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Old 04-24-2007, 06:29 AM   #1
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I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

Well we are the start of another day. I did something that you might not agree with. At the time though I just couldn't hold back the urge. This morning I came into work, started doing my routine, and walked over to say hi to the ex. We talked very briefly, then I asked her if we are cool. I'm sure I shouldn't have said a thing, but I just couldn't hold it anymore. She said we were cool, but of course I got the feeling we aren't somehow. I asked her if she was sure and she said ya. I told her we don't talk or anything anymore and we seem like strangers. She didn't have anything really for that.

I know I probably should have just let it be, but I don't know, something just willed me ask. I figured I would be all anxious and sad after asking, but I am only a little bit. It might fester later but at least for now it is bearable. I so much just want to sit down and talk with her it's not even funny. I don't though, so I guess that is good. Seeing her everyday is just so nerve racking.

On to better subjects. Yesterday after work I was feeling very depressed. Even the car ride home didn't help at all and once I got home I felt trapped. I thought I was in for a horriable night. I then got talked into going to the gym by my mums. I'm so glad I did cause afterwards I seemed to sweat out my feelings. I came home and had a nice 2 hrs of relaxing then sleep. I do hate it though that I look at 2hrs of being happy as a great day. Tonight I have the softball game to go to with the neighbors. So hopefully, that will relax me and give me something to look forward to. I find myself needing something, anything to look forward to now-a-days.

 
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Old 04-24-2007, 07:04 AM   #2
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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Originally Posted by ChaosAD View Post
I did something that you might not agree with.
Chaos, it doesn't matter what any of us here think about what you should do. If you make a decision that something is right for you no one else should have veto power over it. You run your life, right? Actually, I can see that maybe you just did this because you want to resolve it. It sounds like something I would do. I would frequently throw a bone into a situation just to get it going so that I could resolve something that was nagging at me. Did anything get resolved with this?

Two hours of happy time is a lot to feel good about! Remember, change is gradual!

 
Old 04-24-2007, 07:22 AM   #3
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

Oh, I def know I make my decisions and everything. I just figured it wouldn't be the Sannah way heh. As for anything getting resolved, not really. She says we are cool, but I get the feeling we aren't. Then again I could be reading too much into it as I sometimes, ok a lot of times, do. I made the comment about us feeling like strangers lately and that is when more co-workers showed up so the conversation sort of ended there. So needless to say we parted ways today sort of awkwardly since that was the last thing said.

Don't really want to bring up anything around other people and I know she def doesn't. At least I asked I guess so that is 1 question out of my mind. One day I will bring myself to ask her to hang out after work sometimes and we can just talk as normal people and not be in the work environment or around other people. I think that is when it will get resolved hopefully for me. Whether it will have a good or bad out come who knows. Of course, if you ask me, I will usually look on the bad side sadly.

As for the 2 hrs of happy, I guess I have a different perspective of it now as opposed to when it was. Then all seemed good and I was happy and went to sleep. This morning I look back and am wondering how I could be happy not being around others and just sitting around watching tv and such. My brain just can not fathom me being happy with and by myself it seems. My brain is still in that mode that it says I need others to be happy and I will be alone forever if I don't just rush out and meet new friends and find that one special love right away. When I think about it of course I know that isn't true but convincing my mind has been really hard. I sort of think that if I can't get myself to the pt of having no problems being alone with myself, then it will manifest into clingyness and suffocating my next friend/gf. I will always be looking for that approval and that closeness if I can't just appreciate me and alone time.

I think the times that are the best is when we don't know we are happy, sad, depressed, etc. We are just living in the moment. Then when you look back you say wow I wasn't sad. It seems that when start thinking about how you feel at that exact moment is when you start leaving yourself open for the negative thoughts and feelings. Then again maybe it is just me.

BTW, here is a little question for people. Is it possible to have a place or even a time of day be a trigger for depression/anxiety? Such as I basically assume the morning will bring it and therefore it does? The cycle continues and thus it happens every time, just reinforcing the idea.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 07:37 AM   #4
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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My brain just can not fathom me being happy with and by myself it seems. My brain is still in that mode that it says I need others to be happy
Ingrained habit and programming. You can change the program with focus and persistence.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 08:30 AM   #5
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

I never experienced a particular time of the day where I felt depression coming on, but sometimes weekends and holidays are rough because I'm out of my routine. I understand about you and your ex. I went through a big part of 2006 being really concerned about 2 guys and what they thought of me. It wasn't a crush, but I'm not sure how to explain it. I think once I felt accepted by them I was able to get beyond it.

