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Old 01-12-2007, 08:39 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Worcester, MA
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finegane HB User
Question first timer

Hello,
My name is Erica and I am a 20 year old college student in MA. Ive been struggling with depression for about 7 years now, and have recently (within the past 6 months or so) gotten it under control. Im taking medication, attending regular therapy sessions, and overall, feel really good. the only thing i cant seem to get past is that i was hospitalized in march of 2006. i was there for a week, and it was absolutely the worst time of my entire life. worse then the depression itself. i was the youngest there, with people around me talking to things that werent there, having random outburts, even being violent to other people around. i was the most scared i have ever been. it wasnt where i needed to be at the time, and everyone, including my parents, agree with that now. so time has passed, and everyone keeps telling me that the pain of it, the fear, the regret of that time will pass, but not one day goes by that i dont think about it. i feel like it is a part of me, a part i never wanted, to be the kind of girl who couldnt hold it together and had to be sent to a mental hospital. as much as no one else sees that as part of me, i cant get past it. i feel like somewhere on some permanent record that anyone can see it says in big bold letters....psych ward, or something like that. i am living in the past, and i was hoping that other people who have had similar situations could tell me how they have gotten past this to live a "normal" life. Thank you

 
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Old 01-12-2007, 08:55 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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MariaBB HB User
Re: first timer

Like most people with major depression, I've had multiple bouts. I had them at 17, 24 and 36 - I'm still pulling through this one. You're in therapy and taking medicaton, that's good. Between ages 24 and 36 I felt great. What I had gone through was nobody's business. Nobody had to know. If you had diabetes would you be ashamed? Probably not. Just remember that it's nobody's business unless you make it your business. Don't feel ashamed of your past. There are a lot of us here struggling. I'm pretty new to these boards, but I've found them EXTREMELY helpful. Stick with us.

Last edited by MariaBB; 01-12-2007 at 08:56 PM.

 
Old 01-12-2007, 11:56 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 347
msbibe HB User
Re: first timer

Hi Erica,

You said you are living in the past...that seems very insightful for anyone, maybe especially someone as young as you are.

I was also in the psych ward, for 2 weeks, but I was in my 30's at the time. It was scary! The "therapy" in my psych ward was minimal. The good thing about the place for me was getting on medication that I desperately needed, apparently. After 10 years I thought I was pretty okay with that experience. Then I had a mom friend who went through very similar things to what I had. It brought back a flood of emtions and I took myself to a therapist. I never realized until I told her about all the things I experienced there that, although I'd talked about it online, I'd never voiced the words to anyone face to face. "Coincidentally" not long after talking about it with her I was in a situation to be able to back to that psych ward, as a non-patient. I walked through the double doors I had snuck through to take a tour of the rest of the hospital unnoticed. I saw the first room I stayed in. I saw the locked-locked side of the ward I stayed in one night for "misbehavior" I saw the ledges I stood on on the inside of the window the first time I talked to my psychiatrist--they've put planter boxes on them so no one can stand on them anymore. The sun was streaming in the windows... A lot of ghosts went away for me that day. The time was finally right.

While I was locked in there (the first time) one of the girls there said she filed a complaint about her last stay and that that empowered her quite a bit. She was actually glad to be there (which I could not understand at the time).

For you, it hasn't been a year yet. In some ways it's like post traumatic stress disorder as it seems like you are reliving the experience/nightmare daily. You may feel these things more intensely as the anniversary week approaches--not to put ideas in your head, but to let you know ahead of time so you can talk to your therapist about it and prepare in other ways. It was traumatic to be in there, especially when you were 19 or 20, probably the scariest thing you've ever been through?

Plus, possibly you were at the most depressed you've ever been? It takes a while to heal emotionally. It sounds like you've done quite a bit of healing already, and probably have made some headway with the hospital stay as well--you're here looking for ideas and suggestion; reaching out. That can be a big step. Way to go.

 
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