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Old 02-11-2007, 01:38 AM   #1
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anon246 HB User
Unhappy Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Okay I don't even know if this is worth posting, I feel so hopeless. I don't know if you'll be able to help me, but I'd love it if you tried.
Well .... where to start? I'm in 9th grade. My life is pathetic. I want to be the best I can be, but my weaknesses always get in the way. I wish had someone there to just keep me on track with all my goals. I want to depend on myself but I don't even trust myself anymore. I can't keep up with anything. My will power is gone. There's no point to life for me, not anymore. I'm still searching for a good reason. I want to let go but there's still a little part of me that wants to hold on. Whenever I've tried to talk to a friend about my issues, usually what I hear from them is "OMG are you like emo or something?". My parents have tried to understand but they can't when I don't tell them everything. They've given up on trying to understand. And I have identity problems I guess. Most of the decisions I make are based on what other people think. I don't want anyone to have a problem with me. I can't help this. At least I don't think I can. Everything I've tried has failed....
Well anyways, I'm on anxiety meds and anti depressants.
I think I'm balding. And yes I'm in 9th grade, but whenever I ask my parents if they think I'm balding they scream at me and say NO YOU'RE NOT STOP OBSESSING!! My parents get angry at me with all my depression and anxiety issues. I'm falling apart. I'm gay. I hate it. How do change being gay??? I know if I tell my family they'll hate me.
Another frustrating thing is my memory, its horrible. Ever since I've started anti depressants my memory has sucked. Its absolutely horrible. I hate it. And I don't even know if there's that much of a difference now that I'm on meds. I still feel reallly depressed and anxious. I've let go of most of my friends for security issues, plus a lot of people weren't really my friends.
I feel doomed. Like something bad is bound is bound to happen.
Or....I think I'm going insane sometimes.
Like I feel like there's a force that makes me do things.... like if I don't do these things something really bad will happen, like all my hair will fall out, or someone I love will die, or I will get hurt really bad if I don't do what the 'force' tells me to. I know it sounds crazy....like the force will tell me to put my head underneath a pillow for 30 seconds and then sit down on the couch for 75 seconds and be totally silent. And I'll do it because I'm afraid. I know it sounds insane....but I'm afraid.
All these things leave me very depressed. Life is not worth living when you don't enjoy it at all. In fact, I'm scared to keep living just because of all the things that are destined to happen to me.
I'm afraid to go to the store now even.....
I hide in the house as much as possible.
I'm afraid of my step dad. I don't know why.
My mom is having an affair and I'm the only who knows about it.
I was raised wrong.
Help me. Somebody. Advice please!!
And I don't want anyone to think I'm coming here for sympathy, just very desperate because I hate seeing myself this pathetic. My parents think I'm trying to get attention when I tell them all this stuff but that's not the truth at all! I have lots and lots of other problems but I can't even type all of them right now!!!
Please give me some advice!! Thanks all of you!

Last edited by anon246; 02-11-2007 at 01:40 AM.

 
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Old 02-11-2007, 05:03 AM   #2
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Okay anon246...is 9th grade equilavent to year 9? So you about 14-16 yrs old?

Anyway, back to your problem...you said that you "wanted your life to be the best you can be and that you wanted someone there to just keep me on track with all my goals."
That is exactly what I was hoping for when I was young..I was hoping for a guardian angel to come and give me a hint on how I should live my life. I'm now 30 years old, so having lived through high school years and encountered some ups and downs in my life those are the points I like to share with you:

POINT NUMBER 1
-----------------------
Every men will get bald eventually. What I found out in my situation is that balding is a slow progress...and since u are still in 9th grade, you will still have Your hair when u get to college and to the workplace. I'm 30 and I still have my hair! I was worrying about itwhen I was at high school.
Now days, what's "in" is having a shaved hair like the guys from "Prisoner break"...not too shaved like them, but leave your hair feeling spiky...it may look uncomfortable at first, but as your hair grow, it will look good and you don't need to gell it...I tried it, and I really loved that spikey hair-style. Spikey hair doesn't cause stress to your hair when strong wind blows at you reaveling your bald spots. Get a professional hair-styler to do your hair and not a cheapy hairdresser...the outcome is a huge difference. Believe it or not spikey hair/shaved hair people look very attractive...it's better than some guys I've see who has a huge bald spot and leaving some hair growing in their sides which makes them look "older" than they really are....
The most important of all is DON"T worry too much on what others think of you. everyone is unique and there are others whose a lot worser than you. I was very skinny at high school,and when ever I have to attend a swimming class, I would dread at it because in the past, my class mates made fun of my body so from then, I hardly wore a t-shirt or go swimming again. Thinking back, I was too HARD on myself. Had I made the sacrifice and do soemthing with my body, I could have look great now.


