im sorry for bothering you all, i dnt even know if this is the right board to be on.........(sorry if its not)
im not too sure what too say, i just need to get out how im feeling,
i just dont feel like me anymore....whoever that was.... im just always sad, the feeling never seems to fully die, its like this aching pain that wont leave me, i dont understand why im like this and i dont know how to fix it. i just feel worthless and no good to anyone, i barely eat anymore, i cant sleep, and when i do i cant bring myself to get out of bed. i dnt want to leave the house and i just want to be alone most of the time.
i feel as though i dont even exist, like im not even real. i cant talk to anyone about it, i just feel that i'll bring them down and most of the time i feel like i cant even hold a conversation, so what the point.... i just want to cry most of the time and feel like im always on the verge of tears.... if this is all there is to life whats the point? i feel useless, like i dont deserve life..... there are so many people starving and dying in the world and im feeling sorry for myself, i feel so guilty about that..... im a big cleanliness freak, but i cnt even find the energy to brush my hair, let alone wash it....
i feel like the world is out to get me.....as tho one bad after another happens..... and even when someting good happens....i feel like i dont deserve it...so find a way to **** it up.....i just want this pain to go away......
Lost &Confused, this is the right board for you. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed. Can you go see your doctor? You need to reach out and get some help in order for this to go away. What do you think caused you to feel so worthless? (And you are not bothering anyone here! - Welcome!)
thanks Sannah, i really dont know why im like this, ive had these feelings for the last couple of years and i never went for help because when i went afew years ago i had not so good experiences with the therapist.....i feel like i dont remember what happy feels like.... almost like im on the floor and i cnt get up..... do you ever feel that way?
Lost&Confused, you could try another therapist. Many people have to try a few therapists until they find one who is good and is a good fit for your problem and personality style. Also, sometimes you are at a different place at different times in your life and are more able to work on issues. I have never suffered from depression, I recovered from anxiety. I just hang out here because sometimes I can help others with issues that I am familiar with and I do help myself still on these boards with issues that I can still progress on. Did anything happen two years ago that might have brought on your depression?
i understand exactly what you mean.....you see the thing is....a long time ago something bad did happen.......i was abused by someone i trusted at a very young age..... two years ago they apoligised and it brought everythin i kept inside out.... it has effected me in many ways..... such as my growing fear of intimacy.....the thought of sayin my fears to friends and family would be too much..... i just dnt understand the feelings i have most of the time and i find it getting harder and harder to let go of my fears and worrys...... i **** up everythin thats important and seem to go for what is bad for me......especially men wise...... im sorry for laying this on you.
Lost & Confused, why do you think that I come here - to help people. You are not burdening me. No wonder you are depressed. Sexual abuse does the most damage (I am assuming this was the abuse that occurred). I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have dealt with a fear of intimacy. This is what first brought me to a counselor. I had this because I couldn't protect myself from others due to poor boundary development because of the way I was raised. You might be choosing poor men because you don't feel that you deserve any better. When you get abused by someone you tend to feel that you are worthless. You are not alone in this, there are others here who have been abused also.
im sorry to hear of you difficulties also, may i ask you a question? how are you finding your issues with intimacy of recent times? is there anything you find that may help? i think part of my problem lys in the fact that i have only been fully intimate with one person im only twenty and it was quite recently when this happened....it was with a person who i on and off dated for the last 2years..... i thought i would never be able to get close to him.....so i pushed and pushed him away for along time....when i finally told him how i felt he was happy but alil all over the place.....after we slept together......i felt disgusting and dirty...and ashamed and didnt understand why.....it took everythin i had to be intimate with him......shortly after i told him that i didnt think he cared about me and it was better if we never spoke again.......(i dnt know why)....i tried to fix it....but its too late......he was the only man i ever loved but im slowly learning to accept that i ****ed it up and its over....... its not just him that is making me so sad....its the collective fact that i dont feel good enough to be with someone and i dont know how to feel happy......nothing makes me happy any more......and im feeling more and more isolated....probally my own doing....
