right now I'm 21. I'm supossed to be having the time of my life. I'm not. I have no friends and I cant seem to keep them. I isolate myself from people and I literally stay in bed all day. Here it is almost 5:45am in the morning and I can't sleep. I eat all day in secret to try to fill some void I know will never be filled. I dont want anyone to see me. I look a wreck when I go out and I'm always on the edge of crying.
I started wellbutrin and its gonna be day 6 for me. I dont feel much different. I was really hoping I would. I wanna call some people and do something for new years but I just can't without it working. Its so hard. I contantly watch other girls my age out and about enjoying life and looking cute but here I am miserable wanting that but I just cant seem to get it. I can see my life passing me by and I cant do anything about it. Its like at times I wanna do right but then sometimes everything just seems meaningless. I dont know where this is going I guess I'm here to vent maybe?
I just hope this wellbutrin starts to work. I'm so sad. I wanna get out of bed before 3pm tommorrow. I dont wanna miss the day anymore. the past 6 years of my life have been a big blank because most of the time was spent in my room sleeping. I just cant take this anymore. I dont understand why I just cant be different. I just wanna be normal again
anyone got any words of advice? I really need it now
i wish i could be there to talk to you in person, and to tell you that what you're saying and thinking and believing, is basically how i felt when i was 21. i'd also tell you that time passes, but don't worry soooo much about it, and that it's very normal to question your purpose here on earth at just about this age. it would be abnormal not to!!!. it's also normal to think of what lies in the future, and to compare yourself with others, and to find yourself not up to par with them--even though it's probably, or most likely not even true, but.... --but i know how you feel, because that's what i believed myself at 21. it wasn't easy for me to make friends, because i was a rather shy and withdrawn individual. since my mother put me down and criticised me quite often while growing up, i withdrew into a shell, and i came to expect the same from others around me, and would be afraid to open up to same-aged peers and/or teachers, professors, etc. i lived a very lonely existence--basically going to school, coming home, going to my room, and escaping into books and music, and art (drawing and painting), and reading poetry by emily dickinson, a depressive herself--whom i'd then try to emulate...and i must say i did a pretty good job of it. i also thought everything was absolutely meanigless--was always asking myself, what the heck is the point of all of it anyway, why are people so preoccupied with material things, when there are more important things to think about, such as life, death, the universe....i was philosophising, in a manner of speaking.
when i was upset about something, and i couldn't cry because i was with family or surrounded by others (let's say i was on an outing with my family), i'd go and eat half a box of chocolate chip cookies, alone (so that no one would see), to fill myself, to feel full, to fill the pain, the hate, the anger, the rage inside me, so that it wouldn't come out. i had no coping mechanisms at all. however, when i finally got a job, i was able to move out, and away from my mother and family, and that was the first step in my taking a stand for myself. it was extremely hard out there in the world by myself (i also had my younger sister with me, and she was able to work odd jobs too, and so, she helped in a way), but the difficulties of living alone and managing the rent and utilities, and food, and having money left over for some clothes, once in while--were really, really unbelieavable. however, i managed to finish college and go to graduate school, and later on, when i finally got a job with insurance i reached out for "real" help. by that i mean, i went to a psychologist, since i figured i really needed to talk to someone about my problems. he saw i was in need of more than just "talk" and referred me to a psychiatrist, who put me on antidepressants....and so the story continues...
but, i wanted to tell you that you will definitely "get out" of this dark episode you're in right now!!! I know you will, because if i did, you can do it. i was so low at one point, i was at rock bottom...but fashion, time has its own way of instilling its wisdom in all of us. what i mean to say is that, besides the doctors, the medications, the talking, the crying, the praying, etc., time is our ally. the older we get, the more we will be able to open our eyes to the world; with experience comes wisdom, compassion, strength, and courage. don't worry so much about how things "should" be anymore. i would tell myself the same thing if i could talk to that 21 year old.... take it easy and know that maybe you are supposed to be just where you are for some reason, --at least for a while. and believe, really believe that you have that stregth inside you that nobody can take away, and which will carry you boldly forward. you will make it through!!! you will!!!!
blessings to you!!
the posters above me pretty much covered everything. I just wanted to say Wellbutrin is a good med for some people but like other antidepressants it takes between four to six weeks before you feel the full effect
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
first of all thanks for all the responses.
sannah- lots of things. growing up I've never felt like I belonged. I know many kids dont but I was that one kid that was just always different. I cant explain it but those who feel that way know what I'm talking about. I'm also in college. My gpa is low and has dropped dramatially since freshman year.My major isnt working out well for me and I might actually try to get into a program I want. I feel all the money my mom put in so far has gone to waste. its how I feel. I just wanna do what I really want to do. I feel like I've wasted 3 years here not doing what I truely wanted. I havent even told my dad yet. I also found out about a year ago about sexual abuse that went on in my family. I cried about it yesterday. My dad is an alcoholic and he doesnt love my mom anymore. He constantly talks down to her when all of us are around. its so hard sometimes. I also dont feel beautiful. I dont want any boy to touch me or be close to me. I dont believe anything they say. I dont feel worth it. I just dont feel.... anything... but sadness. Its a lot of other things. I just feel so empty but full of sadness. If that makes any sense.
dakota- thanks so much for your post! you took the time out to actually respond to me. your words are exactly how I feel right now. Seriously reading that has made my night and I usually rarely feel this way. Just reading what you wrote made me feel like someone really understands. Someone whose been there and is really meaning everything. I hope its okay if I add you on my buddylist or Pm you from time to time? your story sounds so much like mine. eating to feel that anger,sadness, pain. I'm so happy you got out of that dark place. I cant wait until I'm out of this. sometimes I feel like it will never happen. I vow to myself every night tommorrow is a new day but as soon as I know it I'm avoiding calls,staying in bed, eating in secret,looking at others from a distance and wishing so bad I could laugh and live. I dont know whats it like to live(does that make any sense)?Everything is so new to me. The beach is so new to me and so are amusement parks(I havent gone since I was 10) I cant allow myself to. I've never been to a concert.
