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Old 04-15-2007, 05:50 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Warren, Michigan, USA
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honeybunners HB User
Trying to understand my husbands depression

Hello, I was wondering if anyone out there can tell me if the feelings my husband is having is from the depression he has.
Last october we found out he was severly depressed and he told me that he has love for me but is not in love with me anymore.
The end of Dec. he moved out and then decided to come back in Jan. to work things out.
He just recently moved out again about a week ago, and has seen a lawyer for a divorce.
He says he's not happy and don't want to be with me anymore or live at the house anymore.
He's got me so confused one day he says he feels fine and is fine with the way things are right now, and the next day he will be crying and telling me he misses me and the kids and the house, but he don't want to move back because he don't trust his decisions anymore and he don't want to hurt me again. He says he thinks about it everyday how he can make the marriage work but he just don't feel like trying to work on things.
Can someone please tell me if this is normal behavior for someone that is depressed? I don't want to keep having hope that we will get back together if its not going to happen, but at the same time I hate to throw 19 years of marriage away. I still Love him and I want him to come back home but I just never know how his mood will be one day to the next. He also told me that he has resentment againest me for something that happened 3 years ago.
Thank-you for listening and I would appreciate any help.

 
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Old 04-15-2007, 07:45 AM   #2
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ExTra111 HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

When you are depressed, you tend to think very negatively, everything seems uglyscary to you. I once had a horrible dream, then i got up and has a very very strong feeling of dropping out from uni, just happened all of a sudden.

I haven't been depressed for that long, but I already started shouting at people, both frds and customers at work... and I've stoped picking up my phone if I know the caller wants to ask me how I am or just want to have a chat.

I would say when someone is depressed, they don't tend to have a 'clear' mind of what they are doing, and they might end up regreting. At least I do...

I was adviced not ot make any major decisions while having this conditions, coz I might not be the "normal self". So now whenever I wanna make a decision (thought abt leaving uni, leaving my job, even killing myself), I woudl tell myself "look, you are ill, you don't have a clear mind, can you just hold onto it for a second." Just like making a deal with youself...

So maybe trying talking to him and make a deal with him or sth...

 
Old 04-15-2007, 10:50 AM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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jim123456 HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

The terminology for this is depression fallout and it may be worth considering buying the book (same title) by Anne Sheffield.

My situation is similar
The chances of winning through are at worst 50/50
So sorry to hear of your circumstances

 
Old 04-15-2007, 11:10 AM   #4
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by ExTra111 View Post
I would say when someone is depressed, they don't tend to have a 'clear' mind of what they are doing, and they might end up regreting. At least I do...

I was adviced not ot make any major decisions while having this conditions,
coz I might not be the "normal self". So now whenever I wanna make a decision (thought abt leaving uni, leaving my job, even killing myself), I woudl tell myself "look, you are ill, you don't have a clear mind, can you just hold onto it for a second." Just like making a deal with youself...

So maybe trying talking to him and make a deal with him or sth...
i agree with what you said there, Extra!!!



"he says he feels fine and is fine with the way things are right now, and the next day he will be crying and telling me he misses me and the kids and the house,"

"He says he thinks about it everyday how he can make the marriage work but he just don't feel like trying to work on things."

"Can someone please tell me if this is normal behavior for someone that is depressed?"

hi honey,

from what you've described about your husband and his feelings, yes, i'd venture to say that these are symptoms of depression. he doesn't seem to find his place in the world anymore; he cries a lot; he has no motivation to do what he wants to do, and what he knows it's right (i suppose he thinks so) to do....and he changes his mind frequently.... he seems lost...

i would urge you to have him go to his primary dr. his dr. should give him a thorough check-up, including a thyroid check. his dr. can also refer him to a therapist and/or a psychiatrist to have him evaluated for depression. from that point on, depending on what the therapist and most importantly, the psychiatrist diagnoses him with, he will be able to get himself a plan of care, with the physicians' help. honey, from what i'm reading in your post, it doesn't seem that your husband will be able to get through this by himself. he definitely needs more help right now.

