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Old 04-23-2007, 02:50 AM   #1
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llouis HB User
is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

I'm just wandering if there are people just like me, stuck in this moment where I find myself can't get out off and basically doing "nothing"? I know the answer would probably be YES and I must admit that I may be just another loser trying to get validated by posting this stupid question.

Even so, I'm gonna keep on saying. I'm 24 and unemployed. I really wanted to get a job and be financially independent because I just hate the feeling of worthless (and for me, doing nothing makes me feel worthless). However the problem is ME myself. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like an outcast among my colleagues even though they treated me kind. I feel so irritated and fatigue when surrounded by people. Often I lock myself inside the washroom, breakdown and cry for the feeling of I can't fit in (Yes I am guy, it makes me even harder to share the tears). I quited the last job because I just can't take the tension even though the job doesn't bring tension at all.

I talked about this to my counsellor and basically he gave me some sort of steps to overcome my anxienty and depression which i find it completely useless against me. I don't know, I just feel like what's the point of faking it until you make it when deep down inside you know you are pretending to be someone else that you're not. I believe there are people who are borned pessimistic and I believe I am one of them. So I'm not sure if I can be "altered" to become a optismistic person.

Still, I believe that everything happens for a reason. If it wasn't for this condition of mine, I wouldn't be forced to focus on creative writing. Right now, since I "can't see the daylight", I stick on writing. Even tough I still have no penny to my name, and I may not be as talented as I thought, but I never stop dreaming of making it happen. But it's just so uncertain and insecure when you're doing something that is not "anything normal". I wish I could just get a stable job, work 9 to 5, without feeling incontent inside.

This sounds crazy I know and I'm not sure if anybody doing something just like me.

 
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Old 04-23-2007, 06:27 AM   #2
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

i have a son like you. he is 27 and spent years not being productive because of low self esteem and depression and anxiety. he also has a d d. a lot of anger issues. he would work on and off, mostly off due to the a d d and not getting along with a coworker here and there. he hid in his room playing video games, smoking and drinking. he, like you, also likes to write. we kept trying to get him into couseling and telling him that if you do the same things all the time you will get the same results. he did get into counseling and on celexa for awhile. while on the celexa he joined our church, joined the church basketball team, did kung fu, and got a job. then he lost the job and things went to heck. he went off the celexa and back to the normal self. after a few months he decided to take a leap. he moved to a friends place in a different state. he is doing better there.. he is working and thinking about going back to school. i think he needed the change. he still isn't on meds or going to counseling, but he is thinking about it. he has been diagnosed with a constant low level depression. i hope you find your way out of this limbo you are in. God bless

 
Old 04-23-2007, 07:07 AM   #3
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

llouis, sounds like you just need to change the image of yourself in your head. You are determined to keep thinking that you are worthless even though your environment now is kind to you. You just won't give it up. What happened in your past (most likely as a child) which convinced you that you are worthless? You can be anyone you want to be, just start acting like the person you want to be and you will become him. Your mind is holding you back. This person that you want to be is really who you are, you have just let some other people in your past hold you back from being who you truly are. Now stop holding yourself back and be yourself!

 
Old 04-23-2007, 07:46 AM   #4
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Hi llouis,

My name is Kiba and I am a 18 year old male. I have often wandered if I was the only one that felt the way you do. I still go to school and I have low self esteem, depression, and anxiety problems. Most of the time I go home after school lie in bed and have a melt down because I have a hard time showing my feelings. I work for my self cutting grass because I could not hold a steady job but regaurdless of how much I do I still feel worthless and unneeded in life but I keep living. I also beleive there is a greater purpose for me but like you we just have not found it yet. I see a counsler ever week and he has given me no advise to move on but you can't let that get you down or all you will do is get worse. It is hard for me to make friends too but sometimes you must push yourself to get out off your saftey zone. One last thing you must do is to think positive or you will never get out of this hole we both hove made for ourselves. If you need to talk feel free to write and I will try to reply soon. Lets help each other out and support each other so we can get out of the holes in our life.