POINT NUMBER 2
----------------------
Quote: "Life is not worth living when you don't enjoy it at all ."

That's not true...u can live the life you want to live but that requires hard work and SACRIFICES... You are still in 9th grade, and you are still Y-O-U-N-G.. Don't just look at the small picture somtimes when you want to be successful in life you have to look at the big picture. The people you are encountering right now will leave you after high school and they will have their own life's journey to walk on...most often you won't see them again, but you will get to meet new people in your life as you move on. New and interesting people, and you soon realise that this world is a huge place. If you don't believe me, go and take a trip to your prefer college somedays and walk around and watch different people walking past you... or perhaps go and visit a busy hospital or an airport. Give yourself a 3 year challenge to work on your study and your self-esteem level. Ask yourself what you want to get out from this challenge...for instance, you say that you are not happy with your current environment...if you made the sacrifice to focus on your studies, you can get in to your prefer course, and therefore make a good salary, and therefore able to afford to move out and buy your own house and live the life you want to life... Remember the word, SACRIFICE.

Last edited by jimmyhonda; 02-11-2007 at 05:12 AM.

 
Old 02-11-2007, 07:26 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon246 View Post
I want to be the best I can be, but my weaknesses always get in the way. I wish had someone there to just keep me on track with all my goals. I want to depend on myself but I don't even trust myself anymore. I can't keep up with anything. My will power is gone. There's no point to life for me, not anymore.

And I have identity problems I guess. Most of the decisions I make are based on what other people think. I don't want anyone to have a problem with me.
Hi Anon, I remember your posts from the anxiety and the anger boards. Are you in therapy? Sounds like you cannot depend on your friends or family for talking. Therapy would really be helpful.

Running your life with an eye for what others think is just giving control of your life over to others. Sounds like your identity problems could be because you are gay and it is hard for you to accept this? Starting counseling with someone who can help you with this would be very helpful. Have you tried to contact any gay organizations?

Do you have too many goals in your life right now so you are overloading yourself? Or maybe you are just slipping into the hole and you are just focusiing on clawing your way out so it is hard to focus on anything else? Again, counseling can really help you to get yourself back on track.

Your fear of going out and your thoughts about having to do certain things sound anxiety related. Again, counseling can help with this.

 
Old 02-11-2007, 12:29 PM   #4
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Im in the 10th grade and I feel the same way. I think this is just something that you/we will over come in due time. I believe that we have to go through things to become better people. I too am gay, im still not completely out but I can own up to being gay. And you know what, I like being gay, I like other boys, so what some people are gay some are straight. But I truly believe that there are more gay that straight people, because a lot of people are scared to admit their true feelings. Anyway love you self, sometimes it feels like you can’t but try and it will work out in the end.

In the meantime, I want you to become more social, it will help you a lot, also try getting into some type of organization like a team or club. I also want you to start keeping a journal of your feelings

Last edited by barnell09; 02-11-2007 at 12:30 PM. Reason: mis spelled word

 
Old 02-11-2007, 12:51 PM   #5
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

hi anon,

i was very moved by your post!!! you sound extremely precocious and intelligent. i bet you're an A student!! i think you can be anything you want to be, and do anything you want to do--except your environment is the one thing that affects you negatively right now. lack of understanding from your parents and your peers would definitely make you (and anyone) upset and depressed. i know that parents' ignorance of their childrens problems, or maybe pretense that they're not there (the problems , that is), is terribly frustrating. i went through the same thing (still am, at 36 years of age) with my mom. but, you (and i) can't change them.

i agree with both posters above. they gave you excellent advice. if in any way, you could follow up on that advice, even a bit, you'd be on your way out of the "black hole."

a lot of us were "outsiders" in high school...mostly because we didn't open up and didn't let anyone see the real us. but like jimmyhonda said, when you finish high school, you won't be seeing those people anymore. and you're DEFINITELY not alone. i'm sure there are others out there, perhaps in your very own school who are struggling with the same issues you are.

