I really thought that I had beaten my feelings of inferiority but I've come to realise I'm just a social outcast, who cannot form relationships/friendships. I'm so scared of never really beloning, or having a girlfriend to spend my life with. I see people who are happy because they have partners, and a group of close friends, laughing, having the time of their lives, and I feel so jealous.
My feelings have started again after last night; I went out for a meal in a pub with friends from work(or aquantinces? because I dont know how to form close friendships). As I am a shy and quiet person, and the only way I can feel relaxed socially is by getting drunk,( but I was driving, so didn't drink) I just sat there pretending to enjoy myself, but I just dont know how to start a conversation or how to keep it going.
In social situations I kind of feel like I'm spaced out and dont feel connected to the other people. I'm an outcast and I fear I'll always be this way.
Therag, I know what you are talking about. I have been out with people who I couldn't connect with either. What I discovered with this, however, is that they were not people who were like me. These were people from your work and maybe you all have different interests? What are your interests Therag? What things were these people talking about last night?
My interests are cars, music, Tv, shooting, playing guitar, and many more.
It's not what they were talking about, it's just that I'm better talking one to one, but when I'm in a group I feel like I don't get heard, and that everyone's to busy talking to each other. I have always been shy and find it hard in groups.
Therag, those are really cool interests. Do you hate to have the whole group looking at you while you are speaking? I used to be that way. I think that people like that purposely don't speak out in a group because you don't want everyone looking at them at once. If this is true for you then you need to understand why you don't want to be in the spotlight. For me it was because I didn't think that I was very valuable and I didn't want anyone to expose me for who I really was, especially in front of a group of people. I have come to value myself now so I am no longer afraid of being in the spotlight so much. I also think that my Narcissistic mother taught me to feel bad about being the center of attention. Only she was to be the center of attention and I must have experienced her wrath in some way if I tried to get any attention?
Therag, don't lose heart. I felt this way for so many years (still do sometimes). However, I'm come to realise that some people are sensitive souls and are not meant to run with the pack. I accept that I will never be the centre of attention (no longer wish to be) and will always be a far better listener than talker. That's OK. I no longer have to get legless to feel like I'm having fun.
It's really difficult, but if you can learn to be happy within yourself and not count on other people/things to make you happy, you will have discovered so much.
I have always felt a fear of critisism and what people really think about me, I think it stems from my school days. I got snide remarks every day, from about the age of 8 until 16, and then when I went to college I thought they would stop, and then my first job was the same when I was 19. I was poked fun at in various ways fro example; I was quite a chubby kid until I developed anorexia at the age of 15, (I've been a healthy weight ever since though), I had trouble with pronouncing some letters although I was top of the class at spelling tests, Used to walk on the street with my sister, get called freaks!(for no apparent reason). Basically any faults people would see they would make it clear. It wasn't only confined to school, it was also family members such as my great uncle, and also my next door neighbour, who used to comment on how ''Fat you have got!'', and worse than that one day I was going to our Sunday school Christmas party, and I couldn't get my jeans to fit and my dad also commented on how fat I had become.
I know this is all in the past now but it still affects me socially.
I have always felt a fear of critisism and what people really think about me
Therag, this was what I was talking about. This fear is what is holding you back. You are CHOOSING to not interact with others because if you do interact you might be criticized. I think that people who are insecure themselves look out for others who appear insecure and then they make a terrible comment to this person. In order for these insecure people to not find you, you have to hold your head up and feel secure about yourself. A person really can have this insecurity all over his face.
What these people in your past have said about you were really mean things. Don't believe them Therag. You sound like a wonderful person and you have to come to believe this! I would avoid negative people like this and when someone makes a comment like this, like your uncle or your neighbor, give them a look that says "wow, you are rude!" But above all, hold up your head and be in charge of how you feel about yourself! Do not GIVE others the power to make you feel bad about yourself!