You Friend
Kiba

 
Old 04-23-2007, 08:13 AM   #5
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Dearest Kiba, do you think that you are afraid to show your feelings or did you just not get much practice doing it when you were younger? Kiba, where do you think you got the idea that you were worthless? I am sure it is because of how you were treating by someone. This is how I got the idea that I was worthless. Well, I have put all of this behind me now.

This is great that you have your own business and it is helpful to a lot of people who either cannot cut their own lawns for various reasons or they just don't want to do it and can afford to pay someone else. I live on an acre lot and I love to mow the grass and work in the flower beds and work on the grass to get it as weed free as possible and healthy. I love to be outside and I love to physically work and then see what I have done afterwards.

Do you think that you can come home from school everyday and tell us how you are feeling?

 
Old 04-23-2007, 05:08 PM   #6
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

There is actually some benefit in "faking it." When you constantly tell yourself that you're depressed or anxious, it reinforces that in your brain. Our brains have a tendency to make those things that we regularly tell ourselves become true.

It may seem uncomfortable, but the next time someone asks "How are you" respond with "I'm good." Not only will it make those around you respond to you better, but after a while your brain will start to believe you. Same goes with those negatives that you tell yourself in private. Instead of concentrating on those, focus on your good points (and believe me, everyone has good points). You're not pretending to be something you're not, because inside of even the most depressed is happiness, it's just hidden underneath the depression.

Stuart Smalley on Sat Nite Live was on the right track with telling himself "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me."

 
Old 04-23-2007, 09:23 PM   #7
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Thanks for the replies guys,

Hi marian100:
thanks for relating your son's story. i appreciate that. somehow i see myself going "that" way too.


Hi Sannah:
i DO NOT always think that i am worthless. most of the time, my sense of worthlessness come from the fact that i did not do something which "i think" i could be proud of.

You are right. somebody did did me wrong. i have made confession to forgive them but perhaps the forgiveness isn't complete, there must be some hatred still hidden in me which i can't dig them out yet. Just dunno what else i could do. write it down, burn it, confess to god, punching sandbag seems not enough.

i "wear" too much masks i guess (yes, i have BDD). at home, at bedroom, at outside, none of these masks resembles the 100% TRUE SELF. Ofcoz i would like to be myself and who doesn't, i just wish it's easier done than say though. i guess i am the one who's responsible of holding myself back.


Hi Kiba,
thanks for the response. it's nice to have somebody to talk to. boy you are still young, i certainly hope thing doesn't get too tough for you. it's just not fair for a kind man like you to go through what you are going through, i wish you all the best.

i realise it too, that nobody but we ourselves can get us out of this pithole. it's up to us to either stay there or try to climb ourselves out of it. right now, sounds as cowardly as it may be, i would have to say that i'm still trying to make sure if it's save to get out there.

However, I AM planning to get out of my comfort zone. as what my counsellor once told me, don't make big decision while you're depressed (which btw, unfortunately i did a few times), i gonna try and get a part-time job or whatever. but i think my goal is still stick to writing.


Hi RatPack78:
Yes, i understand what you mean. The longest record of me faking it was 3 months. At that period of time, even though I may think that i am invincible but yet i somehow feel fragile inside, like if it breaks, it's gonna break hard.

Depression is a devil. he just keep on casting spells that makes me feel confused. but somehow i feel so used to it and i just kinda think to myself if this is the real me or it isn't? Then i have so many little voices in me debating over each others about making decision. damn, it just make the whole decision making look difficult.

Frankly say, I can see clearly the way out of this lost world, and I know if i want it i can make it happen but I'm just hesitate to go for it. I'm just scared of the UNKNOWN. Fear gets in the way.

Last edited by llouis; 04-23-2007 at 09:28 PM.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 04:55 AM   #8
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by llouis View Post
You are right. somebody did did me wrong. i have made confession to forgive them but perhaps the forgiveness isn't complete, there must be some hatred still hidden in me which i can't dig them out yet. Just dunno what else i could do. write it down, burn it, confess to god, punching sandbag seems not enough.

right now, sounds as cowardly as it may be, i would have to say that i'm still trying to make sure if it's save to get out there.

but yet i somehow feel fragile inside,

Depression is a devil. he just keep on casting spells that makes me feel confused.