again, like jimmy said (and i my opinion), your number one priority now is school. do well, so that you'll get into a good university and God willing, work towards a rewarding and fulfilling career. as you grow (and we're all growing, until we die), you'll learn more about human nature, yourself, other people, other people's weaknesses/strenths (even your parents'). i can even bet on the fact that you'll be able to find a partner later on, manage life independently, and be happy.

all of us on this site are depressed to some degree..that's why we come here. but what i can say is that with medication and with therapy, we can keep it in check. of course there are bad days/weeks and good days/weeks, but they come and they go. hope comes, and hope goes.

i hope you will be able to find a counselor somehow, because talking about one's feelings is the most empowering act in the world. i also hope that, as sannah mentioned, you will find some gay organizations around your area. you'll be able to get lots of info from there. i'm sure there must be clubs, bars, and even events that are oriented towards the gay segment of the population around where you live. look in the phone book, or on the web...

it sucks feeling alone. but i believe you're a very smart individual. just put some time into finding a way to make yourself happy--to fulfill some of your personal needs. do some research!

good luck and God bless!!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 02-11-2007, 07:51 PM   #6
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

I agree, you have alot to deal with and if your parents are not talking to you, find someone you can really talk with , a counselor, where you feel safe being open. Its not all unusual to feel confused at your age but not usually to that extreme. But it sounds like besides your own stuff you're dealing with other stuff so I would definitely seek help. good luck

 
Old 02-11-2007, 10:57 PM   #7
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anon246 HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Hey everyonee. thanks for all the quick responses!!
I'm reading everything and its like....a bunch of different perspectives I wish I could grasp on. I just wish things were more simple. Wish there was just a simple answer.
I can't really get involved in gay communites because...you know, one day I feel like I've accepted myself and the next I feel totally disgusted about who I am.
I just want everything to be good again.
And I know I keep making new threads, but one week I feel one way and the next week I feel totally different so its hard to relate to old threads I guess.
I don't have any friends anymore...so...like...i don't know. I'm homeschooled now....boring...but i have no other choice at the moment. So I litteraly have no friends because they aren't friends anymore. I am going to counseling but I've only been going to this counselor for a few weeks, so I've only got to say a little bit. I'll say more though, its just there hasn't really been any "break throughs" yet.

I'm sick of being up til 3am every night. Or sometimes not even going to bed. My thoughts don't let me sleep sometimes.
I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Dakota_skye, I wish I was an A+ student, at one time I was but my grades have plummeted. But thanks
I hope I can be whatever I want...its just really hard to trust myself or believe in myself.

Maybe its just one of those *bad* weeks.

And barnell... thanks for telling me that. I really like it when people give me something to work on, and I wish I could be comfortable with myself like you.

I'm gonna start keeping a journal.

And hi Sannah thanks for keeping an eye on me heh. And yeah I am kind of in a hole and I'm trying to claw my way out and its really hard to focus on other things. I REALLLLY wana find people that like me for me but I don't even like myself at the moment. I think I'm going to take the whole next month to concentrate on myself and nothing else. I'm going to be selfish for once, instead of considering everyone else's opinions and thoughts like I've done my whole life. I think what I'm going to do that whole month is just figure out what I really want out of life. I'm just going to detox from all the chaos and worrying.

And Jimmyhonda you're right about everything...
everything you say makes sense to me.
I do have to start making sacrifices.

Well I wish I could say more but I have to try to sleep. I'll be checking this board everyday, just to read what you guys posted because honestly your posts make me feel a lot better. I'm gonna read even the old posts everyday, because...they make me feel so much better

Thankss people

 
Old 02-12-2007, 08:08 AM   #8
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon246 View Post
I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I don't even like myself at the moment. I think I'm going to take the whole next month to concentrate on myself and nothing else. I'm going to be selfish for once, instead of considering everyone else's opinions and thoughts like I've done my whole life. I think what I'm going to do that whole month is just figure out what I really want out of life. I'm just going to detox from all the chaos and worrying.
Anon, yes, doing the same thing over and over again is going to yield the same results.

You don't like yourself because you are gay? This is why I think you need to contact other gay people, especially those who accept that they are gay and like themselves. Concentrating on yourself is not selfish. Keep posting!

