hi dear sannah,
thanks for asking about me. today is actually the first day i came back here, to see how things are going. i'm glad you're still here!!
you were right though. i haven't been doing well. i was at the bottom of the pit again for a while there. i actually thought i wasn't going to get out of it--my vision, my view got so narrow, so limited, i couldn't see anything, but the hell around me, and dare i say it--inside me?!! i think it was brought on by a few environmental factors, in addition to the fall/winter season (it always gets worse then). also, my hormones kill me around the time of my cycle, and the depression compounds by about 100%.
i've been functioning in day-to-day activities as much as i could, but i took off from work more days (here and there) than i would've liked to.
i also worked with my shrink to stabilize myself a bit more, through talk and through medications. we've changed some things (we've added two other meds--one i've already started; the other one, i'm a bit cautious to start, since i haven't heard anyone try it before--although he showed me an article right there in his office--an article from one of his psychiatric journals about treatment-resistent depression and the medications to use, in conjunction with the basic ones..... and this particular med was one that is being used as an augmentative med. it works on the thyroid though ( it's synthroid) and even though he assured me he has other patients on it (i asked him about it), who are doing quite well, i'm still hesistant to add more meds to my ever-growing regimen. i got to the point where i even asked him about ECT, but he said there's no need for that at this point, and that we can try some more medication before we get to that level....
anyway, sannah, the past two-four weeks (can't even remember well) were hell on earth for me. can't even describe the emotional anguish,--ANGUISH in the truest sense of the word. besides that, i've had some horrendous migraines that didn't respond to the imitrex this time, and i ended up vomiting and ...anyway, you get the picture.
i don't know how, but the blackness and the darkness and the heavy stone on my chest lifted up somehow. they eased up a bit, actually more than a bit. my best friend came over to stay with me one evening--after a phone conversation she just showed up at my door..i thought she was crazy, but it was good to have her there; then my significant other was rather supportive, but now some other issues have come up between us as a result of this last "episode"of mine --although he's still with me; my sister has been as helpful as she could've been, and i thank God for her all the time; my mom, as always, didn't understand any of it....
i've been late shopping and decorating for the holidays, and somehow it didn't really feel very "festive" until i got a tree in here and put some lights and stuff on it. it actually made me happy. i was also happy to wrap some packages and some gifts.... and although i didn't want to go at first (didn't want to go at all!!), i'm going to go to pennsylvania, to see my b-friend's family, from the 26th to the 28th. i'm staying in ny from now til the 25th, to spend christmas with my own family. but, his mother really wanted me to go, and he said she would've been disappointed if i didn't, blah, blah, blah...but we're coming back together (he and i) on the 28th. even my psych. told me to go...
so, i said, what the heck....i'm not very good at putting on "the mask" you know...and meeting the parents, and the cousins, and the kids....but, it's only two days out of my life.... i guess i'm making such a big deal out of it because of my issues, and because i'm probably still very sensitive to how others see me.
anyway, enough about me. how have you been doing sannah, and don't just give me a two sentence story!