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Old 12-21-2006, 06:56 PM   #1
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Clueless

I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way , I am tired of the effects the medicine has on my body. Went over to visit a friend today and it depressed me more as I watched her put the kids to sleep. Makes think of my son and how dearly I miss putting him to sleep. I keep hoping something is going to happen that will change the course of my life, is there a reason why I had to suffer so, what the hell did I do wrong. I come here and I try to give some helpful suggestions and write out my biweekly complaint letter. I have days where I am mad at the world ready to fight at a moments notice then there are the days I sit in the dark the only color is the red dripping off my arms. I am clueless.
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 12-21-2006, 08:42 PM   #2
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Re: Clueless

I wondered if you were okay, T. You have been kinda quiet lately.

I understand. And I'd really (miss??) miss you (that's not it) if you stopped.

Last edited by msbibe; 12-21-2006 at 08:46 PM.

 
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Old 12-21-2006, 08:43 PM   #3
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Re: Clueless

trg, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Depression is a horrible disease, it makes no sense at all. I was feeling pretty good for quite awhile there, then it just came back out of nowhere and isn't going away. I don't know how I can help you, but just to say that I can relate. I hope tomorrow will look a little better for us both. Take care.

Last edited by oceandreams; 12-21-2006 at 09:39 PM.

 
Old 12-21-2006, 10:51 PM   #4
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Re: Clueless

I do everything my doctor says. I follow a pretty tight schedule when it comes to my meds, I am never more than half an hour late. He says sign up for therapy so I take the first step and call the place up, three weeks later I am still working. My friend asked me if I had been diagnoised and I told her what the diagnosis was and she had this odd look on her face, kind of a deer trapped in a headlight sort of thing. My diagnosis is overwhelming to some and I guess that is understandable especially to those limited in psychological illnesses. I was thinking about my wife earlier and I really want to write her another letter but the last one burnt up in flames and I am not in a safe place to handle another rejection. I miss seeing both my wife and son everyday, victims of the disease I guess. I keep thinking about a musical group one of there album titles was "how can I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today" never knew what that really meant a few years ago but it is sure making sense. I am babling thanks for the responses and support.

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 12-21-2006, 11:00 PM   #5
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Re: Clueless

Is your grandmother still around? I was just snooping around the internet, you know. I'm sorry your friend was overwhelmed.

I know you said a couple of times you hate Christmas and you don't know why. And I know Christmas/holidays is a hard time all around for a lot of people on this board, similar boards. You do everything you are supposed to do, that your doctor says... I don't know. Hang on through the new year and things should shift, look up, look different?

Lean on the support here and trust your angels.

Last edited by msbibe; 12-21-2006 at 11:15 PM.

 
Old 12-22-2006, 09:50 AM   #6
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Re: Clueless

trg:
I too am concerned reading your post. I hate to hear you are feeling so down. I've read so many of your responses over the past couple of months and you seem like such a caring, thoughtful man. I don't know if you realize how many you have comforted on this board with your support, knowing what they are going through. (At least I see it that way!) You have indirectly given of yourself to them. I think that would be a wonderful feeling. I bet many go through life not knowing what it's like to give of themselves. They are losing out on so much. You have a "talent" for words of comfort.
You mentioned you want to write a letter to your wife and son. Why not do it, but don't send it. Keep a journal of letters to her and your son for you. I hear writing what you can't say helps. Thinking of you. Take care.

 
Old 12-22-2006, 11:17 AM   #7
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Re: Clueless

my dear friend,

i've read the begining of your post and the entire thread, and i agree with everything these wonderful people have said about you, esp. caringmom. you did "give yourself" and of yourself to so many others out there in the world who are suffering and don't know what to do...no matter how you may have felt, you've always encouraged, empathized, lifted up, made others smile, shared, comforted .....as i've said before, you are an inspiration!!!

i've recently "emerged" out of the deep, dark "night of the soul." this time it was very hellish. i know exactly what you mean about doing things right: going to the doctors, taking meds, etc... and yet, the monster rears its ugly head despite everything. this time was so bad, trg., that i thought it'd never end. but, it did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it may have been a friend of mine, it may have been talking with my doctor, a change in the meds i take, i don't know what the heck it was/is, but the darkness lifted slowly--very slowly. i'm still seeing the grey here and there mind you, but it's not as bad as before, and i know it will be better.

you've been through this before. you know the same thing, my friend. you know that what you feel now, will not last. "this too shall pass!" i thought it would never pass. it did. i know it will pass for you, as well.

i'm thinking of, and praying for you!!!!!

 
Old 12-22-2006, 01:07 PM   #8
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Re: Clueless

Thanks again for all of the support it is greatly appreciated. I am hoping it is just the lask of sunlight and the christmas season being hear that is bringing on this new level of depression. It can not be the snow because we do not have any and none is forecasted for the new future may be my first christmas with out snow that will be odd. I am trying to keep myself busy and keeping my hands occupied so I don't start dwelling on the self harm thoughts going through my head. . Thanks again

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 12-22-2006, 05:27 PM   #9
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Re: Clueless

Trg, sorry to hear that you are getting tired of all of this. You are so incredibly strong. I know that you visit the PTSD board (don't you?). There is a group over there that is really doing some incredible work with each other. There is a woman over there Stick (or Sid) who actually has recovered from PTSD and she seems very good at helping others with this. Maybe you could go over there and introduce yourself and get involved?

 
Old 12-22-2006, 08:47 PM   #10
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Re: Clueless

Hello Trg247,

I'm so sorry that you are suffering so.

This is a very difficult time of year for most people. Even people who don't normally deal with depression get down during the holidays, so it's not surprising how devastating holidays can be for those of us who fight depression every day.

I know it is not easy, but please know that you are not alone. We have to fight harder through the holidays...

Take care.

SOE

 
Old 12-23-2006, 04:24 PM   #11
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Re: Clueless

Thanks again for the advice and support it is greatly appreciated. I am hoping a big part of this depression is triggered by the holidays. I saw my son today and that always gives me an extra boost also I will be seeing him earlier this week due to the holidays and such. Thanks again

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 12-23-2006, 04:33 PM   #12
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msbibe HB User
Re: Clueless

This is good to hear. <collective sigh of relief>

hugs, and enjoy the parts of the holiday that you can.


 
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