 
Old 02-12-2007, 09:47 AM   #9
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

You said "I am going to counseling but I've only been going to this counselor for a few weeks, so I've only got to say a little bit. I'll say more though, its just there hasn't really been any "break throughs" yet."
Believe me it takes a while to work through it all and if you can go more regularly I'd recommend, and if you feel you have nothing to say print some of the stuff you wrote here. You have to open up before they help sort stuff out. Hang in there.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 01:44 PM   #10
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CaringMom HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Anon,
Just another response to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I agree with the others, counseling. Hopefully you will be able to open up to your counselor and get alot of this off of your chest. Once you can accept yourself for who you are, you will be able to face your problems. Teen years are tough on everyone as we learn who we are. I wouldn't relive those for anything! Things will get better.
I have a 15 year old daughter dealing with depression and anxiety, (self esteem). Counseling and meds the past few months are really helping her. She too wasn't sleeping and one med she is on helps with that. Talk to your doctor about that issue. Being sleep deprived is not helping.
As far as being gay, I can relate somewhat. I have a nephew who is 17 and made his announcement about a year ago. I know what he went through at school and lost most of his friends because of it and we live in a small town!! I see/hear the tormenting and ridicule that he's going through; he is also dealing with anger, self harm, and ADD. (His mother is accepting of this, being gay, but his father still has issues) Doesn't help him much there.
Wishing you the best. Take care.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 02:15 PM   #11
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dazedandconfused10 HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

I totally agree, everything seems worse when you are not getting rest.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 08:28 PM   #12
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anon246 View Post
Hey everyonee. thanks for all the quick responses!!
I'm reading everything and its like....a bunch of different perspectives I wish I could grasp on. I just wish things were more simple. Wish there was just a simple answer.
I can't really get involved in gay communites because...you know, one day I feel like I've accepted myself and the next I feel totally disgusted about who I am.
I just want everything to be good again.
And I know I keep making new threads, but one week I feel one way and the next week I feel totally different so its hard to relate to old threads I guess.
I don't have any friends anymore...so...like...i don't know. I'm homeschooled now....boring...but i have no other choice at the moment. So I litteraly have no friends because they aren't friends anymore. I am going to counseling but I've only been going to this counselor for a few weeks, so I've only got to say a little bit. I'll say more though, its just there hasn't really been any "break throughs" yet.

I'm sick of being up til 3am every night. Or sometimes not even going to bed. My thoughts don't let me sleep sometimes.
I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Dakota_skye, I wish I was an A+ student, at one time I was but my grades have plummeted. But thanks
I hope I can be whatever I want...its just really hard to trust myself or believe in myself.

Maybe its just one of those *bad* weeks.

And barnell... thanks for telling me that. I really like it when people give me something to work on, and I wish I could be comfortable with myself like you.

I'm gonna start keeping a journal.

And hi Sannah thanks for keeping an eye on me heh. And yeah I am kind of in a hole and I'm trying to claw my way out and its really hard to focus on other things. I REALLLLY wana find people that like me for me but I don't even like myself at the moment. I think I'm going to take the whole next month to concentrate on myself and nothing else. I'm going to be selfish for once, instead of considering everyone else's opinions and thoughts like I've done my whole life. I think what I'm going to do that whole month is just figure out what I really want out of life. I'm just going to detox from all the chaos and worrying.

And Jimmyhonda you're right about everything...
everything you say makes sense to me.
I do have to start making sacrifices.

Well I wish I could say more but I have to try to sleep. I'll be checking this board everyday, just to read what you guys posted because honestly your posts make me feel a lot better. I'm gonna read even the old posts everyday, because...they make me feel so much better

Thankss people
Oh im still not comfortable with my self all the way but i think im getting there. I think wwriting helps me. Also you should tey these things called affamations(spelled wrong) you simply think of all the bad things about yourself and tell your self the opposite. Example, if you think your too short tell your self your tall, if you think you to shy tell your self your out going. Just try it, and remembe you can talk to me about anything, as well as everyone else here, think of us as your family.

 
Old 02-13-2007, 07:04 PM   #13
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Trixibel HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Hey sweetheart, year 9 is tough at the best of times, never mind when you think you might be gay and are worried how your parents are going to react. It's very common at this stage to make decisions based on what you think people will think of you because your identity is so important at your age and so is what people think about you and what you think they think about you, if that makes sense. It is all very hard.

I had memory problems on anti-depressants too, have come off them now and still occasionally have a memory blank.

The stuff about 'the force' telling you to put your head under the couch - that is anxiety, and it's not surprising you're anxious. You're under a lot of pressure.

