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Old 01-02-2007, 05:06 PM   #1
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ILiveForMyKIDS HB User
One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

-Warning. This is complicated and long. Don't feel like you have to read.-

This might be VERY long, but it's taken quite a while for me to be able to express myself. A little history. I'm young. Have 2 kids, and a wife. I'm working in construction through a small company I own. Decided that construction in wasn't for me. So I decided to go back to school. I'm almost done with school, in the medical field.

A bit more of history. Come from a very broken family. I'm a perfectionist. I have some OCD. A christian. And try to live very morally upright.

I was already stressed out, majorly. Working, School, Family, remodeling our house, kids, medical problems. The whole works. It was difficult, but I was getting through.

More history. Part of my perfection and OCD problem is when I was dating I wouldn't date someone that wasn't a virgin, because I was waiting until I was married, and I expected the same appreciation.

My wife and I have only been with each other.

After non-stop going. Things started changing. My wife started dressing better for no reason. Stopped talking about what she was doing during the day. I would catch her in lies. Very little lies, but very constant lies.

After coming home from a clinical at the hospital, which I left about 3 hours early due to being overstressed. Coming down my street I could tell something wasn't going to be right.

When I got home. I usually knock, and my wife lets me in. This time, I was very curious, so I snuck in really quitely. My wife wasn't trying to call someone on her phone. I completely caught her off guard as she didn't know I was in the house. LONG story short I found out she cheated on me.

I couldn't hardly breathe. It's funny in a way, that being in the medical field, you know that panic attacks aren't going to kill you, and usually they reside fairly shortly. Yeah, well, helping someone through one, and having on are completely DIFFERENT. I have a new sympathy.

I went outside, crying on the ground. Fell to my knees. My world just crashed in. I felt like everything I worked for and was working for had suddenly just been earased. I layed on the concrete driveway, concentrating on breathing. To make matters work. I have asmtha. So I started getting an asmtha attack in the middle of all this. The "impending doom" factor starting sinking in. On several occasions I almost called an ambulance, but that was last resort.

After a few hours of this most depressing part of my life, I decided enough was enough. I drove myself to the ER (bad idea in the state of mind I was in) and told them I needed ativan or xanax immediately. I was crying, hysterical, demanding, and probably hostile. I couldn'thardly tell them what was going on, other than I needed a benzo. The doctor finally came in, and I barely got the words out. She gave me ativan. 0.25 mg PO. I was more ******. 0.25 mg wasn't going to do sh** how upset I was. I don't go to the ER for nothing. I asked them to admit me into the hospital as I was going crazy and couldn't control my emotions, and didn't know how I was going to respond. They said unless your suicidal or homicidal we can't admit me. Made me more ******. I was already upset. I was asking for help, and felt completely abondoned. She gave me a prescription for xanax, and sent me on my way. I left the ER, crying more. I felt so low. So hurt. Like nothing. That all the work, love, and energy was such a waste.

Went to walgreens. Got my 0.5 mg Xanax. 20 of them. Take 1 every 4 hours. Yeah. Well. It didn't do anything. I was still hysterical. Called my primary and his partner returned my call promtly. Told me to take 4 xanx 2.0mg and wait 20 minutes. And take up to 4 mg. He said after that, call an ambulance. I could hardly talk to him.

Later that day..................Called up my therapist I was seeing about insomnia. She knew my history, and the stress, and everything, and new this was something I just couldn't handle. She called the ins company, the hospital and an ambulance. They admitted me in the "phscy" ward.

Basically they sedated the crap out of me. Which is probably what I needed. I felt like a little kid being in the hospital. Went from being the man in charge, to being told when I could eat, shower, etc. I'm not going into more and more detail, bc nobody will read this if I continue on forever.

Here's the thing.
These are the meds I have:
I don't take all of these daily. But I have Albuterol for asmtha. Ambien for times when I really can't sleep.

New meds:
Prozac 30mg per day
Tradadone 100mg at night
Xanax 0.5mg Three times a day
Lamictal 100mg in the morning 100mg at night

Ok. So now I go from a person who doesn't like to take tylenlol for a headache to completley drugged.

