I hate the way I feel today but feel too tired to lift myself out of it.
My sister just got back from a vacation in Thailand with her family - 10 days at a resort where the kids swam in the pool or walked ten metres into the sea and went to 'kids' club' while the parents went off and had Thai massages. Honestly. My sister is so well off. That holiday would have cost thousands. The best we do is a week at the beach once a year - and not a Queensland beach either, a cold Victorian one where it could rain every day even when it's summer (actually rain would be good right now as we're in a drought - perhaps we should go to the beach for a holiday...lol!)
I'm so jealous of her and I hate feeling that way. Her life has turned out so well. She's a highly respected doctor. She's worked hard for it, and still works hard now, and deserves all the nice things. I only wish i'd been able to get my act together enough to forge myself a decent career. I hate myself for blaming my dysfunctional life on my depression and anxiety - sounds like such a cop out, but can't seem to pull myself out of that way of thinking today. Like Pucca - I think I've got ADD. Could never concentrate or study effectively - am impulsive and disorganised and not a logical thinker. My sister's kids are very happy and together, too. Probably because their mother isn't neurotic like me. My sister's never had depression. I've asked her. She feels very sorry for me that I've got it. And her kids are friends with their neighbours' kids whereas my kids are bullied by the neighbours' kids. I sound like a victim. I feel like a victim. It's pathetic and I hate it.
hey trix. i read your post and really felt for you-i wish i could fix it.
im a bit the same. although im only 18 and my brother is 15, i feel bitter often. he is so jolly all the time, he never causes fights in the house, he is so sensible and at times would appear beyond his years-but i think he is boring. he asks my parents permission for everything stupid. he never had any problems at schooll, whereas with me they were in and out of teacher meetings about me. he was never shy or weird in public either and never threw huge psychos at my parents. he doesnt have all the crap i have and i cant help but feel bitter that he may be fine and im ****ed because i got sexually abused. my mum thinks its so cute he goes out with girls and tries, then asks me were my boyfreinds are. they dont know any of that past so i cant blame them for asking questions-but it doesnt stop me getting angry.
i also get the whole doctor thing. your sis is a doc-that must be hard, you dont go much farther than that do you-being a doc is like the best thing since sliced bread in many peoples eyes. i too understand they work hard for it. my doc i know works her *** off, shes always busy, running around in circles, but she seems so happy-i guess thats what makes me need to breakdown and cry when i see her, i just wish i could fel like that even with all the work i have to do. everytime i see her i get a little jelous. i call sometimes and she is on holiday-she goes away quite a bit as i can imagine they have more than enough money. but i cant help feel jelous of her happiness, i always think if only i could be like that. get it togther and get a good degree and a job.i imagine her life is perfect, a pefect husband, perfect kids, lots of cash and away they go on hols.i will say i know he desrves it so much but i cant stop the feeling, it more hurts than makes me angry though. i know everyone has some problems so its probably not like that-but the grass always seems greener on the other side.
i cant imagine having to live alongside all that as a sister! all i can say is you are your own person, eveyone is different, and at the end of the day you are probably a lot stronger, youve been through much more, everyday is a struggle. its totally understandable to be angry that others just get it so easy and havent a clue, its not fair i know that we are stigmatised and put down because of things outside our control we cant be what we want to be. i firmly believe that yes-trying hard is a part of it, you have to-but to me i feel you can only try so much to get by-then its down to pure biology and chemicals.
is there any areas of your life your particularly unhappy with-that is within your reach right now to change?? may i ask how long youve been depressed and what do your parents make of it??
about the ADD-its totally possible although depression forms the same symptoms, but my difference is ive always been messy, disorganised and forgetful-not to mention impulsive-before any of the depression began.
keep your chin up and try to stay focused on whats within your reach, remember its not about comparing your acheivments with your sister-be happy for what youve achieved, try and imagine if they were not there-would YOU be happy with what you did??
also, it good your sister is sympatghetic, as she is a doc does she try and help you at all. how did you first get diagnosed. what kid of doc is she?