Dear OP; You are indeed in the right place. There are many people here who want to help and help you deal with your problems. What you are experiencing is indeed depression - the first step is to recognise that you are suffering from a medical condition, it is not your fault. I used to feel the same as you, hopelessness was the only thing I ever felt. Life can give you more than that.
To your question "why am i so sad?" - you suffered a psychologically traumatic event when you were young. We and professionals can help you past that.
Lost & Confused, I have been able to resolve my intimacy problems. I was able to resolve them by developing healthy boundaries for myself and to accept that I was not worthless. The healthy boundaries enabled me to feel safe allowing others to get close because I knew that I could protect myself. I had a very patient husband who helped me work through this. When he first told me that he loved me I got really scared and it confused him. He understood after I explained it to him.
Now your feeling disgusting and dirty and shameful after you had sex with him, I know that people feel this way who have been sexually abused but I don't understand why. Maybe someone here can offer an explanation. Maybe because you pushed yourself when you weren't ready? Sounds like you pushed him away afterwards because you were scared? I remember when I felt that I wasn't good enough to be around good people. I had to learn that I was valuable and I deserved the best in life. Are you sure that it is too late to reconcile with him? Please try to get into counseling again. All that you feel and are going through is so common for people who have been abused. You really can be helped and learn to live a happy life! Counseling made my life 2000% better.
thank you phazed and Sannah for talkin to me......to phazed thankyou for making me feel that there are people out there that want to help and to Sannah for giving me so many kind words....it is nice to feel you both can understand my feelings..... i know i probally need to talk to someone.....but i just dont know how to go about it......i try to hide how i feel as much as possible from my family....but im getting so tired trying to keep this false pretense up......i dont really know who to turn to.....im lost..... and to Sannah..... i think that time has run out with the man i love......i wish it wasnt the case...he has a great deal of mental issues himself and i dont think he is able to look after himself let alone me....... i wis things were different but right now i dont think it will work..... i just wish i could make sense of my life
I also think that counselling/therapy is the answer. I was depressed for years before I went to a counsellor, now I regret leaving it so late. Just by posting on these boards you are signifying that you want help, so go get it.
This is the right place for you to post and I feel a lot of the same things you feel.
I feel like I have been kind of depressed for a long time, but now I feel depressed a lot. My son got married to a beautiful girl and gave us a beautiful grandson. I have an 18 year old daughter that is my best friend and my husband whom I have been with since I was 17. They are all my life, so WHY am I depressed!? My son decided this year to join the military because they were having a hard time making ends meet...he went to basic training at a post right here in town so we were lucky and got to see him every weekend at church. Then he had his AIT here too, and after a while he got to come home on the weekends and such. Then after he graduated from it all he got a 30 day leave...so that was great!!!!! we got to see him all the time. after that 30 days he had to go to Korea for a year. The basic training got me prepared for the time for him to go somewhere...but everything happened so fast. He joined in June and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. My son is 21, and the longest we have been apart ever is like a week or 2 at a time.......when he calls I chase my husband like a lost puppy just so I can hear his voice, then when we can talk to him on line it is GREAT because we can hear his voice and see him on the computer. I miss his smile and just those few minutes makes me feel so much better. Then I know how much he misses his little family...so that kills me.
Anyway I have an appt with a doc for other reasons and I want to mention the depression but my husband doesn't want me on meds that will make me a "zombie" I don't want to be on meds either, but if it makes me feel better what should I try? I have a lot of things going on healthwise and I have been depressed about that too. I feel bad most of the time (chronic pain) that I want to get help with. Maybe my depression about my son being gone is making my pain worse or vise versa, I don't know. I have said it on other boards, but VENTING makes me feel better and it would be good for me to get a response. Sorry this is so long...but thanks for taking the time to read it(anybody)
I have always been very family oriented and when my son went to Korea he took a piece of my heart with him....my husband handles it different from me, I have seen him cry more in the last 6 months than I have seen in the last 22 years. Plus I must say my daughters fiance is in Iraq, so I worry about him too... and worry about her missing him!! My family is growing and I love it... I just want them all home and safe!!!!!!