I've been on this stuff for a few months now. The first time I'm able to really think and talk about it. I got sick last night, and ended up not taking my lamictal. Today I feel so much more alive. I can think! I'm a person! Usually I'm so just blah............and I used to be entrepuner type. Completely different midset.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Mostly needed to express my emotions.
I am looking for someone, if there is who takes a simialry regimen of drugs, and how it works for them. I think the prozac and xanax is good. But that lamictal just makes me so numb, which I know it's what's it's supposed to do. Its hard to enjoy life. I have to babies, and they mean the world to me, and I would like to be able to enjoy them more then I've been able to. Being numb is good when your really angry. So you dron't do anything you might regret. Like killing certain people. Although it's good in that aspect, it's destroying me in others. So far it's a lose lose situation. I know the pharmacolgoy, interactions, side effects and all that medical stuff. But I want real life, real people information not what receptors and enzymes bind to what.

Don't feel sorry for me, as today is probably one of the best days I've felt in a very long time. If you could give me information on how you feel with the drugs it would be GREATLY apprecaited.

I strive for perfection. Therapist says to try to settle for a B instead of a 100%, so I'm not going to edit this, and try to get a "B" so sorry for grammer errors. Typing this isn't the easiest thing to do.

If you read all this. Thank You. If you didn't. I understand. It's long. I pray for everyone out there with struggles in their life. I'm usually the one helping others. This time, I really need the help.

Thank you.
J

 
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Old 01-02-2007, 07:34 PM   #2
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

Wow thats some story. It sounds like your system was overloaded and it crashed and now you are picking up the pieces. You need to take control of your life but your going to have to take little steps. The meds will help but they are not going to take care of the problems. I take 5 different prescriptions everyday so I know what feeling zoned out is like. Keep writing letting it all out as we are veny nonjudgemental here and are just trying to help.

trg247
__________________
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
Pristiq
Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam

 
Old 01-03-2007, 05:17 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

J, are you in counseling? I think that you need to go back to that "very broken home" and figure out what you didn't get from it and work on giving yourself what you need. You said that you are the one who is usually helping others. Now it is time to focus on YOU. Do you think that you want to be perfect so that your parents will finally love you? As for the OCD, do you feel like life will be "okay" if you can maintain control?

 
Old 01-03-2007, 01:30 PM   #4
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penniedad HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

pills will not do it, i went threw that ,my husband had a baby with someone, anyway i ended up on drugs,its been 25 yrs of hell, the best thing i did was find god, YES GOD!!I KNOW ......BUT IT WORKED , GIVE ALL THE HURT TO GOD!HURT IS HELL, BUT YOU WILL AND CAN LOVE AGAIN,,, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, PUT YOUR HEAD UP AND ASK GOD TO BRING YOU THAT LOVE , ONE THAT WILL LAST.......HUG HUG HUG LOVE PENNIE YOU RE NOT ALONE

 
Old 01-06-2007, 11:07 PM   #5
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ILiveForMyKIDS HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

Pills.....Im already becoming dependant on the xanax. I need them. I really do. They help me calm down tremdously. I'm usually a very rational, and compasionate individual, however this situation has made me very hostile at times, and that is why I'm very thankful I have the medicine. Thank all of you for helping so much.

J

 
Old 01-07-2007, 12:07 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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Mokie HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

hello. i read your story. i know it wasn't easy writing all that but sometimes we have to just pour it on. you know we do what we have to do. i'm a christian also and for me to give in and take medication for major depression was very hard for me to accept. i had to admit to myself i needed help. i couldn't deal with it alone any longer.

i'm on prozac. also take ambian cr for when i want/need to sleep. i tried a couple other drugs before prozac but they did't work. prozac is great for me. i take 20mg capsules. 1 one day then 2 the next then one and so on. evens out to 30mg my psychiatrist says. what ever.... its working for me. i HAVE to have it. i feel like a total failure having to take medication to handle depression but i have to. i can't do this anymore. i can tell if i miss one day. ONE day....i never used to be like this. but it took a petloss, surgery, the loss of my parents years ago that all added up. plus i grew up not feeling loved at all.

what ever the circumstances, as christians we are not immune to all this. we have our trials to go through. i hate it. having depression. its never ending feeling like a total worthless, useless, wich i wasn't here disease. only on prozac am i able to live a more normal life. otherwise i was to the point of suicide. doing self harm...cutting as they call it..cause i hurt so much inside i had to release it somehow. i pray for better days for you.

