Depression, Apathy, OCD, WHATTT?
Since 7th grade I have been struggling with OCD. I was having really disturbing thoughts about hurting people that wouldn't go away. I used Paxil for 2 years (60mg/day) , it worked, but not completely. I felt there might have been something better for me.
I was then put on Zoloft, which took away these obsessive thoughts like a charm. However I was on 200mg/day for my OCD and I was experiencing some symptoms from Zoloft.
Along with the Zoloft, I was prescribed Klonapin (this is around 10th grade) at 1mg/day.
I began to lose focus in class (this went on for awhile before addressing the problem medically) and was later put on Ritalin. Now at this point I was like ADD and OCD at the same time?! Whaat?! However, I gradually reduced my dose of Zoloft and noticed I could coherently reduce my Ritalin dose.
By this time, my Klonapin had been upped to 3mg incrementally per day due to the social anxiety that the Ritalin brought out.
To this day I really don't know for certain what effects were causing what, but this series of events has lead up to my current problem.
I began to feel sick and tired of being sick and tired- heh. In about 11th grade, my problems consisted mostly of bouncing around with the withdrawls of each medication (Ritalin, Klonapin, and Zoloft). I hated the inconsistency and desired to find some solidarity. I had already done this partly by using Conceta instead of Ritalin- which is just an extended release of the same med.
At the end of 11th grade I chose to reduce my medications as much as I could until I could feel the symptoms of a particular disorder, and then go back up a little bit. I was very concerned with the amount of drugs I was taking and felt that the side effects had been giving me more problems than the ones I initially had.
I got to a point where I was at 75mg Zoloft, 18mg Concerta (down from 36mg), and 3mg Klonapin a day. My main issue at this point was my lack of desire to do anything. I noticed that I felt absolutely no emotion-- I haven't cried for months, or even been sad. I felt ****ed up and desperate. I believe I was still recieving a good result from the Zoloft since I wasn't having any of my obsessive thoughts, but the height at which my Zoloft was once at may have played a factor in my feelings here and my feelings now.
I slowly dropped Zoloft and Concerta, but not Klonapin, so I could try other things. It has been over 5 months since my initial drop from 200mg Zoloft, and over 1 and a half months from my drop from 75mg dose. I have now been on the EMSAM patch for about 2 weeks. My decision to go on EMSAM was primarily based on my lack of drive, lack of emotion, lack of purpose, hopelessness, and lack of concentration in class.
It's frustrating, however, how all of these factors are so similar. My lack of concentration may be due to hopelessness. It could also be due to obsessive dwelling on the issue at hand. It's hard to seperate my obsessive thoughts from my "depression" because I believe that depressed people probably dwell on their problem and think about it a lot just as one may obsessive about something. These common factors are causing me to be very indecisive in my approach of my problem at hand.
The way I feel now is very difficult to describe because of my history of issues and the very possible chance that I have depression. Heck, someone who loses their legs has a much larger chance of getting depression, and I don't see OCD and social problems any differently.
If I were to try to say how I feel it would be this:
-no sense of responsibility
-my thoughts are restricted to my problems
-I don't seek friends anymore
-nothing is fun/ I don't enjoy things I used to
-I'm feeling sexual desire like I used to
-I can't concentrate (my mind feels like scrambled eggs)
-I don't like to go out
I feel that many of these problems are symptoms of depression, but I also feel that there are too many other factors at play to truly decide why I feel this way. My history of ADD, OCD, and medication withdrawl may play huge factors in this story. I just don't know what to do. The EMSAM is supposed to take 3 weeks for me to feel it (my sleep is worsening and I have more energy, so I think I already am) but I don't really know if it will help.
I have all the resources I need to get help. I have supportive parents who will support my medical stuff financially. I'm hooked up with a psychiatrist. I have been doing EEG biofeedback for about half a year, and I have a great therapist. I just don't know what to do. I feel that I have hit a dead end with the people I am currently being helped with.. that my problem is more than they can handle. I need some advice from an outsider and some analysis on my medical history would be great.
Re: Depression, Apathy, OCD, WHATTT?
You present a good bit of history. The symptoms sound like depression; but, as you note, there are other factors involved. You sound insightful and it appears you are fortunate enough to have the financial and emotional resources to move forward. The question seems to be where to? My suggestions are to do some internet research on depression; see what's new and available out there. Have you experimented with diet? I mean radically - raw foods, fresh juices, etc. Do some internet searching on raw animal fat diet, raw food diet - see if that opens any new doors for you. Homeophathics? Accupuncture? Although I don't think Cognitive Behavior Therapy is terribly effective for biochemical based depression, it can help lean the mind more towards rational thinking about the depression. If you're not familiar with that, that also is worth some internet research. Hope that's at least a tad bit helpful. Good luck.
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