God bless and good luck!
__________________
Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 04-15-2007, 05:48 PM   #5
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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lovetrapp77 HB User
Red face Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

Hi, I just want to say I can so relate to your story. Three months ago I found out my husband was severely depressed. He started crying saying that we are like brother and sister living togther... A week later I found out he was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He says that I judge him. He feels like he is not good enough for me. And if felt good just talkig to someone who just listens to him. The affair is over now but the depression is worst. He moved out to get his head straight or else he is going to have a nervous break down. He cries all the time. He wants to know why I want to be with him when he can't be a good husband like I deserve. We started therapy sometimes it's good soetimes it's bad. I recently starts going back to church. I find it helps. Also I lost weight and had so many panic attacks and so light headed I started taking Lexapro. This is a hard thing depression in fact his depression has made me depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed but we have a daughter together so I have to be strong for her.
My advice is take it day by day. Do not think about the end result just think about getting through the day. How can your husband be in love with you if he doesn't love himself? I try just being supportive and not talk about the depression all the time but go out to the movies and dinner. I told the doctor that I'm afraid when the depression is over and when my husbands fixed he will not want me anymore. He says that often they end up not taking you for granted any more.

 
Old 04-15-2007, 07:03 PM   #6
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honeybunners HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

Hi Lovetrapp, thank-you so much for the reply, it nice to know that someone can relate to how i feel. i feel the same way, my husband is making me depressed too, he tell me to just move on with my life and to not wait for him, but it's not that easy. my husband also had a women from school that he was talking to about all our problems, that was devastating. i am also afraid that when his head is clear to make decisions that he will still feel like he's not in love with me anymore, right now i can blame it on the depression but when that gone there will be nothing to blame but him. i feel so hurt and angry at the same time, my life is like a rollercoaster, which i hope will soon end. thanks again and i would really like to stay in contact with you if you don't mind, i added you to my buddy list. it always help to talk to someone going through the same thing. good luck, i hope it all works out for both of us. take care

 
Old 04-16-2007, 07:09 PM   #7
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lovetrapp77 HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

Does your husband take medicine? My husband is on Lexapro 20 mg sometimes i think it works other times he sleeps way too much. He also drinks several times a week and is over weight and exercises very little. I have tried to help him eat right and exercise. He is his own worst enemy. Does your husband do a lo aroung the house? I have always felt that I do way to much but he is a spoiled rich kid who never did anything around the house. I wonder who will wash his clothes and cook his dinnner and clean the apartment?
When my husband told me that I love you but I'm not in love with you I wanted to die. I feel like he is trying to get me to agree with him to end the marriage. He thinks I can do so much better he hates himself. If someone loves you so much why would they want you to be with someone else? I blame so much on the depression like you do. I'm afraid that when my husband is ok he is going to think ok I'm going to start fresh without her. I am this mans back bone I have supported him through so much of his life and now he has shout me out like a stranger. If he feels happy I am happy but if he is depressed or sad I feel it too.
The doctor told me that at this point in his life he feels like the marriage is the problem and I have done everything I can do and I have to just wait. He says that somedays are going to be very hard. It's hard like being a single mom but commited to a man that doesn't want to be with you because he is sick. Depression isolates people and kills families but don't give up the fight I'm not. If I could I would marry my husband all over again depression and all!

 
Old 04-17-2007, 03:45 AM   #8
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DonnaL41 HB User
Re: Trying to understand my husbands depression

WOW, your life is my life, I am going through exactly the same thing with my husband.He is not sure he loves me, feels 'emotionless'. He had a crush on a good friend of mine, nothing came of it and she had no idea but that has finishe that friendship for me.He doesn't want to leave he wants to work through this. He is on meds(effexor xr 225mg) and as a result of his depression I am on zoloft and it is helping me cope and stay strong for him.We are going to councelling together, so he very willing to do whatever, but some days are good and some are bad, some days he is almost his old self ,almost.HAng in there, I love him and do not want to lose 23yrs of my life.

 
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