 
Old 01-07-2007, 05:21 PM   #7
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Buffalo Mom HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

Are you still around and check in now and then?
I just stumbled onto your post and my heart goes out to you and I think I can help.....Please post if you come back to your original post........ You REALLY need a hug and some sound advice.

 
Old 01-08-2007, 03:26 AM   #8
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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ryebeach HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILiveForMyKIDS
-Warning. This is complicated and long. Don't feel like you have to read.-

This might be VERY long, but it's taken quite a while for me to be able to express myself. A little history. I'm young. Have 2 kids, and a wife. I'm working in construction through a small company I own. Decided that construction in wasn't for me. So I decided to go back to school. I'm almost done with school, in the medical field.

A bit more of history. Come from a very broken family. I'm a perfectionist. I have some OCD. A christian. And try to live very morally upright.

I was already stressed out, majorly. Working, School, Family, remodeling our house, kids, medical problems. The whole works. It was difficult, but I was getting through.

More history. Part of my perfection and OCD problem is when I was dating I wouldn't date someone that wasn't a virgin, because I was waiting until I was married, and I expected the same appreciation.

My wife and I have only been with each other.

After non-stop going. Things started changing. My wife started dressing better for no reason. Stopped talking about what she was doing during the day. I would catch her in lies. Very little lies, but very constant lies.

After coming home from a clinical at the hospital, which I left about 3 hours early due to being overstressed. Coming down my street I could tell something wasn't going to be right.

When I got home. I usually knock, and my wife lets me in. This time, I was very curious, so I snuck in really quitely. My wife wasn't trying to call someone on her phone. I completely caught her off guard as she didn't know I was in the house. LONG story short I found out she cheated on me.

I couldn't hardly breathe. It's funny in a way, that being in the medical field, you know that panic attacks aren't going to kill you, and usually they reside fairly shortly. Yeah, well, helping someone through one, and having on are completely DIFFERENT. I have a new sympathy.

I went outside, crying on the ground. Fell to my knees. My world just crashed in. I felt like everything I worked for and was working for had suddenly just been earased. I layed on the concrete driveway, concentrating on breathing. To make matters work. I have asmtha. So I started getting an asmtha attack in the middle of all this. The "impending doom" factor starting sinking in. On several occasions I almost called an ambulance, but that was last resort.

After a few hours of this most depressing part of my life, I decided enough was enough. I drove myself to the ER (bad idea in the state of mind I was in) and told them I needed ativan or xanax immediately. I was crying, hysterical, demanding, and probably hostile. I couldn'thardly tell them what was going on, other than I needed a benzo. The doctor finally came in, and I barely got the words out. She gave me ativan. 0.25 mg PO. I was more ******. 0.25 mg wasn't going to do sh** how upset I was. I don't go to the ER for nothing. I asked them to admit me into the hospital as I was going crazy and couldn't control my emotions, and didn't know how I was going to respond. They said unless your suicidal or homicidal we can't admit me. Made me more ******. I was already upset. I was asking for help, and felt completely abondoned. She gave me a prescription for xanax, and sent me on my way. I left the ER, crying more. I felt so low. So hurt. Like nothing. That all the work, love, and energy was such a waste.

Went to walgreens. Got my 0.5 mg Xanax. 20 of them. Take 1 every 4 hours. Yeah. Well. It didn't do anything. I was still hysterical. Called my primary and his partner returned my call promtly. Told me to take 4 xanx 2.0mg and wait 20 minutes. And take up to 4 mg. He said after that, call an ambulance. I could hardly talk to him.