I think it's good if you talk to someone you feel comfortable with. There is no pressure to 'come out' about being gay. You do that in your own time when you feel comfortable. Talking on here is a good idea because you get to talk to others who've been through what you're going through and can relate. You don't have to tell anyone anything until you're ready. Not even your parents.

I have three boys, the eldest is nearly your age. I wouldn't have an issue if they told me they were gay and I have told them that. Parents just want their kids to be happy.

What makes you think you're going bald? Do you have a bald patch? Is it thinning, or is your hair falling out? My partner is bald and he shaves his head. This is probably no consolation but there's nothing ugly about baldness.

 
Old 02-15-2007, 08:09 PM   #14
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e2farley HB User
Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

From the perspective through someone else's eyes (mine , you are a dear! So smart. So intellectual. You have so much grasp on things for a person your age! And, oh how I feel for you. I remember the years of middle/high school - and, as the saying goes "Those were the best of times. Those were the worst of time." So true. But GUESS WHAT!!! IT WILL GET BETTER! I promise you, it will! My son is your age and I can tell you that I see him going through some of the same dilemas right now - identity, self-esteem, finding true friends. I wish I could take his pain away, and yours away. But what you need to do is grab those old bootstraps up off the ground and stand strong! You MUST know that all young adults your age are going through changes. The hormones are UP and down !!!! You have a right to feel so confused, sad, angry, scared, depressed right now! Your body is changing. Your mind is changing. ((HUG))...But please believe this - whether you can tell it by looking at your peers or not, they are going through fierce emotions too, as you are. I am not here to say that yours are worse or theirs are worse. I am here to say that you are, by no means, alone.

Be so, so proud of who you are! I will be thinking of you!

-E

Last edited by e2farley; 02-15-2007 at 08:11 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 02-23-2007, 08:00 PM   #15
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Re: Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Hey you guys. Sorry I haven't responded. I've been away from the computer, I was going through hell getting off old anxiety/anti depressant meds (really bad withdrawal symptoms)
anyways, you guys are so nice. I wish people were as accepting as you guys are.
My memory is worse than ever, so I'm waiting for it to get better since I'm off all my meds. Boy do I feel weird. I forgot what its like to NOT be on meds.
But the past few days I realized something
Well it started with Britney Spears. When she shaved her head, everyone was like OMG whats wrong with her!! I think she's such a strong person, and I would have never said that a year ago, but she's always under so much scrutiny.... I could never deal with everything she deals with.
Hell I can't even deal with a few people judging me. She's going through a way harder time than me, and it made me want to wake up and stop being weak. It makes me want to stop caring what the world thinks of me. Its hard, but man if Britney can deal with millions of people judging her every move and being stalked by 20 paparazzi everytime she steps outside, I should be able to deal with my much more simple, relaxed life.

People give Britney a lot less credit than she deserves. I used to not care for her, but I've got so much respect for that woman now.

BUT yes, high school is definetely tough. Especially when you feel like you're bound to fail at everything.
I'm basically over whatever my family/friends think. I'll probably tell everyone I'm gay before the end of this year. I just don't care anymore.
I mean, they won't accept me easily or anything.
My family is a bunch of religious, very republican, liberal-hating, fascist bigots.
I don't really have that many views or opinions on things yet, but I know the way my family looks at things is WRONG. Everyone in my family. Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Mom, Dad
So basically I'm bound to have my whole family turn against me, but you know what? I've accepted it. I don't care if they have a problem with it. Again, look at Britney. Her situation is 10x worse and she's survived.

I'm still having trouble though, because now that I'm off my meds I get easily frustrated. I'm trying really hard to find enjoyment in something. I don't know how to enjoy anything really. I guess I forgot how. How do you find something you enjoy? I always lose sight of things. I can never comit to anything. My memory makes me procrastinate, but not purposely. I always forget what I'm doing, what I was talking about, or where I put something. Which can be normal, but its so consistent that my parents think I'm faking.

Counselling is still the same, I haven't really got anywhere because I missed my last appointment.

I don't know what else to say, sleep has been weird, I got 3 hours of sleep last night but I'll probaby end up getting 10 hours tonight because I'm so exhausted. Its a pattern though.

Thanks you guys, I always feel a little better after I get all this stuff off my mind. And believe me comments/suggestion are sooo appreciated, I read each and every one. I don't always respond right away though!!

Thnx!! I'll check back later

 
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