I am pretty sure I suffer from strong depression. I am a recently turned 20 yr old male. I was researching this, and it seems that I must seek professional help. But there are several problems with that solution. First of all, I do not have a doctor, and even if I did I doubt I could afford it. Plus, with me in the military, I could kiss my college funding goodbye if they were to find out. I can't even turn to my parents, as they are not the type. I don't even have a trusting friend to turn to. Where should I go? I have difficulty each night going to sleep, and once asleep I never want to get up again. I've lost interest in nearly everything that I used to like, and I don't eat as much as I used to. I have thought about suicide, as expected, but it just won't work. I can't make my family suffer. I used to have a drive in life, but not anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore honestly. I know that I am a kind, sensitive, and loyal guy who cares so much about others, and yet.... well I just don't know anymore. Any suggestions?
Texan, if you are in the military you should have medical care and I thought mental health care also? I thought that folks in the military could seek mental health care without jeopardizing their career? You have depression (most likely) which is very treatable. What do you think caused your depression?
I appreciate your concern. However, there is a great misunderstanding in reference to the healthcare benefits. Most people don't realize this, but it is only the full time members who get those benefits (as far as I know at least). I am just national guard (part-time), so I do not receive that. As to the cause of my depression, I am not sure. I only recently remembered going to counseling many times since I was just kid, but only faintly. I've been depressed as far back as I can remember. Why it is only now affecting me, I am not sure. I think that throughout my younger years, my innocence, as well as a busy life with school and a two firends, kept me free from the pull of depression. But now that I am older, and living in my own place, Even if I maintain my hectic schedule of a full time student with a full time job, the military and such, I can't hide from it anymore. I still have to go home everynight alone. That is where the trouble starts for me. The only clue I have to it all is the childhood before the age of 7. My mother died one night right next to me. We shared the bed, and I woke up at 4:30 in the morning. She didn't wake up when I shook her. 6 Months later my Great-Grandmother died. Of course, my parents were already seperated by then, and my dad was getting remarried. Though that only lasted 6 years. Just in time for my best friend to die right after my great-grandfather. Of course, last October, I moved in to take care of my granparents (who half-raised me after my mom died). A week later my Granddaddy had a stroke on a Saturday and was dead before Monday. But why should any of that affect me now?
Texan, all of this death, especially your mother and how it happened could make you depressed. You said now it is worse when you go home alone. Did you feel like you were alone frequently when you were growing up? I would seek counseling to help work through this. There are a lot of counseling centers that use a sliding scale for payment. Your mental health should be your highest priority. In my opinion, nothing else means anything without it.
I have read that grief is often cumulative, building up more with each loss, until you finally reach a state where you can no longer function well. Counseling, particularly "grief counseling", could help you a lot. Good luck.
To all of you who took the time to respond, I thank you. I am not sure what a sliding scale payment is, but I will look it up. As for being alone, well yes I'm a loner. I've never really had many friends, and only three or four that I did make I still talk to. As for grief counseling, I think that is what my parents tried 5 or 6 times to do. I can remember several counselors throughout my childhood, not including those at school. I'm not suicidal, as mentioned earlier, I can't stand to see anyone suffer, honestly. I feel weird talking like this. None of the people I know have any clue, and yet here are strangers offering advice. Well anyways, take care everyone, and have a happy holiday.
Texan, maybe now as an adult you can tackle this with some success. A sliding scale payment is when the center evaluates what you can afford to pay. You could contact the local hospice. They could give you info on grief counselors.