Social inferiority; I've been living in western New York for 8 yrs now,and I'm having the same problems with trying to connect w/ ohter people!I have a couple of "friends" who I met at a local bar when I first moved here. But I am fed up with the fact that all they want to do is go drinking. I often ask myself, why is this all that they want to do? I am finally getting my life together. I'm a sophomore at a college around here. I'm happy with the degree I'm pursuing, but this seems to be the only thing I have going. Feeling outcast is something I've struggled with my entire life! I wasn't popular in high school, and at 16 was diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome. I contracted it when, also at age 16, I finally got chickenppox. The neurologists I saw said it probably came on from the high fever I got from the pox. I no longer have any of the symptoms,thank God; they said my illness jsut went away. No, I'm not making this up. I've been through enough for this to be a lie. Anyway, I went from having 1 friend to being the object of ridicule in my school and in my hometown. This problem only got worse because my father started to yell at me for having the tics associated with Tourette's and then he told me that I was strange and odd. I'm telling you this not besause I want to be felt sorry for. I stopped wishing for that 10 years ago. I've had countless kids in my school ridicule me, as well as former employers. NOwadays, I no longer see myself as a source of someone else's amusement, but I still struggle with the fact that I don't have any real friends. Sometimes, it can be so tough, and I still get very angry at this, but somehow, I keep my head held high. I think that it's because I have confidence in where my future is going careerwise and that I still have my brother and mother, both whom have never turned their backs on me and my problems. Maybe the only thing to do right now at this point in my life is to talk with people who are going thru similar problems. I'm glad that I found this website. Sorry this message is so long, but it's been a while since I've really talked about my problems! Try talking to your family abut what you're going thru, even if u think it won't help much. I bet you'll feel a little better just venting your frustrations! Keep your head up, brother.
Tired, I think that you are still suffering about what happened when you had Tourettes. Convince yourself that it was in the past and try to heal the wounds that it caused. That would be a traumatic thing to go through, especially when your own father was ashamed.
I can relate to what you're feeling Therag. I often have a hard time really connecting with people. Sometimes I think it's me, and other times I think it's just that I haven't found many other "sensitive souls" as someone put it. Most of the time I just feel out of place. I don't know how to make small talk, I don't enjoy it. And that's all people in my office do all day is make small talk. It's the "hey, how are yous?" when I feel like they don't really care about your response. If that makes any sense. I wish I could just find people to talk to that understand me and really want to listen. I can be out with a group of "friends" and still feel all alone. Like I'm detached and want to be somewhere else. And someone mentioned that all their friends like to do is go out and drink. I struggled with that all through college. I felt like I had to go out and drink if I wanted friends or something to do. I've been called weird by a few people and sometimes I just shrug it off and sometimes it gets to me. I think when it comes down to it I really don't want to fit in that badly. But it can be lonely sometimes.
I like to hear the stories of others, and who isn't fascinated by celebrities, especially when they give an honest answer. Robin Williams said that when he was little, he was alone in this huge mansion, and very lonely. No friends. He used to make up these characters and do little skits to amuse himself.
I think that it's a recurring theme with artists, performers, writers, and sensitive people, the common trait of feeling that we can't fit in with the crowd. And listening to the mindless blather and seeing the dumb behavior of the pack, thank goodness for people like us!
monann, sounds like you just haven't found your kind of people yet. Are you an artistic type who is living in an area where the people are superficial? Maybe you need to find people who are passionate about what you are passionate about. For me I have found that I like to be around liberal, intellectual hippie types who care about the environment, politics, different cultures, and aren't afraid to explore different topics.
I am an artistic type, I'm a writer. And I feel like I'm surrounded by superficial people, you hit the nail on the head! They equate money and material things with success, but I don't think that way at all. All I feel like people talk about are their cars/houses/clothes. Ugh it's so frustrating! And people are so competitive too, and I am the most non-competitive person out there. You're right Sannah, I need to surround myself with people who are passionate like I am. I am so passionate about my writing and I really want to make a difference. I feel like I am starting to make changes in that direction, I have started to separate myself from those "friends" that are obsessed with superficial things and outdoing each other, and I'm really doing some soul searching and trying to find open-minded people like myself. I know it will take time, I hope it starts to happen soon!
Monann, do you live close to a college or university? How about joining a book club or an activist organization? A Universalist church? I am trying to think of where liberal, open minded intellectual people hang out. We have an area in Louisville, KY called the Highlands. It is an area of the city where all the cool businesses and restaurants are and most people who buy houses there are liberal intellectuals.
I acutally do live close to a university, I'll have to look into some organizations to join. I don't know much about the Universalist church, I'll look into that as well. Thank you for the suggestions!
I have the same problem. But its on and off but I always feel left out when there's a group of people. Im afaird I will say the wrong thing and stuff they say just can't carry on a conversation. Its jokes that I ccan't even relate to. And when I do talk, everybody just ignore me or they think its stupid. I stopped having that problem about a 3 yrs ago and all of a sudden I became really shy again. I tried to hang out with all different kinds of groups and I just felt really bored and left out. Then I started to stay home and watch tv because I enjoyed staying home then going out. I think it's self-esteem. Do you have a lack of confidence?