Now I'm just living life day-to-day. I haven't seen or talked to any of my friends in quite some time, but for some reason that doesn't bother me. I feel comfortable going home just hanging out with my husband at the gym or in front of the TV. It's amazing how much depression affects our daily lives.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 08:48 AM   #6
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

Yep, I have seen lately that I look for others for approval in some aspects. So, the rejection by the ex was the ultimate for me. I feel the opp reaction then when I get acceptance from ppl. Instead of feeling happy and confident, I'm feeling lonely and rejected...much more then I should. Then I go out and try and find acceptance in places and probably try too much actually. I'm sort of caught in a tug of war it seems. Part of me wants to chill and get myself used to being alone again and the other part wants me to jump out there and do anything possible to meet ppl.

I see a lot of ppl on here have husbands/wives. That must help out a lot to know that at least you have that going for you and you have someone to come home to. I just home to my dog, who I wouldn't trade for the world. I get so jealous lately when I see a couple. It makes me wonder why I don't and if I ever will. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but for now I just try and tell myself 'all in good time'.

As for the time of day and places, I'm pretty sure I do stuff to myself. I think about it and how I will feel and dread it. Then when the time comes of course it is there cause I almost basically willed it to be there and have thought about leading up to it. Just another pattern I need to break some how.

Wow, I thik I just rambled on heh

 
Old 04-24-2007, 08:56 AM   #7
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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I feel the opp reaction then when I get acceptance from ppl. Instead of feeling happy and confident, I'm feeling lonely and rejected...much more then I should.
Chaos, I don't understand what you mean here.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 08:58 AM   #8
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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It's amazing how much depression affects our daily lives.
I would like to broaden this out and say that it is amazing how our thoughts can affect our lives.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 09:27 AM   #9
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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Chaos, I don't understand what you mean here.
I just meant that I seem to feel an extreme emotion when I am either accepted or rejected by others. I get a sense of belonging and happiness when they accept me or like what I do. On the other hand if they reject me, then I feel sadness and sometimes anxiety.

The amount of emotional reaction def seems to vary depending on how I feel about the person. A normal everyday person on the street and it would probably roll off me, but a person close to me or I feel special about can bring out the strong emotion.

Hope that helps. Heck, I can barely understand it myself. Not sure at what pt I started letting ppl dictate how I feel.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 09:29 AM   #10
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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Not sure at what pt I started letting ppl dictate how I feel.
Now I understand. The above issue sounds like it would be a fruitful one to explore!

 
Old 04-24-2007, 09:40 AM   #11
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

It is at the top of my list for tomorrow therapist visit heh. I always knew I was sort of that way, but never paid attention to it. Now, when I am alone and craving ppl I notice it a lot more because I'm more aware of my feelings and what is causing them. Now to work on that and improve it.

Knowing is half the battle they used to tell me on GI Joe

 
Old 04-24-2007, 09:47 AM   #12
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

Chaos, actually it is in your astrology chart. Your moon (emotions) are in Cancer. Go back and read that part of your chart. It just comes naturally to you but that doesn't mean that you can't change it and make it work for you.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 09:52 AM   #13
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

Yep, looking back I've done for as long as I can remember. It was like breathing, I just never thought about it. Now that I know I am def working on it.

Last edited by ChaosAD; 04-24-2007 at 10:15 AM.

 
Old 04-24-2007, 01:09 PM   #14
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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I see a lot of ppl on here have husbands/wives. That must help out a lot to know that at least you have that going for you and you have someone to come home to.
I never thought I was going to get married, and then...there he was. Keep your spirts up Chaos, you never know.

Actually the depression can be tough with a spouse. I'm my husband's first experience with mental health. While he tries to understand, sometimes he gets really frustrated. Just today I got upset over something at work. He happened to call me when I was in tears. His response was I needed to "suck it up" and not let anyone see me upset. I appreciate having a spouse to lean on, but sometimes you all are more understanding. I guess the grass is always greener...

 
Old 04-25-2007, 06:41 AM   #15
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Re: I went and did what I knew I shouldn't

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His response was I needed to "suck it up" and not let anyone see me upset.
This is a common male way to handle things. The differences in male/female ways of handling things is actually good when it comes to raising children. Children benefit from seeing these different ways of handling issues. Of course, like most things, balance and handling things in the middle is the way to go.

 
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