| | how to not forget
ive been thinking latley how long ive felt like this-its been soo long. i forget what filled my head before this, what i spent my time doing, i cant remember what it felt like to really care or want to do something. i dont know what feels normal, i dont know what normal is anymore or who the person before was. i spend days just drifting, it isnt unusual for me to cut with razors alot, or try to purge, or spill boiling water on myself-and i start asking how does a person get this far into it-how the hell did i get here??
then i go to my freinds house or something and they tell me what they did that day-things like watched tv(which i cant have patience nor focus for anymore), or go shopping or meet up with people. and i wonder, since i tell people the same-do others have 'mini breakdowns' alot too and not tell anyone???
im in the habit of never letting on how bad things really are. my only freind who knows of the depression when she asks i just say 'aw yea im still on the happy pills, but hey what can ya do, ill be off them soon hopefully"-yet things couldnt be farther from the truth-it will be a long time till im off them, and it wont be the only pill ill ever be on either, i talk about it soo causually yet its ripping me apart peice by peice,i say' but what can ya do'-and i cut.i jump about and laugh, im a complete motor mouth when talking to people cos im so desperatley hiding alot of the time. sometimes i think i kid myself and have got so far detatched from reality. lying on floors,pressing my face against glass in dispair and just general lack of giving a toss has taken over and i forget how to even try to be normal.know one knows what i really feel but my doc, theyd be shocked if i told them in the past ive been suicidal. im realsiing more and more though that even when i want to express myself-i cant, i actually do not know how to. im beginning to think i dont even know how to be happy-ive just forgot. how do you guys get out of this?? how do you be normal when even when you try to do the nornal things everyone else does-but its not enough, it never feels like it should. what should i do now?? please help, im at a dead end. xox