Where do I go from here? - Depression Message Board

liz49 · 02-24-2007, 05:27 PM

To begin a new thread is always a bit overwhelming, but I am feeling the need for some support and find it here.
I have been on Zoloft and Klonopin for 10 years, and for the most part it does make life bearable and at best, truly just fine. I had a terrifically stressfull year last year, some of you may recognize my story from other posts--but my husband of 30 years was dxed at Christmas of '05 with Primary liver cancer and given 8-12 months to live. The ensuing year of '06 was hell, but we were able to get him placed on the transplant list and he did receive a life saving transplant in September. He has recovered quite well, but for one serious setback in the form of a hospital borne infection, but that really just slowed him down a few weeks. Our 2nd youngest daughter married in June and our youngest left home because she could not stand the stress. So I was his sole caregiver for four solid months. I don't think he took a single pill or anything without me handing it to him. I had to deal with drains, tubes, flushing infection sites--everything but his insulin injections which he handled himself. Oh, and he's HCV+ so everything had to be done fully gloved & with a Hazmat garbage kept separate--so it was quite a chore.

He's back to work his typical 60 hour weeks and doing everything he ever did---and I'm a mess. I guess I thought that going through this life changing situation would bring us closer together, but truth is, he acts like he has singlehandedly accomplished the greatest feat known to man. (In fairness to him, he was so heavily drugged much of the time he does not remember a LOT of what went on--whole chunks of days are missing). He has never acknolwedged to me or to anyone else my contribution to his care. This is a deep and powerful hurt. I finally did kind of jokingly confront him about it and he said "What did you do? I had the transplant, not you, this wasn't ABOUT you". After that comment I seriously thought about leaving him--and told him so. We are currently in marriage counseling, and I am not terribly hopeful. He says he wants us to work things out, but I just don't know--partly too, I have gotten so much more depressed than ever before---so before I make any life altering decisions, I am going to see my pdoc and see if maybe a tweak in meds would help me to just feel not so miserable and help me to digest all the stuff that's going on. Usually when really depressed I am also extremely anxious, but now I am just so down all the time, I could sleep 20 hours a day.
We have 31 years together, 5 kids, 3 grandkids---I am not taking separation nor divorce from this man lightly, but I cannot continue to feel like his life is so totally separate from mine....if this transplant and ensuing recovery was not about US then I wonder what in the heck IS about US???
It may be interesting to note that his aprents divorced after 42 years of marriage and his brother & wife were divorced after 15 years....so I know it's not just me being "oversensitive"--as he tells me. (oh-he's also an engineer--do they take out the "sensitive to women" chip when you graduate from engineering school??)

Well, anybody who wants to throw their hat in the ring, I appreciate any kind words.
Thanks
Liz

firenice · 02-24-2007, 06:28 PM

liz,
This sounds like such a tough situation and I'm sure you are feeling very down about it, and rightfully so. It's good that you are going to therapy. I guess in the end what you can have for sure is the knowledge that you loved, you cared, you gave of yourself. Regardless of any acknowledgement of that by others, even your husband of so many years, the truth is you know it and in that knowing you can feel very good about yourself.

Solitas · 02-24-2007, 09:05 PM

I admire your devotion and love you have shown your husband. This is wonderful and speaks greatly for your character. I'm sorry your husband does not show appreciation for everything you have done. Its hard to be kind to people, who don't acknowledge the kind action. My life experience is rather limited but I do know a little about finding happiness in depression, due to lonliness. I find things that I enjoy doing, hobbies. I choose sports, maybe you can toll paint, do yoga, a belly dancing class...swim or something. You obviously need a release so why not find a personal hobby that brings you satisfaction? You can't change people but you can tell him directly and calmly what you need from him. Tell him you need Romance, spoken words of praise and affection. Have you thought about finding a hobby you have in common or an activity? Try seeing if you can have fun together.