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Old 12-23-2006, 06:54 PM   #1
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Need some advice

How do you stop listening to others and start trusting yourself. It seems as soon as I start getting back to being myself and start doing what I know is best for me I always have somebody saying something against it. I got myself to be on a routine for sleeping at night and all I hear is that I am neglecting my friends and not appreciating them. Or I go to get a job and somebody is putting down when I work. Or I try to be more pleasent and not make as many joke (I can have an abusive sense of humor...or so I am told by others) and people ask me if I'm alright and that I'm not being myself. It seems like I can't do anything right without people commenting. I stopped taking citalopram because I believe that is what best for me and all I hear from people is that I should get back on the medication even though I can work through my problems with out them. I started taking more vitamins for the depression and melantonin for my sleep problems (both are working great) and I have people pushing the medication on me. In my heart, I know what best for me. But my head keeps thinking-Maybe they are right? Anyone else experience this at times? If so how do you stop listening to other people when you know what right for you?

 
Old 12-23-2006, 08:59 PM   #2
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Re: Need some advice

Only you know what is best for you. We can take what everyone says and let it filter through our brain before reaching a conclusion. Hopefully your friends will be supportive of you in what ever you decide. As for the meds only you know whats best but you really need to be careful with medicine though.

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Old 12-24-2006, 08:58 AM   #3
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Re: Need some advice

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! To get any peace and quiet you have to set up some boundaries between yourself and these people. Let them know that you will listen to their OPINIONS to a point. You decide how many opinions that you want to listen to. Most people REQUEST opinions from others. If you are sharing an issue with them, however, in my opinion you are sort of "asking" for an opinion. After you hear these opinions, however, this is only information that you can then chose to use or not. Many people can overstep their boundaries (and yours) and feel that it is their job to run your life. Ask if you want any tips on how to set these boundaries.

 
Old 12-24-2006, 12:26 PM   #4
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Re: Need some advice

Well, there is one person who tries to run my life. My ex fiancee. We broke up because we both have issues to work on. We still live together, are friends, and I consider him close. I tell him whats going on in my life. He has an opinion on everything. I don't know if I am setting myself up for his opinions or not. I will just tell him something that is going on in my life, and he automatically gives me his opinion. And usually its negative. But when I have decided on something that I feel is best for me he discourages it. And he voices his opinions on a topic that I didn't even bring up. My main problem comes from him. I don't know how to set respectable boundaries with him. I want to keep him close as a friend and tell him the things that are going on in my life, but at the same time I only want his opinion when I ask for it. And when I do want his opinion I want a discussion, not him telling me what I should do and then putting my ideas down and not being happy with me if I don't choose his way.

 
Old 12-24-2006, 01:33 PM   #5
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Re: Need some advice

Calamity, have you ever told him this? When he starts to do these things that upset you just calmly tell him how you feel about it.

I read in a book written by a linguist that men and women solve problems differently. A woman mostly wants someone to just listen to her tell about her problem. A man feels better if his problem is solved or minimized. My husband used to do the same thing, try to tell me how to solve the problem or try to tell me it wasn't a problem. OOOOHHHH, don't tell a woman that her problem isn't a problem! I explained this to him and he happily just listens now. I did this once in a conversation with a male coworker (I wasn't planning it, it just happened). He started telling me about his problem and I minimized it. He got so happy!

 
Old 12-24-2006, 01:39 PM   #6
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Re: Need some advice

I think the best thing that you can do is to simply tell people what kind of response you're looking for when you share your thoughts with them. For example, when I start talking with my mom/a friend/etc. about something that is bothering me, I will gently tell them that I am only looking for someone to listen to me blow off some steam or whatever; I'm not looking for advice or opinions. Remember: It's sometimes difficult for the other person not to try to help because, well, they're your friend, they care about you and want to try to help you in whatever way they can. Just let them know that the best way they can help is to simply listen .

I'm a talker, too, when I'm having problems, so I know where you're coming from . Another bit of interesting info.: I have read, and experienced, that men tend to want to solve problems while women tend to be more apt to listen to your problems and try to sympathize. Keep this in mind when you go to your guy friends for a shoulder or an ear...

~Colleen
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Old 12-24-2006, 02:08 PM   #7
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Re: Need some advice

Thank you. I think my problem does arise from the miscommunication between women and men. Because my girlfriends will sit and listen. And when I have finished with my rant they will either help with advice or understanding. My guyfriends I usually don't go to for problems except for trying to understand men. And when my ex has a problem I usually give him a quick solution and he is happy, and now I think that maybe that is what he is expecting me to want.

But I do still have a problem with him discouraging how I choose to handle things. And I feel in some cases (even when we were dating) he crosses the line between advice and trying to run my life. And I guess what I want to know is how do I quit him from trying to parent me to just being there as a friend.

 
Old 12-25-2006, 07:28 AM   #8
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Re: Need some advice

Calamity, you have to tell him when he is doing it that you do not like this. I think that everyone needs feedback on their behavior, especially in a relationship. Just tell him that when he does this that it makes you upset. Tell him "you are parenting me again".

 
Old 12-27-2006, 06:34 PM   #9
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Re: Need some advice

Well I tried to tell him that he has over step his boundaries and that I want him as a friend not a parent. He just got defensive and started raising his voice towards me. He started insulting me in anyway possible. Targeting my lack of job and money, my relationship with my family and friends, and school. Made me feel really bad, but I see how much of a friend he is. Well, I tried.

 
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