I can't wait until I get a job like you. pay my mom back so she can really rest and not be stressed. I want to get help as in talk to someone and I've tried but never felt right. the people I went to see werent any help so I'm discouraged on that.
you saying I will make it through and basically your last paragraph has made me feel so good. thanks so much. you writing that really means so much to me.
trg, yeah I hope it kicks in soon. thx for the info and letting me know that.
Fashion, if you grew up in a family where your dad was an alcoholic and there was sexual abuse going on, you grew up in a dysfunctional family (don't feel alone, I grew up in one too). One function of a family is to nurture its members so that they can grow, develop and get their various needs met. Dysfunctional families don't do this very well. In a dysfunctional family, usually one member gets his or her needs met and all of the others have to sacrifice their needs. This is a problem when you are growing up in this family because what you learn is that you CANNOT take care of your own needs only the needs of others. This of course is a problem. If your needs never get met it makes you feel worthless. People feel loved when they are listened to, understood and taken care of. If you feel worthless it could cause you to feel that you don't belong. I felt like I didn't belong when I grew up to. I think that a person needs to feel that they are valuable in order to feel like they belong. Watching your dad mistreat your mother would be very difficult. If your mother allows him to do this you have been learning a lot of behaviors from her that are not beneficial. Of course you already correctly learned that the way that your dad treats her is inappropriate.
Now why aren't you studying what interests you? This could cause someone to get depressed - having to do something that does not interest you.
Counseling is the way to go to resolve all of these issues for you. I could have never turned my life around without it.
Dakota, I loved reading your post - it came from your soul.
sannah- I never looked at it like that but I do think thats a lot of the reason why I feel the way I do about myself. My family has a lot of issues and its true I never felt like anyone really cared what I had to say, do etc. I use to always think it was just me growing up and what not but no... I've had this feeling since I was a little girl and I still do now. I'm glad counseling helped your problems. I'm going to look into it. How did you begin? I might try to start again.
I'm not studying what I'm interested in because they wouldnt accept me to the program at the university where I go. So I did something I wasnt happy with. I'm going to keep trying hopefully somewhere will. I'm trying different kinds of programs now. I really want this. I really wanna be doing something I want to do. In fact I'm using all my christmas money to apply. Sorry now I'm rambling.
by the way Merry Christmas!
Fashion I explained some of my therapy in the thread "How does therapy help you" by Insearchofpeace. It was posted just a few days ago. Good luck to you and I will keep an eye out for your posts. Please ask me any questions and Merry Christmas to you too!
Hi Fashion... Though I'm 57 years old, I think back and see myself in you when I was 21. Back then, we had no "med" to help, or even any understanding by anyone, so I more or less winged it through life. It was sooooooo a tough go of it though.
I am glad that there are meds out there now to help young folk like you. Wellbutrin is what I went on 3 years ago, though I probably needed it when I was your age. I will say that the wellbutrin took quite a while to truly take affect.... so do give it time. I've been on it quite a while now and honestly don't know how I coped these years without it. Hang in there, young lady, and I'm sure things will become easier as you get help and gain maturity and wisdom.
Life is surely no bowl of cherries and for many of us, both young and old, our early life lays heavily upon whatever lies ahead for each of us. Don't fret, though, because it does indeed become easier. Oh, don't get me wrong... it's not as though all the anguish, pain, misunderstanding, etc., go away, but rather that WE ourselves learn, as we mature, how to cope and form ways of living our lives that go way beyond our backgrounds and all the past baggage that we so labor with through life.
My family, too, had so much to do with my emotional upheaval and psychological difficulties. It took years for me to sort it out, face it all, and put it in it's proper place. I didn't like having to do it, but I knew it was necessary for my own wellbeing.
I can only say that you are on the right track, that you are fortunate to have medical help in your day (something I didn't have), and that you seem wise beyond your years and therefore you will go forth with wisdom as many your age do not. You see things as many do not, you seek things as many have no idea how to......and you have put yourself on the right path!! That is the most important aspect of where you are and where you are going. My prayers are with you, and I somehow feel intuitively that you will succeed on this journey you are encountering. May the peace of the Almighty be with you and sustain you as you go.
I don't know you, and I can't offer any advice. But I do want you to know that your situation is eerily similar to me right now. I am with you in this. I don't know what to do either. I was always the one that stood out as a kid. I feel as if life is passing me by, and I am just standing there watching from a distance. Everyone else has chosen a goal in life and are working towards it, but I am lost. What ever happens, we are in it together. Take care of youself now.
MsCindy-first of all thank you so much for responding.Its really good to know someone understands. It makes me sad to think there was no meds for you when you were younger. I couldnt even imagine how you managed. How did you???? Exactly I just want to be able to cope with things instead of just closing off and sleeping all day.
thanks so much for your words. I am trying to do whats best and it makes me feel good that you feel I can do this !!!! Your words brighten me up and somehow I feel like I can really do this! thanks again for your wonderful words and I wish you the best as well! Hopefully I can message you from time to time. Its always good to hear from someone who has more knowledge on life and experiences.
texan- your right we are in this together its nice to hear from someone who understands. if you want you can add me to your list and we can check up on each other every once and a while? I would really like that. From what you said we have prob had similar experiences growing up and as of now. I wish you the best!