dextar

Hey anon246. I think I know how you feel. I was almost the exact same way when I was your age (I'm 18 now). I was depressed, had identity issues, and was also realizing that I was gay (and I really didn't want to be). I didn't have any real friends to fall back on, and my parents didn't really understand me. And I knew if I told them I was gay, they would hate me (they're conservative). As for the depression, my parents thought I was exaggerating the way I felt, and they insisted that my gloominess, irritability, lethargy, etc. were just character flaws, when in truth, these were symptoms of my depression. Now that high school is over, I look back and realize that their are many things I wish I would've done differently.

You have many symptoms of depression: lack of interest in things you used to like, insomnia, a feeling of impending doom, paranoia, etc. As for the "force" that tells you to do things, it sound a like a form of OCD, but I'm really not sure. Anyway, you need to tell ALL these things to your psychiatrist so that he can properly diagnose you and get you on the right medication.

I also started antidepressants when I was your age, but they didn't work for me. However, I only tried one and gave up after that. That was my mistake (and my psychiatrist's mistake for not suggesting a different antidepressant). You usually have to switch antidepressants several times before you find the right one. If you've been taking your antidepressant for a month or two and you still don't notice a difference, you need to tell your psychiatrist this so that he can switch you onto a new medication. That one might not work either, but eventually you will find the right medication. Some people don't respond to any antidepressants, but that's pretty uncommon. I'm sure you'll find one that works.

As for being gay, most certified psychologists agree that one's sexuality is hard-wired and cannot be changed, and scientific evidence backs up their view. There are some organizations that claim they can turn gay people straight, but they have little or no evidence backing them up, their "therapists" aren't even certified, and besides being ineffective, their methods are sometimes psychologically harmful. I guess you could try them if you want, but I'm pretty sure you'd be wasting your time. The best thing you can do is find friends in your high school who are accepting of gays, and they will help you with your self-esteem more than you can imagine.

I know that some other people on here said that getting good grades in school is your #1 priority right now, and I thought the same way in high school. I thought, well since nobody likes me and my environment, the best thing I can do is get the best grades possible so I can get into a good college and be successful.

Well let me tell you...success can't fill you up when you need love.

Throughout high school, I worked hard and made "sacrifices" in order to get into a high-ranking college. And I did. But a few months into college, I got so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed and go to class. I tried to commit suicide. Then I dropped out and started antidepressants again. I tried 2 before I found the right one. Then I felt exactly as I had years ago before all this depression crap started. So it ended up that all that hard work and sacrifice had been for nothing. I looked back at my high school years and realized how empty they were. I had no real friends, only acquaintances who I never talked to outside of school. I had focused on getting good grades, thinking nothing else mattered. I mean, I'll never again see these stupid people after I graduate. So why bother, right? Wrong.

Getting into a prestigious college and getting a high-paying job mean nothing if you don't learn how to connect with people and make deep, meaningful relationships. I don't want you to focus all your energy into material "success" and end up feeling hollow inside when you finish high school, like I did. Besides, good social skills will help you more with material success than good grades could ever.

So before you start putting all your energy on school, there are some more important things you have to work out. First you have to get over your depression by finding the right medication and a counselor you feel comfortable talking to. Try to find one who practices cognitive behavioral therapy, which is proven to work by many scientific studies. Once you're back to normal, you have to realize that you are just as worthy as everyone else. Not less worthy, and not more worthy. Everyone has they're strengths and weaknesses. One might not be good at sports, but he's very intelligent. Once might not be good at academics, but he's very creative. Everyone has redeeming qualities.

My philosophy is goes like this: Michelangelo said that in every block of stone, there was a beautiful angel/statue trapped inside. All he had to do to release it was chip away at the stone. That's how people are. Everyone is really that beautiful statue, but for many people, things are covering them up like low self-esteem, irrational thoughts, mental disorders, lack of knowledge of their true talents, etc. You don't have to find out how to be an awesome person who everyone likes, because you already are. Everything you need is already inside you. All you have to do is get rid of the gunk covering it up.

Once you do all this (and it can take time) you will find that you're not that shy or anxious anymore. You will want to talk to people, and conversation will come naturally. Some people think they have to know "what" to say, but striking up a conversation is about saying whats on your mind and starting a free flow of communication with other people. Friends will come naturally. Not everyone will like the real you, but many people will, and these are the people who you can bond with. I hated everyone in high school and I thought everyone hated me, but looking back I realize that there were plenty of people who would've liked me, and who I would've liked, if only I had opened up.

I hope my advice is helpful to you. Good luck.