I have been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression and have self diagnosed myself as having dysthymia. I can function on a daily basis, shower, eat, go to work, no trouble sleeping but I don't ever feel happy or angry and most of the time my mood is indifferent. Although I do become extremely sad sometimes.
I'm 25 and feeling that life is pointless and meant to be suffered through until you reach the release of death. I did graduate from college but went to the wrong school and didn't receive a good enough education. I am not good at my chosen career path (not being unrealistically hard on myself, I'm really just not good at it), and all I can find are low paying jobs. I hate my current job and all I do is sit on a computer all day and surf the internet. Sounds ideal right? Well for awhile its ok but then I start thinking and become depressed. I have work to do about 1 week out of the month. Now my job is relocating and I will have to have a very long commute and no extra money because I will have to spend it on gas.
The only thing in life that I feel I have control over is my job. And I beat myself up frequently because I can't find one that pays enough and that I'm just not good enough. I need to look for another job but don't have the energy. Why bother? Who wants to hire me anyway? I'm not talkative or confident or enthusiastic. I've been on interviews and second interviews with no result. Whats the point? I really want to have a career path where I do well and get promoted, but chances of that happening seem slim to none.
I don't like myself and think that I am ugly and other people are better than me. I hate my clothes. I also feel that everyone else is a member of this exclusive club and I am not. They all laugh and talk together (which sometimes I feel they are talking about me) and I sit by myself and don't talk to anyone. I don't trust people and think that they are generally bad. I have no friends and have never had good experiences with friends in the past. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in regardless.
So my life pretty much sucks. I have no hobbies. And even when I try to do things I get no pleasure out of doing them so why bother? Like I said my mood is either indifferent or sad. I have no friends and don't relate to people well. I hate my job and my life pretty much consists of watching tv, cooking and cleaning. Now my bf keeps bringing up the subject of having kids which I am far from ready for. If I had a child to care for that might push me over the edge.
I was in therapy for 4 years. I have recently been in therapy again for 1 year. I have tried anti depressants at different times, cymbalta, zoloft, paxil, wellbutrin. Yes I gave them all enough time to work. They leveled my mood out so that I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy and felt even more detached and zombie like than usual. I tried getting into an intensive treatment program but they didn't feel that I was a serious enough case to warrant it because I'm not on drugs and haven't attempted suicide. Nothing has worked, I feel that I am destined to be miserable forever and sometimes I wonder if things should just end for me. I'm not to that point now, but I could definitely see myself getting there some day.
I really don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. How can I learn to be happy and feel joy? Is it just not in my body chemistry? Any advice? Sorry for the long post.
What a post with such "feeling". I can so relate. Reading that is making me think of my daughter. The past couple of months have been so hard on the whole family. I'm really trying to figure out what she is thinking and feeling, and with questions to her I get the same response, "I don't know". After trying to recall the past year with her, I seem to feel she is feeling like you. (My latest theory to talk over with her couselor next week): She is not happy with herself as a whole and is possibly feeling others view her the way she views herself. (Paragraph 4 & 5). She has not gone to school in two weeks. Worried as to what will happen next. She seems to understand the consequences yet at the same time doesn't care. You cannot be happy with others unless you are comfortable and accepting with yourself. Everyone is unhappy with something about themselves, but some are unable to deal with that. I know that it is difficult to convince someone otherwise. Is your boyfried supportive and understanding? I can see where suggesting children now would be a hard pill to swallow. Even the most put together parent has difficulties! Take care and will be thinking of you.
I've just never had good luck with people. Even amongst past friends I always felt like the odd man out. People just don't respond to me well.
Interesting, if you could figure this out it could be the key to you feeling better. Everyone likes to feel connected to people. What sort of issues have you and your counselor discussed around this issue?
Between talking about every other screwed up area of my life we haven't really addressed this issue. I'm really not sure therapy is helping much. I like having an impartial party to talk to about things, but other than that not much is changing.
My father is a drug addict/rageaholic, so I was pretty much traumatized by him as a child. As a result I'm no good at communicating with men.
I've just always felt different. I lived in a well off, primarily white area as a child. We didn't have much money and I am biracial, so that is part of it. There must be something about me that people feel they can look down on, or take advantage of, or treat like crap.
I'm sick of trying. I have invited people to go places with me, like shopping etc.. No one ever invites me to go anywhere. My life is boring, so I have no opportunities to meet others, and I have nothing to talk about. I just got layed off this week, so now I really have nothing going on.
Insearchofpeace, if this is the issue that you haven't discussed maybe it is the one that you should start on? I grew up poor in a poor area so I never felt bad about it. I have heard of others who had to grow up poor in a well-off area and it can have lasting negative effects it seems. If you are biracial this can add to problems of feeling less worthy also. My neice has biracial children and we are all from rural northern Michigan where there are only white people. When we all go somewhere together up there I see how people respond to her children (She lives in a larger city in Michigan where there are minorities so it is better where she lives now). I think that it would be helpful for you to address these racial issues in counseling. If your current therapist isn't good with these issues find one who is. It would be very hard to receive feedback from people that is not positive. Do you live in an area now where there is a mix of ethnicities? You need to feel good about who you are and work on this until you do.
Have you discussed the issues of your dad in therapy? My mom was very Narcissistic. This caused me to meet other's needs and not my own (because only my mom's needs were met in our family). With substance abuse the same thing is going on. I am sure that only your dad's needs were met, especially if he was rageful. You all were probably walking on eggshells to keep him happy.
When you mentioned that there is something in you that people can look down upon or treat you poorly, actually this can happen. When people don't feel that they are deserving of good treatment (mostly because they have never received it) they do not demand it from people and they allow others to continue to mistreat them. You can stop people from mistreating you. You just have to realize that you deserve better treatment and that you have permission to demand it from people. The best way to go about this is to exit immediately if someone starts to mistreat you (stop talking to them, etc.) or if it is something that you need to stay for, calmly tell them that it is not okay that they mistreat you. Never allow anyone to mistreat you and never get ugly back (use the philosophies of MLK, Ghandi, and Jesus). Returning hate to hate just makes everyone hate more.
The last therapy technique that was used in my counseling was Gestault. This is basically staying in the moment at all times and understanding how you are feeling with people and situations. Understanding these things very well by analyzing why you are feeling uncomforable and then working on these issues to correct them. I live in the moment all of the time now and I am very aware of how I am feeling at all times with all people and situations. This all should give you plenty to work on because these are all big issues that would cause you to feel depressed. Keep posting!