I'm just scared of the UNKNOWN. Fear gets in the way.
Hey Llouis, your comment about the devil above makes it sound like you feel that you have no control over yourself. IMO, I think this is the first step to mental and emotional health. Those of us who have suffered from this stuff have never been empowered in our lives. Find your power and start controlling your life.

Is it safe out here? Once you find your power you will feel that you can control your boundaries and can feel much safer. I had to learn this. This is also related I think to the fear of the unknown. If you feel that you cannot protect yourself there is a lot more fear. You can learn how to protect yourself.

You say you feel fragile inside. After empowerment and getting healthier boundaries, you can also start to strengthen and build your identity. Increase that self worth. Running your own life is much easier from a position of strength. Find your power and feel your strength.

When we are mistreated it is usually because that person has a heap of problems and most of the time they really were not aware of the consequences of their actions. Sometimes people are very aware of how harmful they are being but usually they are not. This happens a lot with parents. They really are unaware of how much they are harming their children. Also, when you are mistreated it is not a statement about your self-worth, it is just a statement about how messed up this other person is.

On your journey remember that the past is the past and you are now in the present and you are a lot safer here. Memories of the past like to stick with us and affect our behavior today. Just keep reminding yourself that you don't have to keep acting like the past is happening now because it is not. Our behavior gets really programmed and we react automatically because of our past. You can stop this automatic behavior by focusing and stopping it.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 05:25 AM   #9
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Hey Llouis, your comment about the devil above makes it sound like you feel that you have no control over yourself. IMO, I think this is the first step to mental and emotional health. Those of us who have suffered from this stuff have never been empowered in our lives. Find your power and start controlling your life.

Is it safe out here? Once you find your power you will feel that you can control your boundaries and can feel much safer. I had to learn this. This is also related I think to the fear of the unknown. If you feel that you cannot protect yourself there is a lot more fear. You can learn how to protect yourself.

You say you feel fragile inside. After empowerment and getting healthier boundaries, you can also start to strengthen and build your identity. Increase that self worth. Running your own life is much easier from a position of strength. Find your power and feel your strength.

When we are mistreated it is usually because that person has a heap of problems and most of the time they really were not aware of the consequences of their actions. Sometimes people are very aware of how harmful they are being but usually they are not. This happens a lot with parents. They really are unaware of how much they are harming their children. Also, when you are mistreated it is not a statement about your self-worth, it is just a statement about how messed up this other person is.

On your journey remember that the past is the past and you are now in the present and you are a lot safer here. Memories of the past like to stick with us and affect our behavior today. Just keep reminding yourself that you don't have to keep acting like the past is happening now because it is not. Our behavior gets really programmed and we react automatically because of our past. You can stop this automatic behavior by focusing and stopping it.

i really agree with the above, and i just had to respond to it, by underlying the sentences! i've come to realize, now, at 36, that this is what it is all about, really! and, believe it or not, it came from this wonderful person, here, from sannah. no therapist told me that, and i've seen about 4 in the past ten years. i have major depression and panic/anxiety disorder. besides meds, i've not been empowered at all in my life, by any therapist that i've seen so far. and the sad, but true thing (and now i feel, it's actually great and i'm soooo happy i found this place), is that i actually learned more from this site than from any therapist!! i'm sure they weren't all "bad" for crying out loud--i mean one of the 4 should've been able to actually tell me something along these lines. maybe they did, but i maybe i wasn't ready to receive it yet--perhaps because i was still so enmeshed in my own dysfunctional way of thinking and of seeing the world and people around me. i had really lost myself, me, the "I" that is so often talked about in psych literature. another great person on this site that helped me see that my depression was NOT my identify (and i thank her immensely for this) is Carsam! it was as if she turned on the light above my head!!!! that thought (again) never crossed my mind, until she said it!!! i was at rockbottom for soooo long, and thought in such a "programmed" way (as sannah once put it) for so many years, that it took a looong time to even realize that i wasn't thinking more functionally, more "sanely," or more "for myself" than for others, if you will.

it really is about feeling your strength and power in this world. it really is about realizing that no one is better than you. really!!!! no matter how much other people have in this life, mental health issues don't spare anyone. it's so pervasive and anybody suffers from it, the rich, the poor, the misinformed, the informed, the doctors, dentists, nurses, etc. even therapists, if you believe it!!! they see other shrinks because of their own problems!!!

so, llouis, i hope you'll frequent these boards often. if they've helped me overcome certain things that i've suffered with since i was around 18, (was only diagosed aroud 24), so can you, my friend!!!!

