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Old 12-13-2006, 12:44 PM   #1
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charley2 HB User
hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

are there people on here who are the partners of someone with depression i am struggling to find a support system 4 myself!!!!

 
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Old 12-13-2006, 01:30 PM   #2
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chocolatelab HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

My best friend has suffered from depression for 6 years, not the same as married, but feel useless nether the less x

 
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Old 12-13-2006, 03:32 PM   #3
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CaringMom HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

As in the above post, I am not married to someone with depression, but I have a child dealing with it. It is very hard to see someone you love and care about looking and feeling so down. Take one day at a time, and have LOTS of patience. Is your spouse seeking counseling? Have they admitted they need help? If so, they are on the right path. I know I worry myself; at times I think I can't do this anymore, but I wake up every morning and go on with life the best way I know how. Just do it!; though easier said then done. Good luck and take care. You are not alone.

 
Old 12-13-2006, 04:07 PM   #4
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tom111 HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by CaringMom
As in the above post, I am not married to someone with depression, but I have a child dealing with it. It is very hard to see someone you love and care about looking and feeling so down. Take one day at a time, and have LOTS of patience. Is your spouse seeking counseling? Have they admitted they need help? If so, they are on the right path. I know I worry myself; at times I think I can't do this anymore, but I wake up every morning and go on with life the best way I know how. Just do it!; though easier said then done. Good luck and take care. You are not alone.
do you ever feel like giving up? i know how you're feeling.

 
Old 12-14-2006, 06:34 AM   #5
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consuela HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

i hv a bro who is suffering depression. when u are doing well yrself but the people who are close to you aren't, u can feel really bad.

i'm trying to help my bro get out of the rut, but i hv failed so far. don;t know what to do... sometimes my mood gets affected too when i see him - an able-bodied man in the spring of his life robbed of happiness n success becos of depression

 
Old 12-14-2006, 07:13 AM   #6
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beach4me HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Hi...I am the one who has suffered with depression the majority of our married life (17 years). Just the other night, we had another honest conversation about his feelings and living with someone who is depressed. It is very hard, frustrating, draining and at times, hopeless. I will always be greatful for his commitment to me and our marriage. We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

First, he does not understand because he has never experienced depression.
From my depression point of view, this is what I have learned and he has come to understand...which has helped him to live with me better.

1) Depression (especially severe) causes the person to have a very distored view of what is "reality". No matter how much you try to tell them what the true reality is, they don't believe it. You love them, you are there for them, they are not going to lose their job, everyone likes them...etc... they just won't believe you. They are in a hopeless state of mind.

2) I have spent years feeling very guilty that he has had to live with me and this issue. Therefore, I have often isolated myself from him physically and emotionally. He has come to understand but not like it. He also refuses to let me become isolated physically during the bad episodes. Even if we are sitting watching TV, without words. Or riding in a car. He does not push me into social situations but will not leave me, even if it means that he has to give up some of his social activites. It has given me a great source of comfort, even in the worst of times because without words, he shows that he loves me.

3. He has come to understand that it is not his fault and has absolutely nothing to do with him, his actions, words or deeds. It is a sickness. He can not change it. However, in sickness and health still is his commitment.

4. Most importantly, he has attended counseling sessions with me, at times. He watches to see when I am depressed, medication is not working, or need to see a Dr. immediately. When you are depressed, you often do not have the ability to see these things for yourself. I have come to depend on his honesty and knowledge that he is my safety net so that I do not linger in a very bad place.

5. If possible, get him to a meds Dr. Do not go to your general Dr. They barely know anything about AD's. No offense to them. I wish that I had gone straight to a meds Dr. I spent years with a general Dr. who just kept changing from one AD to another. With very little relief. We both thought, it was a hopeless situation. When I went to a meds Dr. he hit the nail on the head and knew exactly what I needed and I am finally on the road to recovery. I feel the best I have felt in 16 years. My husband says that he has me back. We both are thrilled. YES, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this is long but I hope in some small way it helps. You do need a support group. You are smart to look for one. The best converstion we ever had was when he took me out to dinner 15 years ago and was honest about what he was seeing, how it was effecting our marriage and his "demand" that we seek help.

I wish the best for you and your spouse. If possible, push thru the rough road, it is so much better than you ever dreamed on the other side. We are proof of that.

 
Old 12-14-2006, 11:23 AM   #7
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jkitty HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Hello, my new boyfriend has depression. I am not sure that he knows or claims it himself but it is very obvious to me.

In the begining of our relationship he was kind and uplifting. Now he's always sullen and makes harsh comments to me that bring me down as well. I try to stay positive but it's making me depressed and doubt his feelings for me.

I used to have depression but have recovered so I understand and recognize the symptoms in my boyfriend. It's just so hard to commit to something that makes you uncomfortable, sad and feel lonely. Being so new, I do think of giving up on this relationship but I've seen the softer side and think that he deserves a little compassion and understanding. I don't know how long I can handle the subtle put down comments without casting a frown on my own life, but I will try to stay positive as long as I possibly can.

It's hard living with someone that is always down. The feeling that you have to pick them up and somehow make them better is a never ending battle. They have to get help to recover. I'm not sure my boyfriend even knows he needs help, but it's too new in the relationship to mention that. I only mention the behavior that hurt my feelings when speaking of the way he's been treating me and am not ready to have the "maybe you should see someone" conversation.

Anyhow, Good Luck. Keep Smiling!

