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Old 03-16-2007, 07:07 PM   #1
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I'm ashamed of public outbursts

Itís one thing for family to see my mood swings. At least I could explain to them the reason behind my outbursts and they could understand and forgive. But itís another thing if acquaintances see my mood swings and outbursts and I canít run away from the shame.

All within one month: One afternoon I went to pick up my son from preschool and he threw a tantrum right in the middle of the room. I couldnít handle it and in a low voice I said I would just leave and I walked out on him. Another time at pick up, one of the moms asked me how I was and I responded in a very angry and snappy tone that Iím trying to stay away from this preschool as much as possible because I canít take the gossip about me (which is a lame story in and of itself). A few weeks ago my daughter became physically aggressive with some girls at school who were being mean to her. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I told her teacher that I can no longer show my face at school and will no longer volunteer in the classroom. Then today when I was picking up my son, I overheard his teacher tell the aid that ďsheĒ gets upset very easily. I know I canít assume that she was talking about me, but I canít see who else she could possibly be talking about.

I am so ashamed of my public outbursts that I wish I could disappear. My moods take over me and I can't control or hide them. I have no idea how to handle my shame. I canít stop thinking about it and Iím becoming very anxious. It doesnít help when my medication makes me feel so jittery.

 
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Old 03-16-2007, 07:41 PM   #2
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Re: I'm ashamed of public outbursts

Hi, I can totally relate to all of what you're feeling! You are not alone. I have had the very same feelings and troubles. How many children do you have and what are their ages? Mine are 9yo twins and a 6 yo.

 
Old 03-16-2007, 08:20 PM   #3
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Re: I'm ashamed of public outbursts

I read what you are saying, and what hit me was the behaviour of both of your children. One a tantrum, the other physically aggressive. This would ring alarm bells in me if i were their mother. What example am I setting them? Iam NOT lecturing you, i know and I have been there myself. Your children learn by your behaviour, i found this out when I inadvertently taught my toddler to shout swear words. That pulled me up short, I can tell you. It took a while to get back in my MIL's good books.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 01:13 AM   #4
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Re: I'm ashamed of public outbursts

They're 8 and 4. Yes, they were lashing out because I hadn't been spending time with them as I usually do due to my depression staying in bed sleeping and withdrawing. It's not the example I set for them as they've never seen me act this way before. I have always kept my feelings inside and kept my composure until I broke down a month ago. It was my neglecting them. The most I could do was bathe and feed them, but couldn't play with them or listen to their stories. Their lack of attention has since been taken care of and they're fine and happy.

I guess this falls in line with me not wanting to make mistakes. I made mistakes this month that I am absolutely not proud of. The hard part is showing my face to fix it.

 
Old 03-17-2007, 05:28 AM   #5
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Re: I'm ashamed of public outbursts

hi there justlilme,

like i always say, everybody in this world makes mistakes, at times. that's how we grow and learn. and we never stop learning until we die...so, try not to be extremely harsh with yourself. i was told that i am very hard on myself, as well, and the truth is that yes, i believe i was, and may still be somewhat. but, what is the point anyway? does it get us anywhere? not really, it just gives us lots of headaches and anxiety...

i understand your reasons of feeling "shame" when dealing with your children's teachers, etc.,--but you know what? ....once again...i'm sure that once you sit down with any of those people involved with your kids, andyou talk to them about--about anything, even about random things,--they (and most importantly you) will see that you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about!!!! yes, mothers especially, tend to think that their kids' behavior and manners, and sometimes even their husbands's behavior () is a reflection of them. well, the child part is partly true, but only to an extent. for all anybody can know, the child may be going through something that the parents have absolutely no control over (i.e., adhd; child depression-that manifests itself in irritablity and anger, etc.)....i'm not saying your children are going through this, i'm just trying to give an example, as to what other kinds of things kids may go through when they tantrum, as opposed to having people think they are just not disiplined or that they engage in unruly behavior simply for the heck of it, which in turn reflects poorly on the parents.

justlilme, you're extremely sensitive to how others see you and the children. it's ok to be a bit sensitive, but it's also ok not to pay too much attention to all those other people. after all, they aren't perfect either!!!! except you and i don't know about it. oh, how i wish i were with you when they said "she gets upset very easily." i would have shown them just how easily i do get upset

by the way, with what you're going through, i believe you're handling your kids wonderfully....you pick them up, drop them off, volunteer at their school...let me tell you, some depressed people cannot do all these things!!!!! i for one, am on your side!!!!!
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Old 03-17-2007, 12:10 PM   #6
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Re: I'm ashamed of public outbursts

Justlilme, being ashamed of your issues just doubles the burden. Please try to not be ashamed. I went through this same thing until I saw others not being ashamed because they had problems so I did the same thing. A huge burden was lifted.

 
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