God bless and take care of yourself. it will be a long process, but it's all in our hands and it's doable!!!!!!
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Be kinder than necessary,
Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

Last edited by Dakota_Skye; 04-24-2007 at 05:29 AM.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 06:08 AM   #10
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Dakota, for me to see you blossom has brought tears to my eyes!

 
Old 04-24-2007, 05:12 PM   #11
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Dakota, for me to see you blossom has brought tears to my eyes!
oh my dear sannah, girl, you're making me blush!! really. and i don't want to jinx it, you know... thank GOd for people like you, carsam, green (i've mostly read her responses to others, but i think she's very insightful), and everyone else on here who are so "damn" understanding!!! not only that, but you guys actually give feedback too...not just sit there and listen, like some therapists do!!!! i really mean it!!!!
hugs, hugs, hugs!!!!!!
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
Old 04-24-2007, 05:47 PM   #12
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Kiba HB User
Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

My dear friend Sannah, Yes I am scared to show my feelings but I also never got much practise. Ever sence I was born I was abuse by my much older brother for 10 years he would do things to me that would only get worse if I showed my feelings. At the age of 13 when my brother was sent to jail for abuse to a minor because my mom saw him hitting me one day when see walked in the house after getting of work early. Just as a note I was depressed and had suicidal thoughts before all this happend, it just made things worse. But after that happend I never showed my feeling again and I just bottled up the good and the bad together and hid it in the darkness of my soul. As for the idea that I was worthless is I was told that all my life by other kids and adults, but a selact few saw me for how I was like my adult friends and parents and that is why I live.

As for April 24, I stayed in bed till 4pm because of a mix of depression and a migrain. For my feelings I feel worthles like a loser and regrate being born. If only I felt better!!!

On the other note I am with Sannah on this, unlike me and my sad pit of a life , I am proud of you Dakota Skye for coming out of you shell!!! Way to go

Your friend
Kiba

 
Old 04-24-2007, 07:55 PM   #13
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Those of us who have suffered from this stuff have never been empowered in our lives. Find your power and start controlling your life.

Once you find your power you will feel that you can control your boundaries and can feel much safer.

After empowerment and getting healthier boundaries, you can also start to strengthen and build your identity. Increase that self worth. Running your own life is much easier from a position of strength. Find your power and feel your strength.

Also, when you are mistreated it is not a statement about your self-worth, it is just a statement about how messed up this other person is.

On your journey remember that the past is the past and you are now in the present and you are a lot safer here. Memories of the past like to stick with us and affect our behavior today. Just keep reminding yourself that you don't have to keep acting like the past is happening now because it is not. Our behavior gets really programmed and we react automatically because of our past. You can stop this automatic behavior by focusing and stopping it
.

Hi Sannah, Dakota_Skye, thanks for the nice response. I appreciate that.

i admit that i have been letting the "other-me" to control over my life. i listen to "him" becoz i try to avoid the pain of dealing with it. i remember there were a few times when i was really in control of my own life after assuring myself i'm gonna stand tall thru it. but nevertheless i stumble and relapse when the pressure of staying in control was too big. that time i almost felt like losing my mind, i cried so hard, never talked to anyone and generally unable to think at all. that's why i felt reluctant to revisit "that time" again and keep on mentioning i wanted to make sure i do it slowly step by step just to ensure everything is safe. i really dont want another breakdown coz i bashed myself so hard after failling to recover.

i get the whole idea of taking control over my thinking but do you actually suggest i should think happy thoughts when i feel completely sad? or telling myself i am stronger than this when inside i break into pieces? i'm not sure about this coz that's like trying to deny the real emotions in us.

do you have any suggestion of forgiving those who did us wrong? i understand the fact that those who mistreated us may have their own issues but that doesn't make me "completely" forgive them. like i mentioned earlier, i thought i have forgiven them but there must be some leftover hidden in me which is why making me unwilling to let go of the past.