Jkitty

 
Old 01-28-2007, 05:16 PM   #8
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charley2 HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by beach4me View Post
Hi...I am the one who has suffered with depression the majority of our married life (17 years). Just the other night, we had another honest conversation about his feelings and living with someone who is depressed. It is very hard, frustrating, draining and at times, hopeless. I will always be greatful for his commitment to me and our marriage. We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

First, he does not understand because he has never experienced depression.
From my depression point of view, this is what I have learned and he has come to understand...which has helped him to live with me better.

1) Depression (especially severe) causes the person to have a very distored view of what is "reality". No matter how much you try to tell them what the true reality is, they don't believe it. You love them, you are there for them, they are not going to lose their job, everyone likes them...etc... they just won't believe you. They are in a hopeless state of mind.

2) I have spent years feeling very guilty that he has had to live with me and this issue. Therefore, I have often isolated myself from him physically and emotionally. He has come to understand but not like it. He also refuses to let me become isolated physically during the bad episodes. Even if we are sitting watching TV, without words. Or riding in a car. He does not push me into social situations but will not leave me, even if it means that he has to give up some of his social activites. It has given me a great source of comfort, even in the worst of times because without words, he shows that he loves me.

3. He has come to understand that it is not his fault and has absolutely nothing to do with him, his actions, words or deeds. It is a sickness. He can not change it. However, in sickness and health still is his commitment.

4. Most importantly, he has attended counseling sessions with me, at times. He watches to see when I am depressed, medication is not working, or need to see a Dr. immediately. When you are depressed, you often do not have the ability to see these things for yourself. I have come to depend on his honesty and knowledge that he is my safety net so that I do not linger in a very bad place.

5. If possible, get him to a meds Dr. Do not go to your general Dr. They barely know anything about AD's. No offense to them. I wish that I had gone straight to a meds Dr. I spent years with a general Dr. who just kept changing from one AD to another. With very little relief. We both thought, it was a hopeless situation. When I went to a meds Dr. he hit the nail on the head and knew exactly what I needed and I am finally on the road to recovery. I feel the best I have felt in 16 years. My husband says that he has me back. We both are thrilled. YES, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this is long but I hope in some small way it helps. You do need a support group. You are smart to look for one. The best converstion we ever had was when he took me out to dinner 15 years ago and was honest about what he was seeing, how it was effecting our marriage and his "demand" that we seek help.

I wish the best for you and your spouse. If possible, push thru the rough road, it is so much better than you ever dreamed on the other side. We are proof of that.
thankyou so much for your response it has really helped me from the point of view of someone who can own the behaviour that they experience of depression. my husband and i have been together for 15 years and recently he was rediagnosed with depression, after managing his condition for years at the moment it is extremely difficult for me as we have 4 children who need me to function for them and it is very difficult to give them all they need when he has become almost childlike and difficult, he hasnt had a bout of depression for along time now and i feel unable to manage this because since the last bout of depression he has also been diagnosed with heart desease after having a near fatal heart attack. i just dont know what to do and it is so difficult not to take his way of being personnally, I am a qualified therapist but i am unable to work at the moment because he is not well enough to help me take of the children and i cannot do it alone and work so i feel trapped with no outlet just children and managing this illness that has gripped my home and i dont know where my wonderful husband has gone how can i continue to love him without loosing myself

 
Old 01-28-2007, 10:18 PM   #9
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

hi beach4me,

you are one lucky woman. and your husband is a wonderful man indeed. it seems they don't make 'em like they used to anymore! continued good luck to you!


hi charley2,

circumstances change. that's life. you know that. now, you have to take the lead and make some changes. i know you're angry and frustrated now, because you feel (and probably are) alone. but you are definitely stronger than you think. limit some things the kids may want (they don't need everything). if the children are old enough, they can go to kindergarten, so that would give you some time "off" during the day. do you have any extended family around, that can baby-sit your younger kids (if they don't go to kindergarten) for let's say two-four hours a day, so that you can see some clients at home? is it even possible to work from home?

having a major illness is a terrible thing. but having two? it's a double whammy!!! the heart attack plus the depression means your husband needs your support more than ever at this point in time. you guys have been married for 15 years! there's something to say about that!

try to gather all the strength from inside you, and all other possible sources of support from family, friends (now it's not the time to be embarrassed), and community resources / groups. do this not only for your husband, but for yourself as well. if you had some help with the kids, at least, it would give you more time for other things. also, can you hire someone to come in and take care of your husband? (i.e., a home health aide), at least for a few hours a day? i know you're not working right now, but there are ways to do this. research it or ask around.

i'm truly sorry for your situation. it sounds very, very difficult. unfortunately, you're the one on whom everyone depends on now. if you make it through this, you'll make it through many other of life's adversities.

blessings to you!!

Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 01-29-2007 at 11:01 AM.

 
Old 01-30-2007, 09:50 AM   #10
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by charley2 View Post
he has also been diagnosed with heart desease after having a near fatal heart attack.
Charley, depression after a near fatal heart attack is more common than you think especially if he already had a hx of depression. Has he expressed his feelings about this ordeal very well yet? Does his cardiac doc know that he is depressed?

 
Old 01-30-2007, 09:52 AM   #11
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: hi every1 i am married to someone with depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkitty View Post
I don't know how long I can handle the subtle put down comments without casting a frown on my own life.

The feeling that you have to pick them up and somehow make them better is a never ending battle.
Kitty, don't take too many put downs from him. This sounds abusive. Also, with your second comment above - is there any codependency going on with you?

 
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