I really need some positive words. I've been suffering with anxiety/depression since 1991, but lately it's gotten totally out of control. I had dp (depersonalization) for about 10 years and was managing ok. 3 years ago I had a baby and that's when everything went downhill. I don't mean my son, I mean my condition. I haven't had a "good" day since 2004 when my doctor put me on Paxil. I guess it "pooped out" because a few months after that I felt worse again. I've been on so many drugs I've lost track. All of the SSRI's, Nardil, Effexor, Imipramine, Lamictal, etc. I just started seeing a psychopharmacologist who has me on Lyrica, Nefazodone and Provigil. He's also going to add Wellbutrin in about a week (I've only been on the other drugs a few weeks).
Right now I can hardly function. I am a stay at home mom and as if that's not hard enough I feel like I'm dying. I have no energy, I'm exhausted ALL of the time, the dp is so intense I feel like I'm going insane. I walk around like a zombie and wouldn't care of I died tomorrow (no, I'm not going to do anything). If I didn't have my son to take care of I would check myself into a hospital. I've been crying off and on for weeks and just want to feel better. I don't even care if it's only a little bit. Just something. Things just continue to get worse. Why don't these meds work???
I guess what I need is for someone to tell me they've felt like this and got better. I need some hope, please.
Hi Brooke, I hope you are doing ok today and always. I too am new to this website, but I can feel your pain 100%. I dont know if i have support words for you but I can tell you a little about myself and what i have been going through and i hope it can help a little?? I have have had depression off and on for almost 21 yrs now., since i was a teenager. I was a single mother for the first 9 yrs of my daughter's life, up until 2003. I was hospitalized for my depression off and on through the years,(as a single mother and before that) I admitted myself because i wanted the help, which i did get, but it did not help forever, just for the time being there in the hospital, but I could not stay there forever because i had my child to raise., but i had to take care of myself in order to take care of her, so i am NOT ashamed for going to the hospital when i needed their help. I have had many many times when i wished god would take me away, take me away from having this depression, although i did not ever try to do anything, i just wished i could leave this pain. I too said, why are none of this med's working??? Then in 2003, my depression was the worst of them all. My child's biological father had my one and only child taken away from me because of my depression ( although where was he the first 9 yrs of her life? ) It is now almost 2007 and i have lost sole, legal, physical custody of my only child, whom i raised as a single mother!! Talk about major depression!!! I can't believe i am still here today talking about this, i still cant believe i am living after all i have been through. I am on yet another new depression medication called Cymbalta which is working quite well so far. Although i still cry everyday and night it is not as bad as it was before. Maybe you could mention this medication to your doctor and see if you can try it ?? I do hope you keep in touch.
Last edited by moderator2; 12-28-2006 at 08:15 AM.
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i went through a simular problem in my early 20s They just kept throughing more meds at me and they actually made my depression so much worse. I ended up going off of every thing for a while. I was better to a degree because as i said the meds were actually making me so much more depressed. Now i take celexa and i feel like it works very well and has continued to work. I think sometimes when there are to many meds being used it doesnt work out as well. Just my 2 penneys worth. I am in no way suggesting that you stop taking your meds only sharing my experience. I really hope the fog lifts for you soon so you can see all the colors of life again. When i am deaply depressed i dont see the beauty around me. I know i am on the right track when i smell the flowers or stare at the sunset and remember to admire it, not just space out in its general direction...ok yea i am off track some sorry. No sleep all night causes rambling lol
Take good care
i went through a similar problem... I was very ill and basically spent about 4 years lying on the lounge wishing I wern't here on the planet... physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion... when I went to doctors I was told I had major depression.. I was referred to an awful psychiatrist who I saw only once...
basically I was dismissed because I was a woman with children....they think all we do is whinge...
after 4 years of hell and wanting to die I went to a completely different doctor and told him I coldn't live like it any more.. he was great .. gave me thorough medical check up and foudn some health problems... treated me like a person... I started to improve....
then after a few false starts I found a great counsellor who diagosed me with PTSD also... I worked with her for a year and guess what I did get better.. I can laugh... i do feel happy most days..... I also learned to manage my emotional state and to be aware of warning signs and what to do to prevent a relapse...
today 15 years late I really like my life...
i suppose i'm saying it CAN change.... find a good counsellor, that you feel safe and supported by.... you should feel improvements in the first 4-6 weeks of therapy this may take a few go's as there are some crappy one's around..... ditch any that make you feel inferior or push too hard.. but once you find one committ to it for a good 6 months or so..find someone who does Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as part of their treatment (but not the ONLY type of treatment)
if you feel that you need to be in hospital it is probably a good idea.. it sounds as though you barely have enough energy for yourself let alone the demands of looking after a child..
please don't think that this is how it's always going to be.... it can be changed..
3 years ago I had a baby and that's when everything went downhill. I don't mean my son, I mean my condition.
Were you diagnosed with postpartum depression? That's what it sounds like, or at least a part of it. I had it and went to the hospital for a bit--it helped a ton. I was able to get on a good dose of what worked for me, and get a good start on getting stable. Although I've had some depression since, it's never been as bad as when my dd was just under a year old. I wish the best for you.
Thank you all for your replies. It does help. I know I just have to be patient until I find the right med combo. It's been 15 years so I think you can see why I'm a little impatient. Like I said, I was functioning ok up until 3 years ago. I can honestly say I have never felt so bad in all my life. It's horrible living this way. I just stare into space most of the day, not really caring what happens. Nothing brings me joy.
To answer some of your questions, yes, I did try cymbalta but it didn't do a thing. And I was diagnosed with PPD and am seeing a therapist.
you might try one of the stimulants like Adderall XL or Concerta. Often times people with refractory depression find relief. you might also try Abilify. it an Atypical Antipsychotic but often does wonders for depression. I would also start trying some dietary modifications and natural supplimants like amino acids and tryptophan. Food allergies and sensetivities are almost always a contributing factor to depression. Get your thyroid checked and read up on hypoglycemia. Licorice root extract may be very helpful for your lack of energy.
Thanks for the advice. Actually, my doctor said he was going to add Provigil in a few weeks (I think that's considered a stimulant), and I will ask him about Abilify. Yes, I do have thyroid issues, but haven't really gotten that straightened out yet, so I know that is also contributing. My doctor is going to run more blood work in a few weeks so I'll ask him about hypoglycemia also. And I just bought some Omega-3 fish oil tablets so maybe that'll help?
Thanks again for the advice!