My hands are small
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken
that bit about 'how would I feel if they weren't there?' struck home. I have a friend with three older sisters and because she was the first one to go to uni she feels she's done very well. I guess because she was older I was never going to do better than her...not that I particularly want to. I just want to be HAPPY. And it's the one thing that eludes me and has always eluded me.
She thinks I should be on anti depressants but i hate them because they make me feel so numb. when i'm on them i don't feel 'depressed' but nothing feels really good either, and I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything - even less than i do now - lol! I've been depressed for ever -
really since i was about twelve - when the hormones kicked in, i think, so maybe when i'm menopausal i'll feel better - who knows?? i wonder if my thyroid's not functioning properly but I'm so SICK of going to the doctor's, their file on me must be inches thick and they must roll their eyes when they see me coming and think, 'her again!!'
I did a teaching degree - took me five years because i did the first one part time. I'm glad I did the degree and finally finished something - I started doing secondary teaching after i left school but only did two years, so when i finished the degree last year i was happy because i felt it was a big achievement. my parents are very big on tertiary qualifications and i always felt very guilty for not having been to uni but now wish i'd spent less time on feeling guilty about what they felt i should be doing, and more time trying to work out what i could do (career wise) that would make me happy. because sometimes it takes a lot of time to shake-off all the expectations that you may have grown up with and find out what floats your boat. excuse all the cliches. I did secretarial work when i dropped out of uni the first time and looking back i think i was quite happy doing it, but i felt so GUILTY all the time, like i'd disappointed my parents and not fulfilled my potential, blah blah...that i couldn't let myself be happy. And now I've done this teaching degree and I don't actually enjoy teaching all that much and would much prefer to go back to secretarial work - answering phones and word processing and being nice to people - nothing too stressful because i hate stress - any kind at all. it's not my sister's money I want - it's her contentment, her ability to be happy. it's a real gift, the ability to be happy. Secretarial work doesn't suit my needs at the moment though, because my children are still fairly young and can't get to and from school by themselves and i would feel bad working when they're on holidays.
and if you're wondering why i did teaching when i don't like it very much,l i thought i would like it, and some parts i did like, but kids aren't nice in primary school any more - they're really rude and disrespectful and their parents threaten to sue you just for looking at them the wrong way. it's scary. and i wanted to finish the degree so i could feel that i'd finished something, for once in my life.
I used to have terrible fights with my parents too - they'd say i was 'lazy, selfish, thoughtless, a compulsive eater' they said i was fat all throguh my teenage years. I know myself it's very hard being a parent because you think you know what's best for your kids and you want them to be happy, but you try so hard not to label them...
about blaming your difunctional life,i wouldnt be so hard on yourself as ive only realised just how screwed my lifes been from age 12...i kept EVERYTHING to myself,school didnt exsist by 14 and since then ive drifted trying to figure out what the hell is going on...im 35 and im just thinkin of goin to college.you should be SO proud of yourself fo getting that teaching degree..i DREAM of achieveing something like that,well done+youve proved you can do it to yourself..and i cant help looking at the rest of the world and it hurts when i see how easy they make life look..it hurts too sometimes.i wish i knew what to say to lift you out of it but just think of what you have achieved,you have a career path to follow now...thats not bad at all!!
i think one of the things about being happy is appreciating what you have. it's a concious choice on a daily basis. i also think that getting out of the rut and doing new things once in awhile helps. never stop learning or trying in all areas of your life. i'm not talking university. but like art classes or a sport or a volunteer opportunity. God bless
i think you're right, Marian. It's important to appreciate what you've got. I just seem to lack the happiness gene. I've never been happy apart from odd, euphoric moments. I've always felt like there was a huge burden on me, weighing me down. I guess that's depression. It always seems that everyone else has more than me. But all they have that I don't have is the ability to be happy. I wish I had it.
Hi Trix, maybe you don't see any value in your life because you have always felt that your parents didn't see any value in your life and you are just validating their immensely important viewpoint? Guess what? Their viewpoint is not that valuable but yours is. When are you going to see your value?