I don't know. Tonight I'm feeling really crappy. I want to do something but I dont know what to do. I'm lost and confused and lonely. I sit here reading through all the posts people make and I feel stupid for feeling like this.
I'm 24 years old. I have no job, I can't get a job, no one will hire me. I have severe asthma and I am very overweight. I have not had a bad past, aside from the favouritism my parents express towards my sister, and even my brother has expressed that he notices it. Never been raped, never been molested. Parents are still together and getting along.
I just dont know what is wrong with me.. I have almost no friends, even online I have no friends. I hate being alone, it drives me crazy. It's always at nighttime when I feel like this, so sad, so alone and so completely worthless. I wish I could just cry myself into a sleepy stupor and just pass out and never wake up again. When I get like this, I feel like nothing will make me happy. I have no health insurance and the one morning I freaked out so badly I called the counseling center. They put me on 10mg Lexapro pills, and I go back next week, but nothing really happened. Aside from a side effect that I previously mentioned on here out of curiousity, I'm not feeling any happier or any lighter and my moods still seem severe. I feel so completely hopeless.. My parents are screaming at me to get a job, my mother expresses to me how she's afraid I'm never going to make it anywhere. When I try to tell her how awful I feel, she blows it off like it's nothing.. I have two friends, one is engaged and completely enthralled with her boyfriend and the other is completely enthralled with herself. It's like no one sees me, I'm here and screaming and crying and wanting help and no one wants to deal with me.. Who can blame them.. I just don't know what to do, nothing is helping, nothing is making me feel better and I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever.
I don't even know what I'm asking for on here.. I don't even know why I'm writing this.. I'm just sitting here crying and typing and hating myself... I just need .. something.. x.x
Without discounting the possible need for medication, I often recommend for those depressed to do an internet search on Cognitive Behvior and Rational Emotive Therapy. It's useful information, doesn't cost anything to read about and might prove helpful. Also, keep in mind that it's ok to feel depressed and down now and then, but it's a problem if we get depressed about being depressed or if we start telling ourselves that we're no good and worthless because we don't feel good, don't have a job, don't have a boyfriend, etc...Allow yourself the time and space to feel down and out without trying to feel better. Just accept that side of being human for a while and see if it doesn't lighten up on its own without effort on your part. It can take a couple of weeks but often the pressure we put on ourselves to feel good causes us to feel bad.
Depression can come in many forms it could be freom a disastorus childhood or other significant factor in your life that has not been dealt with or it cou;d be chemical depression which there is no control over and you will need meds to control. Go to the counseling and hopefully that will help. Its healthy to vent and this site is great place to do it, even if we can not help at least you let some emotions go.
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Thank you for writing, I don't know why I feel like that sometimes, but I always notice it after Christmas ends. It feels like after Christmas, there is nothing to look forward to except the long dreary winter. Being that I am having such a hard time trying to find a job and I spend so much at home due to having no income to go anywhere or do anything, or even having a place to go to for work, I guess I get cabin fever a lot.
I will look into what you mentioned, Kenwae, thank you. I am planning on continueing to go to my counseling and when I get a job + insurance, maybe finding someone I can choose that I know I definitely feel comfortable with, knowing I have options.
When I get those mood swings like I had last night, they are so overpowering and I feel like I have no control. I feel useless to stop them and I dont know what to do.. I don't like to complain to people, I hate crying in front of people, I'm so insecure. Thank you for listening and responding to what I wrote, I am feeling much better today. I just hope that I can feel this way more often rather than how I felt last night - and I look forward to working my way toward that ( if its possible anyway. ) *hugs*
Last edited by completely_lost; 12-30-2006 at 11:50 AM.