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Old 03-24-2007, 12:42 PM   #1
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Unhappy The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Hello, I have been in a relationship for just under 5 years with the love of my life, when we first met we were both in current relationships, myself for 6 years and her for 2 (but he was in prison so only saw him a few times a year), she got pregnant and we had a beautifull daughter, all was going really well, we got engaged, house, car. cat etc, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, we never argued, constantly toild each other we loved eachother etc, we really wanted another child together so started trying, we tried for approx 1 year but she had endemetriosis so this was not helping the matter so we thought we would book for IVF, funnily enough just after booking she was pregnant the natural way, we were so excited and happy about this as we didnt think it was possible, 3 months into the pregnancy she started to bleed slightly so went to hospital to check it out but all was ok, 2 weeks later she had severe pain and had a misscarraige in hospital, it was very upsetting at the time (jan 07) but we thought hey, we still have a lovely health 3 year old, we werent going to try again just get on with life and live it to the max, in feb 07 she received an email from her friend advising her that her ex boyfriends mother had recently fallen ill and died a ew days earlier, she advised when the funeral was, as soon as this email was received my partner decided to get on a flight to goto the funeral, her ex had been out of prison for about 6 months now, when she arrived she went to the funeral and stayed for a few days, constantly calling and taxting me for hours on end, she also went to see her father when she was in the country and was still calling etc, when she flew back to the place where she originally was she went very vague, was constantly drunk when ever I called or she called, theer was no emotion, she had been there for 2 weeks and was due to fly back to us, she called to say that she wasnt getting the flight that day due to serious period pains, fair enough, then nothing for 3-4 days, whenever I called she hung up, she was gone for just over 3 weeks and then I got a text saying that she will be on the plane etc and gave me the numbers etc, when she returned it was like me looking at a complete stranger, she was very heavily drinking, eating once or twice per week, drinking some days from 7.30am all through the day and night then just sleeping it off and doing nothing whatsoever, she was very paranoid about things, kept her phone with her at all times, deleted internet history constantly, her phone was constantly ringing and texts coming in and she was very vague, she decided to goto the docs as she was not herself, he dianosed her with depression and put her on prozac, she was advised not to drink while taking but she still did telling me that it wont make any difference and was rubbish!! later on she told me that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and when she got to the funeral all her feelings came flooding back, I was moirtified, she also said at the same time that she did not love me and wished our daughter had never been born which was not her because she was a great loving mother before she went away, as the weeks went on she slowly started to becomer herself again, loving to me and our daughter, I thought this was great then I realised that she was only being like this to me when she was drunk or the morning after she had been drinking so it didnt really seem real, she assured me and swore so many times that nothing happened when she saw her ex boyriend but I just wanted to believe it and still hope it now in a way, 2 days ago I was looking for my daughters baby dinosaur when I found a letter on a pad for him saying that she thinks about him 24 hours a day, waits for his morning text messages and calls and she will be with him in a few months etc etc, I was deverstated, I left the pad by her bedside and went to work, 20 mins later I received a message saying she was leaving, I rushed home to talk, she had been caught out, I asked her why she lied to me and all she could say was that she is confused and does love me but did need to go away again to see her dad and see what she wants in life, she said she felt ashamed etc, I believed her and said that I will always love her and as long as she is truthfull and honest with me then I will still be with her and never mention it again, she said that she had to do it or it would be in 2 weeks 3 weeks 6 months but it had to be done, I was not going to stand in the way of that, she wanted top tak our daughter but that was a big no as for 1 I did not want my daughter around another man that I do not know but hate so much and 2: she was not mentally stable enough to look after herself so there would be no change o lookinf after a 3 year old aswell, she agreed and booked the flight or yesterday just in her name (to the town that her ex is not her dad!) we spoke all day and I understood some things that she was saying but not others about why she needed to get away, in a way she is choosing between him and me, he is 35, still lives at home with his parents because he spends all his money on booze and fags, I work very hard, have commitments am a loving father to our daughter, I know that material possessions are nothing where love is involved but the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am starting to get the feeling that she is going back in time to where she had no commitments and thinks that she can run away from the hurt of losing a baby into a fresh start with no problems etc, I am so confused and dont really know what to do with myself, I feel like I have been a single father for the last 2 and a half months and our daughter is picking up on that and I dont want her head to be messed up aswell, I want to wait for the next 2 weeks till she comes home and tells me her decision but all I can see is bad things happening, the last thing she said to me at the airport was ''dont worry'', does anyone want to swap lives because I didnt see this one coming!

 
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Old 03-24-2007, 01:01 PM   #2
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Christina8 HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Wow! First of all, congratulations for keeping your daughter safe

That is all you can do right now. The only person that will be able to help her is herself. What you need to do is go on with your life...raise your daughter and meet someone who is mentally stable. And don't for one second think that you'll never love someone that way again...because you will, I promise.