i know that the past is already the past and the past can't hurt us anymore. the most important thing is to live in the present. but if we can't accept the past, how can we move on? i find it useless to say to myself "i am accepting my past" but didn't actually mean it coz i don't know how to actually mean it. i hope you know what i'm trying to say and give me a few pinpoints (if you dont mind).

after starting this thread, i feel like i am kinda facing the truth. i was kinda runaway from all this just to ignore the pain of dealing it. but eversince i saw you guys' feedback, i cried more than before, felt mellow and depressed even more, and i haven't actually sleep for the last two days. it just get to me. last night i stayed up all night just to think of what you've been trying to tell me, and i got to say that i really wanted to do something about it, not just sit around wondering if the blue will go away by itself. i was thinking of the options that i have (which unfortunately not many), and how can i get myself out of this.

i'm praying for the strength of Lord to survive.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 08:05 PM   #14
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiba View Post
My dear friend Sannah, Yes I am scared to show my feelings but I also never got much practise. Ever sence I was born I was abuse by my much older brother for 10 years he would do things to me that would only get worse if I showed my feelings. At the age of 13 when my brother was sent to jail for abuse to a minor because my mom saw him hitting me one day when see walked in the house after getting of work early. Just as a note I was depressed and had suicidal thoughts before all this happend, it just made things worse. But after that happend I never showed my feeling again and I just bottled up the good and the bad together and hid it in the darkness of my soul. As for the idea that I was worthless is I was told that all my life by other kids and adults, but a selact few saw me for how I was like my adult friends and parents and that is why I live.

As for April 24, I stayed in bed till 4pm because of a mix of depression and a migrain. For my feelings I feel worthles like a loser and regrate being born. If only I felt better!!!

On the other note I am with Sannah on this, unlike me and my sad pit of a life , I am proud of you Dakota Skye for coming out of you shell!!! Way to go

Your friend
Kiba
Hi Kiba,

I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult time growing up. i can relate to part of your story. when i was 10 years-old, i was mentally abuse by a boy who i thought was my friend until i realised that he is actually jeolous of me getting all the praises from teachers. i never actually told anyone about this becoz at that time i didn't know it was a mental-abuse and the consequences of it. i kept those feeling to myself, and it became a pattern that whenever i get mistreated i bottle it up, fearing of confronting might make it even worse.

i know exactly how it feels like to stay up all night thinking of this craps and wishing it would just go away. whenever i look at other people, i always have the thoughts that everybody thinks better/normal than me. i just wish i never fell in this trap i set for myself. i just wish i could go back and tell the kid in me to stand up for your own right, or at least give him a pat at the back when the time gets tough (as i'm writing this sentence, my tears are actually rolling down my cheek. i guess it gets to me).

anyway, take care pal.

 
Old 04-25-2007, 04:30 AM   #15
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Re: is anybody doing "anything" right in this moment?

hi there Kiba,

"As for April 24, I stayed in bed till 4pm because of a mix of depression and a migrain. For my feelings I feel worthles like a loser and regrate being born. If only I felt better!!!

On the other note I am with Sannah on this, unlike me and my sad pit of a life , I am proud of you Dakota Skye for coming out of you shell!!! Way to go
"

oh man, do i know about migraines!!!! i also have them, and they've been especially bad this past fall and winter months. i've had 9 in one month once. it is the most horrendous pain imaginable. sometimes i have to actually vomit (sorry to be so gross) because of the pain. so, i completely empathise with you, kiba!!!!! just wanted to tell you, you're not alone in this. i know how you feel, man, and it is just horrible!!!

oh kiba,--thank you sooooooo much for saying such nice things to me. and i wish the same to you. i'm not by any means completely out of the "hole" yet, and i know that i need more time to work on these issues that are embedded in us since we're kids, but at least it's a begining, you know??? and, that's not to say i don't have my dark moments either. yes, i do. but i guess all people have them, especially when one has to deal with something real, something negative but real in life. i just hope, and pray to God, like llouis said, and keep going day by day, trying on this new mindset....

i wish you the best in the world, kiba!!!!!
your friend,
dakota
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Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

 
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