and cannot do when they are there. I didn't develop good boundaries when I grew up either and when a therapist explained that I didn't have good boundaries it made so much sense to me and I never realized that a concept like this existed before. It was so profound for me.
Pucca chick you are soooooo fixable! These things that you are going through are so common. I am a very structured thinker and I swear I could make a list of ten issues that are so common to neglect and abuse and I could put everyone's problems into these categories.
You know Pucca, because you have kept everyone away from you for your whole childhood you missed out on a lot of care/parenting. I think that you just want your doctor to take care of you. You deserve someone to take care of you because you have been on your own struggling your whole childhood. Here's a big hug for you Pucca!
hey again.thanks for explaining the boundaries thing-it fits me.im never good at drawing the lines, i think too much, i find i always try to put myself in the others position, and naturally i am easily hurt, then i think how i couldnt bare to do it to another person-so i find it so hard to draw a line anywhere cos i dont want them to feel like i do. same with my parents, i worry and get those stupid intrusive thoughts and ideas that spiral into ridiculus scenarios-i dont want someone else to be like me.
about my doc, your right. i do want her to take care of me very much. in fact i was thinking today that i want to grab hold of her and beg her to fix me-im so desperate now. i just want someone im confomfortable with(like her) to actually hug me and tell me they will never leave and that its ok to be like this but itll get better-and also to explain everything that ever happened and tell me were i stand with it-but i think shes afraid to touch me incase i freak out. im afraid she will let me down still, im convinced she doesnt like me cos im always there and whinging. but im trapped between trying to be independent but then failing(cutting etc) and realising that i need someone help and i run back to her. im so used to dealing with it myself that now ive found one person to talk to that i can-it all just flushes out like a tidal wave-god love my doc she has been getting the whole thing at full force. i think im a pain in her neck, but i dont want to be alone again. over xmas when i cant reach anyone, i feel so alone in it all again. its almost unbearable. everything moves so slow.i realise now that everyone ive ever been obbsessed with has been an adult in authority or sort of like nurturing, maybe its that im attracted to. xox
Pucca, I am sure that your doc doesn't think that you are a nuisance! Actually, she probably feels closer to you than her other patients. I actually feel very motherly towards you and I am sure that she feels the same way. In one of my university classes years ago we read that if you want someone to like you get them to do a favor for you. Because of the cognitive dissonance the person then feels that if they did this favor for you that they must like you. When I feel that I am helping you it brings me even closer to you. People like to help and feel connected to others.
About the boundaries thing, if I were you, I would stop putting yourself in the other's position and thinking it to death. You need to only be concerned with yourself at this point and what YOU need. Everyone else can worry about themselves, this isn't your job.
It would be great if you could let your parents take care of you and be that nurturing figure that you so need!
wow...i cant believe it I know exactly how you feel...I only have one person who i feel compfortable with and i can let everything out with him...just like you with your doctor... i feel too that i'm a pain in his neck but i also never want him to leave me. A problem with my situation is that he is not a doctor he is a fifteen yr old kid ...like me...i really wish i could stop doing it to him...but without him ...i fall to bits..i also turn to cutting...
There's a method to the madness...I promise...