Positive thoughts are with you

Christina

 
Old 03-24-2007, 03:30 PM   #3
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

I wouldn't give up on her just yet.

It seems to me that she may have had a delayed reaction to your babies death as many people do. I personally have a problem with blocking things out and I have always found that they come back with a vengence. If she is seriously depressed as it seems she is, she may be pushing you away because she doesn't think she's good enough for you and your daughter. The problem with depression is that a lot of the time you are not thinking rationally at all. Everything is your own fault and you deserve everything bad that happens to you. Maybe she doesn't feel she deserves your love and by going back to her ex you will let her go. (Well thats what happens to me)

This can't be easy for you. All you can do is support your daughter the best you can and hope she gets better and comes home.

Hope this helps a little

Angie x

 
Old 03-24-2007, 04:09 PM   #4
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Thankyou for that, that has made me see things in a different light rather than me feeling sorry for myself in a kind of way.

 
Old 03-25-2007, 01:29 AM   #5
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Heres an update, she landed at her destination, no call, 4 hours later I called her to see if she was ok, she couldnt talk, cut me short saying she would call back and never did, I tried calling her again this morning, as soon as she answered and knew it was me she hung up so my depressed alcoholic partner has run away and I dont know how I can help anymore as she is on the other side of the world.

 
Old 03-25-2007, 06:12 AM   #6
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

hi there confusedguy,

you seem like a wonderful dad and partner!!! glad you kept your daughter with you--i agree with the other posters about that!

your wife seems to be going through some sort of an early midlife crisis--at least that's what is sounds like. even though she's got a good home, a loving husband, and a wonderful daughter, she's itching for "newer pastures," that are actually old, trodden-down, dirty streets, if you know what i mean. i think she's thinking things are more (they only seem more) exciting with this guy who just got out of prison, who's drinking and doing God-knows what, and who apparently still lives at home with his parents at the age of 35. what can he offer her now, with a prison record, and when he still lives at home? when you look at it in a factual manner (which she definitely cannot do), all you get is a picture of a woman who's thinking that she's going back to re-visit her youth or something similar.....as if the grass is greener, as if those days still exist, etc. i think she'll be in for a very crude awakening!!!! oh, she'll probably be fine with him for a few months, but after all the "newness" of it all wears off, she'll be coming back to you...i'm willing to bet on it...saying how silly she was for even thinking of doing this. she's testing waters, and she feels she must do this to see how it goes...perhaps because she didn't get the chance to end things the way they should've ended. i don't think anybody would exchange a good / better life for a less nicer one.

keep your chin up. you're worthy of much more than this!
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Old 03-27-2007, 02:32 PM   #7
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Christina8 HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by veryconfusedguy View Post
Heres an update, she landed at her destination, no call, 4 hours later I called her to see if she was ok, she couldnt talk, cut me short saying she would call back and never did, I tried calling her again this morning, as soon as she answered and knew it was me she hung up so my depressed alcoholic partner has run away and I dont know how I can help anymore as she is on the other side of the world.
Just let her go. I'm sorry but in my world anyone who abandones a child isn't worth it!

 
Old 04-01-2007, 11:00 AM   #8
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

ok, its been just over a week, £1400 spent on hotels, she has called me a few times and been nasty and vague with me, I sent an email so that I could get my point across to her, she said that after the misscarraige all she could do was blame herself for having 2 drinks of alcohol and also blamed and resented me where she could not stand me because I had killed our baby, she now knowes she has not been herself and is very sorry for the way she has treated our family, said that she loves me deerly and wants to get on with life, change her mobile/cell number, go and get councelling and go back to work when she gets back on the 8th April, I am not turning this into a blogg/journal, I am thinking know that when some people are depressed etc they are not always text book and everyone is different and has different cases, she has been on prozac for about 5 weeks now and I dont know if its that that's making things better or not drinking as much, I hope this is a happy ending and I wont be back in a few months with something else, thankyou for everybodies support as I have learnt so much from what has happened and other peoples advise.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:15 AM   #9
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

