veryconfusedguy

Hello, I have been in a relationship for just under 5 years with the love of my life, when we first met we were both in current relationships, myself for 6 years and her for 2 (but he was in prison so only saw him a few times a year), she got pregnant and we had a beautifull daughter, all was going really well, we got engaged, house, car. cat etc, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, we never argued, constantly toild each other we loved eachother etc, we really wanted another child together so started trying, we tried for approx 1 year but she had endemetriosis so this was not helping the matter so we thought we would book for IVF, funnily enough just after booking she was pregnant the natural way, we were so excited and happy about this as we didnt think it was possible, 3 months into the pregnancy she started to bleed slightly so went to hospital to check it out but all was ok, 2 weeks later she had severe pain and had a misscarraige in hospital, it was very upsetting at the time (jan 07) but we thought hey, we still have a lovely health 3 year old, we werent going to try again just get on with life and live it to the max, in feb 07 she received an email from her friend advising her that her ex boyfriends mother had recently fallen ill and died a ew days earlier, she advised when the funeral was, as soon as this email was received my partner decided to get on a flight to goto the funeral, her ex had been out of prison for about 6 months now, when she arrived she went to the funeral and stayed for a few days, constantly calling and taxting me for hours on end, she also went to see her father when she was in the country and was still calling etc, when she flew back to the place where she originally was she went very vague, was constantly drunk when ever I called or she called, theer was no emotion, she had been there for 2 weeks and was due to fly back to us, she called to say that she wasnt getting the flight that day due to serious period pains, fair enough, then nothing for 3-4 days, whenever I called she hung up, she was gone for just over 3 weeks and then I got a text saying that she will be on the plane etc and gave me the numbers etc, when she returned it was like me looking at a complete stranger, she was very heavily drinking, eating once or twice per week, drinking some days from 7.30am all through the day and night then just sleeping it off and doing nothing whatsoever, she was very paranoid about things, kept her phone with her at all times, deleted internet history constantly, her phone was constantly ringing and texts coming in and she was very vague, she decided to goto the docs as she was not herself, he dianosed her with depression and put her on prozac, she was advised not to drink while taking but she still did telling me that it wont make any difference and was rubbish!! later on she told me that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and when she got to the funeral all her feelings came flooding back, I was moirtified, she also said at the same time that she did not love me and wished our daughter had never been born which was not her because she was a great loving mother before she went away, as the weeks went on she slowly started to becomer herself again, loving to me and our daughter, I thought this was great then I realised that she was only being like this to me when she was drunk or the morning after she had been drinking so it didnt really seem real, she assured me and swore so many times that nothing happened when she saw her ex boyriend but I just wanted to believe it and still hope it now in a way, 2 days ago I was looking for my daughters baby dinosaur when I found a letter on a pad for him saying that she thinks about him 24 hours a day, waits for his morning text messages and calls and she will be with him in a few months etc etc, I was deverstated, I left the pad by her bedside and went to work, 20 mins later I received a message saying she was leaving, I rushed home to talk, she had been caught out, I asked her why she lied to me and all she could say was that she is confused and does love me but did need to go away again to see her dad and see what she wants in life, she said she felt ashamed etc, I believed her and said that I will always love her and as long as she is truthfull and honest with me then I will still be with her and never mention it again, she said that she had to do it or it would be in 2 weeks 3 weeks 6 months but it had to be done, I was not going to stand in the way of that, she wanted top tak our daughter but that was a big no as for 1 I did not want my daughter around another man that I do not know but hate so much and 2: she was not mentally stable enough to look after herself so there would be no change o lookinf after a 3 year old aswell, she agreed and booked the flight or yesterday just in her name (to the town that her ex is not her dad!) we spoke all day and I understood some things that she was saying but not others about why she needed to get away, in a way she is choosing between him and me, he is 35, still lives at home with his parents because he spends all his money on booze and fags, I work very hard, have commitments am a loving father to our daughter, I know that material possessions are nothing where love is involved but the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am starting to get the feeling that she is going back in time to where she had no commitments and thinks that she can run away from the hurt of losing a baby into a fresh start with no problems etc, I am so confused and dont really know what to do with myself, I feel like I have been a single father for the last 2 and a half months and our daughter is picking up on that and I dont want her head to be messed up aswell, I want to wait for the next 2 weeks till she comes home and tells me her decision but all I can see is bad things happening, the last thing she said to me at the airport was ''dont worry'', does anyone want to swap lives because I didnt see this one coming!