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Old 12-30-2006, 06:26 PM   #1
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pucca_chick HB User
wish i could........

i wish i was good. im 18 and going nowhere. its like ive just realised what i always in the background known was there. ive always been kidding myself. in primary school i was thick, i was weird, i was quiet and a social mess, i never listened and was always in detention and failing everything. then eventually i picked up a bit and am in UNI now-but im failing again and i just cant help it. its not even if i work hard at it i can fix it-ive lost control.

im soo stuck. therapy isnt my turn yet, i soo badly want to cut but havent in 3 weeks. im on this site right now that shows pics of cutting and i miss it sooooo much, i miss having something to look after or a feeling on my body or seeing my own blood. i want to move outta my house but cannot afford it yet as i have no job-which i have to get back at the end of the month. i hate the place and it would depress even a normal person. but its my only option and my parents wont shut up about it. even with this job ill have to work all the hours god sends to pay rent and stuff, then i cant focus on my degree in general and i feel like just sleeping constantly and cutting. i have no freinds to go out with on new yrs as theyre all busy with their lives-but really i just wanna be alone.i have mno boyfreind for different reasons, which my mother reminds me alot that its weird. so right now im failing UNI, jobless, boyfreindless and have few freinds and im a social loser and in general a complete and total mental case-great. i wish i was different, its impossable to live like this forever, why cant it just be better, why even when i try and say over again to myself that things are good, and when i try to see the good in everything-why does it not work, i still dont feel the good or anything for that matter-whats the point then-why should i not just then cut??? im scared im going nowehre, its not like when i was 14 and i could try my hardest to feel and do something and if get a vague sense of optimism-i have nothing. its really like a severe disorder, i have no control-about as much control as someone who has terminal cancer-im so overwhelmed and im alone as my doc is on her holidays this week, i called my only other freind i told and she was going out with her boyfreind. im 18-too old for someonme to try and understand really or properly care, im not a child anymore and people are alot less synpathtic with this sorta thing-but i still feel like im 8. please help i feel crap. xox
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Old 12-30-2006, 07:50 PM   #2
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Re: wish i could........

A lot of people feel like crap this time of year, I do. It is great to hear that you have gone three weeks without cutting that shows a lot of inner strength and restraint you should feel proud. Right now you should concentrate on yourself and to try and give other areas not so much attention. Once you get healthy everything will fall into place.

trg247
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Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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Old 12-31-2006, 06:55 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: wish i could........

Pucca, this is my take on what is going on with you now. You have spent the majority of your life so far trying to contain/control this monster (the sexual abuse). It has consumed your life and taken over. You are at a point now where you have a little bit of extra time on your hands because you don't have to spend so much time anymore managing this monster (because you have realized some things and moved along a bit in your self-awareness and discovery about yourself). What you are realizing, however, is that there is some empty space (normal "things" are absent because you haven't been living your life but just managing the monster).

I have seen the problems with your university coming because you haven't been able to focus on it. You haven't been able to focus on it for good reason! It isn't because you are "thick". It is because you are very distracted with trying to function.

When you get to a point where all of this is behind you, you are going to be a FANTASTIC person. What you have gone through is going to make you so strong and wise and compassionate. You will have wisdom beyond your years because you have gone through so much and you will appreciate your life so much. If I wouldn't have gone through what I have gone through in getting my head and emotions together I would be just a sliver of the person that I am now.

You have done a really good job in not self-harming! I would not worry about a boyfriend, try to ignore your mother's comments. You are not in a place right now where you can have a boyfriend. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 28! (He is my wonderful husband now!). There was no way that I could have had a boyfriend until I sorted out all of my issues. I was not willing to settle for a bad relationship just to have a boyfriend.

Maybe you are not seeing the good in everything because you still have a lot of heavy emotional issues to sort out and they are just weighing you down. I could never cast aside my problems and pretend they were not there. I had to fix my issues before I could truly be happy. I can't wait until you can get into counseling!

The guy who posts from Hawaii (sorry that I forgot your name!) wrote that a person should surrender to the depression and accept it instead of trying to fight it. I thought that that was a good idea, to accept that you feel bad and relax about it. Not to stop trying to get better but stop using all of your energy to run from it. When you wrote that you don't have any control over your depression anymore this brought the above idea into my head.

Darling Pucca, I can't wait for the day when you have this all behind you. I wish there was a way that I could help you feel better. Keep posting!

Last edited by Sannah; 12-31-2006 at 06:58 AM.

 
Old 12-31-2006, 08:54 AM   #4
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: wish i could........

dear pucca,

i completely and absolutely agree with sannah!!!! i couldn't add another word!!!

keep going, girl!!

 
Old 12-31-2006, 08:55 AM   #5
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: wish i could........

and trg put it very well too!! you should be proud of yourself for showing so much inner strength and self-restraint!!!!

blessings!!!

 
Old 12-31-2006, 09:06 AM   #6
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Lydia111 HB User
Re: wish i could........

You are still young and getting to know what the world is about, and yourself. I think you'll find that many, if not most, people feel that they don't fit in or live up to what they think they should be. While other people admire them more than they know.
High school, especially these days, can make anyone go crazy. At 18 years old, you can't possibly know where your life is going to take you.

Last edited by Lydia111; 12-31-2006 at 09:08 AM.

 
Old 01-01-2007, 06:46 AM   #7
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Re: wish i could........

hey guys thanks for all your replies-really appreciate them all. sannah you make so much sense even when i cant see it, you really untangle alot of the mess in my head with each post-thanks! happy new year, xox
__________________
My hands are small
i know
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken

 
Old 01-01-2007, 07:59 AM   #8
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,178
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: wish i could........

Pucca, I am so glad that I can help you! It is my pleasure to have my young friend on the other side of the Atlantic!

 
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