ok, my last post was happy, she was coming home and loved me,was so sorry for what she had put everyone through and just wanted to make things right. Wrong, she saw her sister and her sister mentioned thta her parents had been in contact and were also worried, she tool this the wrong way like I was running off to tell tales? I have been 100% supportive throughout the whole year and not kept any secrets and been totally honest about everything, she told me that she hated me and was staying there forever to start a new life, tried to talk some reason and explain that people love her, didnt listen, called me back a ew hours later telling me she still hates me, sounded so drunk, and was coming back in a ew weeks to take our daughter to australia to live with her and her so called ex boyriend and there was nothing whatsoever I could do to stop it because we are not married (wedding cancelled when found out she was pregnant) and I have no chance, kept asking me what I was going to do about it and I didnt answer.....
I dont know what I would do without my daughter especially if she was 20,000 miles away in Australia, I am dreading answering the phone because I never know what is coming next and this is so confusing for me and my daughter, she keeps crying (daughter) and I cant keep making excuses and it really hurts so much.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 11:43 AM   #10
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Hey guy,
What a knot you are in. Sorry things are not working out the way you would like them to. And your daughter, it must be really difficult for her at such a young age. Maybe being somewhat truthful to her; mommy is trying to figure things out and hopefully someday all will work out. Reassure her you are going no where. I would also think you'd be able to get custody of her instead of her mother. I assume others know what has been going on and can back you up?
Also, to me, it sounds as if she either really doesn't want anything to do with her life with you, or, she enjoys you chasing her? Maybe put it in plain, simple terms that she can come home to her family and seek help, or if she wants to move on with her life she can without you and your daughter. It's not healthy for you to play these games with her. It's only dragging you down even more. You can't make anyone do anything, you need to think about and take care of yourself and your daughter. Maybe some day she will come around, but for now you may have to move on with your own life and do what's best for the both of you, without her.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 05:52 AM   #11
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Hi, I'm new here. I don't remember if I have ever posted or not but I thought I would offer some hard advice.

This woman is stringing you along. I think you should leave this relationship and not put up with it for one more day. Accept no calls or invitations for contact. It will hurt for a while but then you'll be glad and relieved you left and wonder how you could possibly have put up with it for so long.

Maybe try and keep the relationship with your daughter together with limited contact but regarding the two of you, for your own sanity you should leave. This woman is also in no position to parent effectively.

Use therapists, meds, and whatever support system you have to help you through this. You WILL come out okay on the other side.

Good luck!

 
Old 04-13-2007, 01:04 PM   #12
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Thankyou again for all your support (all those that have replied), since my last post I cut contact, sent mo more money to her, changed the locks, seeked advise from the courts and solicitors as a back up, didnt speak to her for 4 days so that she would have nobody to chase her or nobody to help her apart from her friends, she called me a few days ago crying, lost, not been taking her meds, been drinking instead of eating and was so sorry and loved us and wants to come home? what a mindblower, she has agreed to seek help when she returns because allot of this is now down to alcohol aswell as depression, not drunk for 2 days (as far as I know) coming home on Wednesday 18/04/07, I feel very numb now and dont really know what to think or say as I really care about her and she is the love of my life but its extra speacial because she is the nother of my child and that will always be the case, I want to help her and I know that she needs to see the docs when she gets back but I will never let myself be treated like a doormat again, I never imagined Depression,alcohol abuse could be like this and have really learnt allot from this website and peoples advise and support, I know its far from over and I know I have already posted a post saying that its all hunky dory and all going to be better but from now till next week is along time and anything can happen again, more relapses etc..................still confused........but little daughter starting to forget and stop asking about mummy, I keep reminding her that mummy still loves her and will be coming home soon but its hard to have a conversation with a 3 year old that cares more for ''land before time'' and dinosaurs!!!

 
Old 04-14-2007, 11:57 AM   #13
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Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

She could have bipolar brought on by the loss of your unborn baby. I have been through a miscarriage at 3 months, I had a "mini delivery" according to the Dr. It is very hard to handle mentally, and it's pretty traumatic physically as well. I also have a bipolar husband, I was a "veryconfusedgirl" for quite a while. The diagnoses was a relief, atleast I knew what the problem was.

I suggest you go with her to a psychiatrist. I'll be thinking of you, take care!

PS Most bipolars have problems with alcohol before they get diagnosed and on the proper meds.

 
Old 04-17-2007, 03:05 PM   #14
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Yes me again, she called me form the airport saying 1 hour to go, I called her 2 hours later and she sounded blind drunk and said that she had missed the plane! the pain continues, I have no parental responsibility of my daughter and an unfit mother due to drink and antidepressants! dont know whats going on and have not spoke to her since then, very confusing..AGAIN...

 
Old 04-21-2007, 12:58 AM   #15
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veryconfusedguy HB User
Re: The docs say my partners depressed but theres more to it!

Yes me AGAIN, 4 days later and still nothing from her, I have been reading and reading all sorts, I have looked at some of her family history and her sister has bipolar disorder and apparantly people with this have alcohol problems before there diagnoised? I may be looking for excuses but I just dont know, our daughter is deverstated because she has not seen her mother for over a month with no contact, apart from when she wants something, her father hads also not heard anything either which is strange because they were very close before all this happened, I dont know what she is doing for money, where she is staying, I have a pretty good Idea!! I dont understand how she can call me form the airport telling me that she has 1 hour till the flight, then misses the flight and doesnt contact whatsoever? god damn it this is confusing, I am trying my best to get on with things but its always on the back of my mind and I just want her to hit rock bottom and have some remorse but on the other hand I dont want her o come back all of a sudden and take our daughter while she is in this state of mind because that would not be fair on anyone, I am just going to have to wait and see I guess.

 
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