Childhood: age 4 molested by neighbors 13 year old son not raped, he actually just told me to suck his dick and I did it even though I felt so wrong and dirty about it, and exstemely embarased to admit that. Does that still count as molestation? 19 and still haven't figured. Self hatred of appearance follows after that. Not long after self hatred of all aspects of being. Loneliness follows through out life. First and only friend during 3rd grade but only when she wasn't emotionally abusing me. Sounds crazy for a nine year old but true I can still remember her face. More self hatred more loneliness. Embarrassment all through out life, some what do to trying to hard to fit in. Junior high crushes but never told truth. One in particular. He actually goes to my college now. Seen him once but didn't say anything to him, less he remember the pathetic loser I was, and the time that girl beat the crap out of me and exposed one of my breasts to school mates. Today I was supposed to hang out with an associate in an attempt to become friends. He called me in the early afternoon like we agreed, but I was still getting ready so I told Him that I would call him back in five minute. I had to fix my eyeliner and iron my sweater you know. So I ended up calling back in about 20 minutes but he wasn't there, the girl who picked up said he would be back in ten minutes so I called back in ten minutes. Wasn't there, called back in about ten more minutes wasn't there, so I asked her to tell him to call back when he got in. That was about five hours ago. Mind you this guy's father had a neurological stroke on Christmas, so I know my life could be allot worse. I mean my father has HIV but I barley even think anything of it because he hasn't been really sick in about three years. I don't even think about it half the time. I'm so selfish. I know this. I've made several other attempts over this Christmas break to make a connection with potential friends and even with a friend of six years whom was my friend by default no one else will have her and no one else will have me. Not negative thinking we both know this. All attempts have failed. 2 because of no phone call on the day we were supposed (non best friends) to meet and the other because, well actually he is or was my friend. I showed him my vulnerability saying things like " your not going to forget about me on Christmas break right?" I guess he got annoyed. But another reason could be because his uncle just died and his grandmother is in the hospital. I took an IQ test on line last night and my IQ was 88 below normal intelligence. I'm drunk right now so please who ever actually reads this excuse the horrible grammar punctuation etcetera. Why is my life so messed up? It's almost as if there's a curse on me. Like I'm destined to be alone forever. I know life is unfair but this is ridiculous. I'm not ugly though some would argue differently I'm petite but I think that if you have an ugly face size means beans. I've seen plenty of "big girls" who I wish I looked like because they had a pretty face confidence and knew how to where there close. Thow I do wish a that I lokked like a XXL model. I'm invisible to all guys except for the 30's and up weirdoes and the like. I JUST WANT TO DIE I WANT IT ALL TO END WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING WHEN YOU JUST DON"T WANT TO BREAK YOUR PARENTS HEARTS AND GO TO HELL. Please nothing about GOD/Jesus, I've already tried that. He couldn’t care less. I'm a grain of sand remember Christian, he just hasn't chosen me. Been praying since age nine. Don't want to hear it for real!!!! Please someone help me I'm in so much pain. And this isn't everything.
I'm sorry you're having a bad time right now. It sucks to be alone during the holidays, and there's no one around during college breaks making it harder to get together with people anyway.
Definitely being molested when you were 4 has had a big impact. It was wrong of him, just like your intuition told you. It wasn't your fault. The average 4 year old girl isn't even 3' 6" tall. The average 13 year old boy is almost 2 feet taller than that! What could you possibly have done to stop this, to protect yourself? Nothing. At 4 you didn't know what the heck this stuff was about so it's not like anyone could say you were asking for it. No one asks for it.
If that happened to me at the same age, I think I would have had a very hard time trusting anyone after that, including myself. Not because I did any thing wrong, but because I was too young to know anything about much at all. At that age your parents are supposed to protect you. It's not something a 4 year old is supposed to have to do or even know how to do.
HAve you talked to anyone about this, ever? Do you parents even know?
Unfortunately, what you are saying about how things went after this boy did this to you, feeling like you're on the outside, is fairly common. Seeing a counselor/therapist can make a difference. It might be the time to see if it would make a difference for you. I'm so sorry you've been carrying this around for such a long time, alone. HUGS.
You were sexually assulted at age 4. you were not at age to make an informed decision. it was child sexual assault. find a good counsellor that you are comfortable with (persist until you find the right one) and see them for ongoing work over at least a few months. you may be depressed and you may also have social anxiety. A good therapist can help you if you are willing to work at this.