Later that day..................Called up my therapist I was seeing about insomnia. She knew my history, and the stress, and everything, and new this was something I just couldn't handle. She called the ins company, the hospital and an ambulance. They admitted me in the "phscy" ward.

Basically they sedated the crap out of me. Which is probably what I needed. I felt like a little kid being in the hospital. Went from being the man in charge, to being told when I could eat, shower, etc. I'm not going into more and more detail, bc nobody will read this if I continue on forever.

Here's the thing.
These are the meds I have:
I don't take all of these daily. But I have Albuterol for asmtha. Ambien for times when I really can't sleep.

New meds:
Prozac 30mg per day
Tradadone 100mg at night
Xanax 0.5mg Three times a day
Lamictal 100mg in the morning 100mg at night

Ok. So now I go from a person who doesn't like to take tylenlol for a headache to completley drugged.

I've been on this stuff for a few months now. The first time I'm able to really think and talk about it. I got sick last night, and ended up not taking my lamictal. Today I feel so much more alive. I can think! I'm a person! Usually I'm so just blah............and I used to be entrepuner type. Completely different midset.

I'm not looking for sympathy. Mostly needed to express my emotions.
I am looking for someone, if there is who takes a simialry regimen of drugs, and how it works for them. I think the prozac and xanax is good. But that lamictal just makes me so numb, which I know it's what's it's supposed to do. Its hard to enjoy life. I have to babies, and they mean the world to me, and I would like to be able to enjoy them more then I've been able to. Being numb is good when your really angry. So you dron't do anything you might regret. Like killing certain people. Although it's good in that aspect, it's destroying me in others. So far it's a lose lose situation. I know the pharmacolgoy, interactions, side effects and all that medical stuff. But I want real life, real people information not what receptors and enzymes bind to what.

Don't feel sorry for me, as today is probably one of the best days I've felt in a very long time. If you could give me information on how you feel with the drugs it would be GREATLY apprecaited.

I strive for perfection. Therapist says to try to settle for a B instead of a 100%, so I'm not going to edit this, and try to get a "B" so sorry for grammer errors. Typing this isn't the easiest thing to do.

If you read all this. Thank You. If you didn't. I understand. It's long. I pray for everyone out there with struggles in their life. I'm usually the one helping others. This time, I really need the help.

Thank you.
J
My son takes lamictal for seizures what did they prescribe it to you for ? it made him see double at first because it increased his level of tegretol which i had to figure out myself by going on line to every site i could think for seizures and drug interactions they decreased the tegretol in the am by 200 mg and tht helped I do know what you are going through I found out a month ago after 20 years of marriage my husband had hit on every friend of mine we ever knew and had a one night fling with a person i knew of probably many others too who knows i am sick with lyme disease as well so that makes it extremely difficult i take 1 mg of xanax 2xs a day and efexor for deppression and i am on iv antibiotics for the lyme I have good days and bad days We are still together but boy it is difficult to deal with I guess there will be a conclusion He has agreed to see a therapist but has not made an appointment yet I don't know if he will or not The lies and other signs weere all there but when i got sicker from the lyme it all came crashing down and hit me full force I also came from a broken home which my mom raised six of us in the 50's which was very difficult for her i give 100% also but never seem to receive the same I got through raisng a son from a previous marriage who had an anurysm at 10 months with a disablility and seizures thought everything was on an even keel and then the lyme and marriage stuff i had a litlle stroke when i first heard about him and have almost recovered from the small stroke didn't know what day it was for about 3 weeks It took me 14 years of being a single parent to remarry I had my son at age 16 only stayed with his terribly abusive father for 2 yrs that was quite enough Then i think iI met the right one nice gentleman everyone adores and then this Hang in there
boy can i relate

 
Old 01-08-2007, 02:30 PM   #9
XOX XOX is offline
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XOX HB User
Re: One Struggle after another. I can't deal with much more.

Wow, anybody would have been so hurt and depressed like that. But at least you were in love before. There are some people who never really dated and never found the right one. At least you had the happy times with her before.

 
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